Wedding one - who is BU?

[wedding119]

Friend A got married last week. It was a childfree wedding and save the dates were sent approx 1 year prior.

Friend A and Friend B have been friends for around 15 years and are considered quite close. Not in the wedding party, bridesmaid close but good friends.

B has a young child who is 2 and no partner so was relying on family for childcare.

This childcare partly fell through at the last minute (a few days before the wedding) and B was only able to attend the ceremony and then had to leave missing the meal paid for by A and the rest of the wedding.

A feels like B didn't try hard enough to find alternate childcare, B feels like there was nothing they could do. They do have other family members but felt it was too short notice to ask as they arent super close and B refused to ask a babysitter as they don't feel comfortable leaving their child with a babysitter they have never used before.

Who is BU?

Should A just accept there isn't anything B could do or should B have tried harder to find last minute childcare/used a babysitter (or at least tried to find one even if they don't like the idea of using one).

Child comes first. Most 2-year-olds wouldn't be happy being left with a strange babysitter - I wouldn't have done that to mine. B attended the important bit rather than dropping out altogether. She didn't have a year's notice, she had a few days' notice of the childcare falling through. If I were A I'd be disappointed but do my best to get over it. The only exception I think would be if B had an important role in the proceedings that she was no longer able to perform; but you said she wasn't in the wedding party, so unlikely that was the case.

Does A think a 2yo can be left alone for the benefit of their party? It's ludicrous to be upset about childcare issues if you demand a child-free wedding, that's just a natural outcome.

But they're not places? We have extended family that we never see and, to me, they are not a viable place to leave my child. If my only communication is a christmas card once a year, then there's no way I'm calling them to ask them last minute to take my child whilst I go to a wedding.

A is being unreasonable. Which one are you, OP, A or B?

B was out of order.

B did have other people to ask, she didn’t bother to ask because she felt it was too short notice. She didn’t even try.

I hope B has offered to pay for the meal.

Have I missed who was babysitting while B was at the ceremony?

I hope B has offered to pay for the meal.

What?!

This childcare partly fell through at the last minute (a few days before the wedding) and B was only able to attend the ceremony and then had to leave missing the meal paid for by A and the rest of the wedding

Assuming the person/people who were having the toddler could no longer have them for an extended period of time based on the above.

You are obviously B.

B was overly precious and didn’t do much to attempt alternative childcare. A babysitter or extended family would have been fine, this is exactly the sort of time to ask for last minute help. Very PFB about it.

Had B exhausted all alternatives, A would have been U to kick off, but B didn’t.

A is foolish to make a big deal about it. It happened, it is over, least said soonest mended.

Honestly, both are unreasonable.

B had other people to ask (and obviously someone had the kid during the ceremony) but chose not to. Unreasonable.

A is fine to be miffed that B didn't try harder but to be making a song & dance about it, she loses my sympathy.

The safety and wellbeing of my children come above everything. I would not be leaving them with anyone I did not feel comfortable with, certainly not a baby sitter I had never met before or family members they did not know.

I'm sure some people would, as evident on this thread, but a lot of people wouldn't be able to relax in those circumstances.

It is a risk you take having a child free wedding.

I tend to find people who are very precious about their dcs, are hard work in other areas- they are often the people who are bad friends due to being a bit self centred and not always realising they are. Refusing to even ask other family members or to consider paid for childcare is rather mummy martyr and selfish.

it’s most likely that this is the straw that broke the camel’s back. It’s unlikely B is a good friend to A.

To be honest, if I was B, I would offer.

If I had left my friend down, regardless of how valid my reasons were, I would feel too bad not to.

I wonder what's the bigger picture here?

Is B the first friend to have a baby in this friend group?

Did A get lots of people dropping out and is nitpicking everyone's "excuses" because of the lost money?

Was B the only person to drop out and A is so stingy they're going to hold a grudge over £70 (a drop in the ocean of wedding costs).

It's all a bit weird.

No, a 2 year old can’t be left alone. They can be left with a childminder/nanny/babysitter. They can be left with a family member.

B wouldn’t try.

A is being unreasonable.

A sounds the unreasonable one. If B tried all she felt she could do other than leave her kids with strangers what more could she have done? If A wants a child free wedding that’s perfectly acceptable however needs to understand not everything always goes to plan and children will obviously come first.

Some children will take to a babysitter or childminder a lot easier than others. Presumably B knows her own child.

Of course A was unreasonable

assume you are B!

A.

She's the one that wanted a child-free wedding, and if people can't come because their childcare has fallen through at the last minute, it's her own fault if her friend can't come.

I agree 100%.
According to this thread though it seems that people never leave their children with a baby sitter / nanny or with extended family, only with a very small number of close relatives.
I have had nannies in the past, I have used baby sitters, etc usually in the real world, or at least around here, a mum friend will give you the number of her sitter and you start from there. You don’t do a ‘get to know you’ session with a baby sitter. You do with a nanny but even then, having spend a few hours together doesn’t mean the children ‘know’ the.
Never ever IRL have I heard people say their children can’t say with a sitter as they wouldn’t know them.

A needs to get over herself. All sorts of things can happen to mean that people have to drop out at the last minute. It’s normal life.

@Purplecrush

but that's the point, B DID NOT 'do what she could' she chose to let her friend down because she didn't want to ask family to babysit 'at the last minute'.

Why would you assume someone, especially someone who has had a childfree wedding, will be having their own children?

B could have tried a bit harder tbh. My oldest is 2 there are a few people i could ask as a one off to have my dd until 6/7 or paid for options that wpuld do evenings too.

That said if you want a childfree wedding you have to accept that things like this happen. It comes with the territory

EBABU everyones being a bit unreasonable