Wedding one - who is BU?

[wedding119]

Friend A got married last week. It was a childfree wedding and save the dates were sent approx 1 year prior.

Friend A and Friend B have been friends for around 15 years and are considered quite close. Not in the wedding party, bridesmaid close but good friends.

B has a young child who is 2 and no partner so was relying on family for childcare.

This childcare partly fell through at the last minute (a few days before the wedding) and B was only able to attend the ceremony and then had to leave missing the meal paid for by A and the rest of the wedding.

A feels like B didn't try hard enough to find alternate childcare, B feels like there was nothing they could do. They do have other family members but felt it was too short notice to ask as they arent super close and B refused to ask a babysitter as they don't feel comfortable leaving their child with a babysitter they have never used before.

Who is BU?

Should A just accept there isn't anything B could do or should B have tried harder to find last minute childcare/used a babysitter (or at least tried to find one even if they don't like the idea of using one).

Perhaps, but the OP could have told the bride with enough notice for her to either not pay for a meal the OP had no intention of eating, or invite someone else in her place. (She could still have attended the ceremony either way so this was an entirely wasted "place".)

It is understandable for A to feel hurt and upset as invitations/save the date was a year in advance and B knew a few days in advance but chose not to ask someone they knew and who was available. The cost of B’s attendance was wasted. (I do hope B told A in advance so at least the empty seat/table setting was removed).

BUT an invitation to a child free wedding dies come with a risk attached that baby sitting could fall through or child is sick.

we had 6 places go to waste for our child free event that we purposefully made exceptions for close family. One family of 6 had a child be one ill the morning of and we had an almost completely empty table (tables were of 8). It looked ridiculous, the food had been made and was wasted sitting on the table, the only couple sitting there felt very uncomfortable (billy no mates). Had we known that morning, at least they could have added this one couple to another table and removed the empty table

we were irked about the wasted food/cost but that wasn’t our sticking point. It’s the lack of communication. Kids can get sick.

we also had one unexpected baby because a couple’s babysitter fell through (ill grandparent) but they called us and it was our decision that we’d rather they attend with baby than not come as we wanted them there.

so you can understand why A could be miffed

You did nothing wrong. Just read a post that it’s your fault as you don’t have a network that can help you. What a load of croc. I’m in your position and I do have people who offer to help but I am very funny about who I leave my children with, end of story. Your friend chose to not have kids so she should understand there may be issues. Please don’t apologise again you can’t help it , ask her to rethink when she has children

Having kids does mean that sometimes things happen and plans get cancelled. It’s one of them things and can’t be helped.

I lost a friend due to missing her wedding. She decided on a child free wedding which was totally up to her but she also picked to have her wedding in the school holidays on a weekday. I have very limited family to ask for childcare they were either at work or were on holiday. All our friends were mutual friends and were attending the wedding. I would never have left my child with a stranger. So I didn’t go, my child will always come first.

None of that would have stopped B from letting A know with ample time to invite someone else to the meal or to perhaps negotiate headcount with the caterer.

A is being unreasonable but she will only ever understand why when she has children of her own

Very true, over the years I've had people say "can't you just..." when it comes to sleeping, fussy eating, behaviour, caring for illness etc. with children, and it's only when they have their own that they realise the answer is no 😂
My favourite was an ex-colleague of mine who told me how she handled the situation with her dog, as if this was a helpful top-tip for my baby lol

You have nothing to apologise for! A 2 year old can’t be left with someone they barely or don’t know. He /she can’t be treated as left luggage.

A is being entirely unreasonable. You made the effort to attend what should be the important bit. Bridezilla has to accept that life gets in the way and sometimes people are ill or childcare falls through and you have to sacrifice the cost of the meal.

B could've made more effort.

There must have been someone who could've looked after the toddler so she could stay for the meal?

Can understand not staying for the evening do though.

Neither is being unreasonable; just because they have opposing views on the matter, doesn't mean someone is being unreasonable. It's okay for both parties to have feelings. It's totally fine for Person A to be upset that she couldn't have a dance with someone she's close to and wanted to dance/spend time with. And it's okay for Person B to feel like they did enough to get a babysitter last minute.

I think you should have stayed for the meal and speeches . If the ceremony wasn’t until 2 I’m guessing you would have left later in the morning (11ish?) and not left you mum for so long . She normally had dc for the whole day? I think there were other options you could explore and understand friend A’s point of view.

A is being unreasonable.

I have four kids and very little support network due to family living far away. I won't leave my children with someone I don't know, whether vetted or not. They don't know how my children need comforting, how they need a cuddle to get to sleep. My budget also wouldn't stretch to hiring a babysitter even if I wanted one.

I think it depends how much notice you gave that you couldn't attend, as the situation with your dad's health isn't new. It's great you saw the ceremony but it would have been nice if you had stayed for the wedding meal/speeches. The evening dance is less important but the cost of the meal and an empty place would be noticeable. Did you give your friend the impression that you were trying to find a solution and that you were really disappointed to miss her wedding?

A is BU. These things happen. Don’t waste time stewing about things beyond your control.

Don’t be ridiculous. And read what zOP has written - her DC’s nursery does not allow staff to babysat.

OP - I only used nursery staff to babysit, so a nursery ban would have been a real problem for us. Parents live 80 miles away and it didn’t work out after one disastrous attempt when DS1 was a baby- came home to find him in a total state with PIL, screaming the place down.

No way would I have used a nanny agency etc.

Your friend needs to apologise, not you, OP. Your mum covered the ceremony so you could go. Given the circumstances, you did well.

You are absolutely NBU.
And the way some people are so precious about their "special day" is just annoying. To everyone else, it's just a day - one when your child's wellbeing is, rightly, the most important thing to you.

A is being unreasonable. You missed a meal. You didn't slash her throat in a lift. It's not worth getting worked up about to destroy a perfectly good friendship over. Silly mare.

You are entitled to make the decisions that are right for you and your child. You did!

Bride should be pleased that you managed to attend the ceremony at least. She needs to grow up frankly!!

Stop apologising. Tell her you were very disappointed to miss most of the celebrations and relieved you made the ceremony. Tell her you accept how she feels but there is nothing you can do about that and you remain comfortable with the decisions you made for her ( to attend the ceremony to be with her for the most important bit ie a good friend); to ensure your daughter was safe and felt safe with carers she knew (ie a good mother) and to ensure you were happy with the care arrangements so that you were not worried (ie self care)

It is up to her how she takes things forward but you need to stick to the above and refuse to be guilt tripped or engage in her, frankly, nonsense!

When bride has kids, she can decide to leave hers with a stranger.
The childless don’t understand til they have one.

A is unreasonable. Unfortunately, life happens, and if you plan an event, you should expect some last minute cancellations.

Sorry, made me giggle.

You could have made more effort and I doubt A will be your friend after this.

Hope it was worth it

When I got married i couldn't tell you who did or didn't attend. I was focused on the ceremony and then having a great time at the meal and evening celebration.
OP made the effort to go to the ceremony, the most important part.

The money we had paid had been budgeted, it was either wasted or thrown in the bin. There are so many other things to get stressed or lose a friend about, this not one of them.

I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who has such a rigid definition of friendship, who cant recognise that life is not black and white.

Are people really this brittle that they would dump a mate over something like this?

Ha! The type of emotionally mature perspective that is rarely seen on AIBU 😌