Wedding one - who is BU?

[wedding119]

Friend A got married last week. It was a childfree wedding and save the dates were sent approx 1 year prior.

Friend A and Friend B have been friends for around 15 years and are considered quite close. Not in the wedding party, bridesmaid close but good friends.

B has a young child who is 2 and no partner so was relying on family for childcare.

This childcare partly fell through at the last minute (a few days before the wedding) and B was only able to attend the ceremony and then had to leave missing the meal paid for by A and the rest of the wedding.

A feels like B didn't try hard enough to find alternate childcare, B feels like there was nothing they could do. They do have other family members but felt it was too short notice to ask as they arent super close and B refused to ask a babysitter as they don't feel comfortable leaving their child with a babysitter they have never used before.

Who is BU?

Should A just accept there isn't anything B could do or should B have tried harder to find last minute childcare/used a babysitter (or at least tried to find one even if they don't like the idea of using one).

@2mumlife

you should prioritise an event you've made a commitment to attend

Hi all thanks for the replies.

I am B.

Just a little clarification on my situation, my parents were going to watch DD and have her overnight originally. However about 2 months ago my dad had a very serious illness and he was in hospital for about a month, he is okay and home now but he is still not coping great and so it was too much for them at the minute overnight which I respect and couldn't argue with. Mum had DD during the ceremony and then I agreed to collect her after.

The extended family discussed is an aunt who hasn't really met DD more than a handful of times and her fathers family who live 2 hours away and again, aren't massively involved. My ex, her dad, won't do me a favour ever so it's absolutely pointless asking him as it wasn't his day to have her (EOW).

I understand I may be a bit OTT but I have never liked the idea of hiring a babysitter. I just don't like it, it doesn't make me comfortable having someone neither I nor DD knows looking after her. I couldn't have relaxed and enjoyed myself at all. I don't actually know anyone in my circle of friends who have ever hired a professional baby sitter so no one for a recommendation either and staff at her nursery are prohibited from offering babysitting so that is not an option either.

I'd have liked to attend more of the wedding but realistically I just didn't think it was going to he possible (wedding was an hour away, ceremony wasn't until 2pm so reception etc.. would have gone on well into the night).

@AnneLovesGilbert

yhe childcare 'partly' fell through, so I assume they could still do a few hours in the afternoon, but not the evening.

im curious as to what their 'reason' was to let @wedding119 down at the last minute

B made an effort, she went to the ceremony.

B is completely entitled to her judgement call regarding asking family.

Not everyone would ask family to look after their children for a wedding.

I know many people that wouldn't have for a variety of reasons.

I blew many weddings off for this reason.
Not close friends as they were all married before I had children, but many invitations afterwards.

B did her best.
A is a PITA and needs to get over herself.
If I was B, I would be allergic to such self absorbed behaviour.

It is not easy being a single parent, the last thing you need is PITA friends giving you grief over stuff you can't attend.

I would be cringing for A if I heard this and knew her.

She needs to get over herself.🙄

Just to add, it was also a weekday wedding so a bit difficult childcare wise too as lots of people in work the day of or the next day.

@Mintchocco

yes of course YOUR children are FAR more precious than anyone else, the rest of us would just leave them with the wolves.

🙄🙄

alternatively, we read what the OP WROTE & didn't make shit up. The OP didn't feel comfortable ASKING her relatives at short notice, she didn't say her child doesn't know them 🙄🙄🥲

In B's position I would probably have made a few calls to family or close friends, but I also think B is perfectly entitled to decide that that isn't going to work for her, or her toddler. A does not get to decide how much effort her single-parent friend has to put into finding last-minute childcare.

Not sure why you, B, are getting grief for not wanting to dump your child off on anyone.

If my dad couldn't look after my 2 then that's it for me, I know lots of people but no one well enough to look after my kids over night, that's a big ask.

You need to apologise. And start building a network of contacts for childcare, what do you do for work? If it’s all on your mum that’s clearly not sustainable. (I’m really surprised you didn’t at least stay for the meal and speeches if not the evening do)

If I were B I wouldn’t have gone to any of it.
Hope A has kids pretty soon ( if she hasn’t already ) and realises her Bridezilla shit was ridiculous.

I have apologised of course. Multiple times.

I stayed for just the ceremony because that is when my mum asked me to be back after and, as she's dealing with looking after dad, working herself etc.. I did not feel it was my place to argue against that. I still wasn't home until 4:30pm as it was.

I do have friends in a pinch but none that I could feel okay with asking for late night/overnight care (and a lot of them were at the wedding anyway so no good!) One of my best friends probably would have but she has a newborn baby so it would not have been fair to ask it of her.

And as I say ex would sooner pluck his eyes out with rusty forks than have DD outside of his alloted time unfortunately.

When I'm working DD goes to nursery 4 days a week and my mum has her one day of the week.

You did the right thing in my opinion.

Some people will leave their kids with any safe trusted adult. That's fine.

Others will only leave their child with a safe trusted adult that their child is happy and comfortable staying with.

Neither are wrong. Personally I wouldn't leave my child with someone they didn't feel comfortable with unless it was for a medical emergency or compulsory education e.g. school.

You both sound unreasonable.B could at least have tried to ask family short notice and A needs to accept that shit happens and be happy that friend got to the service l

@wedding119 I'm sorry to hear about your Dad, but I'm pleased to hear he's 'on the mend'! I can see why having DD overnight might be a bit too much for them to cope with, but surely you knew that more than a day or so before the wedding ?

between mum, Dad, Aunt etc I would have made it work for a good friends wedding after committing to going.

Especially given her Dad is such a waste of space I really think you should be working at increasing your & DD's support group. It sounds like it would be too much for your parents to have her for a week or whatever god forbid you should end up in hospital. (Which is easily done at any age!!). you need good friends.

@wedding119 x posted with you!

I really can't understand a parent that wouldn't love to have a bonus overnight with their toddler as a point of principal (fine not to if they already have plans etc) but just never to want to have them except EOW bends my head!

The only thing B did wrong was mention these other family members she wasn't willing to ask. Seems silly to bring them up and give A (and posters here) an excuse to insist they should have been asked.

Unless A was being obnoxious and pushing "you didn't have ANYONE? The person who let you down is your ONLY RELATIVE" and B kind of shrugged and said "well we do have other family but they weren't an option".

Which is taken by A to be a "a close relative who I wouldn't usually ask" rather than "my ancient grandmother who can't handle small children" or "my aunt and uncle two hours drive away".

YANBU OP. Sometimes on MN people forget that not everyone has extended family on their doorstep, or that two year olds are still very young and a complete handful.

Our options for childcare are nursery, or grandparents A who are 1.5 hours away, or grandparents B who are 2.5 hours away. Grandparents A are getting on a bit, and grandparents B wouldn't feel comfortable looking after a two year old for the length of a wedding (loving and involved, just with us there). One sibling lives near Grandparents A but we only see them once a year - we'd trust them completely but at 2 our DC wouldn't have known them and it's also a big ask, so it would be emergencies only, certainly not for a wedding. Other sibling is a flight away.

There are more people we could call on now our DC are older (school friends and the like) but we didn't have that support system at 2.

@LoquaciousPineapple they're good friends, A is probably well aware of B's family.

A is definitely unreasonable.

YANBU. Not everyone is lucky enough to have a large support network or an actively involved father, unfortunately. Some people might be fine with using a babysitter but you’re not and that’s absolutely fine and valid.

Is A still giving you a hard time about this?

So your childcare didnt actually fall through at the last minute like you stated in your OP.

You didn’t even ask the child’s father or anyone else, because you decided without even asking that it would be pointless, the answer would be no or it was too short notice or whatever.

I can see that you were in a bind but don’t make out that you made every effort to sort alternative care.

You didn’t.

A is being unreasonable. B shouldn’t have to leave her child with a stranger because A wants a child free wedding.

Of course you are not being unreasonable, you did what you could. No one in their sound mind leaves their 2 y.o. with inexperienced and unfamiliar person, especially if it’s for a friend’s wedding, it’s not a life threatening medical emergency. What exactly did happen when you didn’t attend the dinner? Actually nothing. They got married anyway.
So don’t apologize anymore it seems that your friend doesn’t get it.