Wedding one - who is BU?

[wedding119]

Friend A got married last week. It was a childfree wedding and save the dates were sent approx 1 year prior.

Friend A and Friend B have been friends for around 15 years and are considered quite close. Not in the wedding party, bridesmaid close but good friends.

B has a young child who is 2 and no partner so was relying on family for childcare.

This childcare partly fell through at the last minute (a few days before the wedding) and B was only able to attend the ceremony and then had to leave missing the meal paid for by A and the rest of the wedding.

A feels like B didn't try hard enough to find alternate childcare, B feels like there was nothing they could do. They do have other family members but felt it was too short notice to ask as they arent super close and B refused to ask a babysitter as they don't feel comfortable leaving their child with a babysitter they have never used before.

Who is BU?

Should A just accept there isn't anything B could do or should B have tried harder to find last minute childcare/used a babysitter (or at least tried to find one even if they don't like the idea of using one).

A is the unreasonable one.

I think A Is unreasonable but did you consider asking nursery for an extra or longer day? Our nursery were really flexible, especially over summer when a lot of parents took them out or changed to a pre school x

Still not always possible

I didn't have friends to do that with till DC2

I knew you were B reading the OP. You left out all the important details that will explain why your friend is annoyed.

Your Dad became unwell 2 months ago. It was entirely foreseeable at that point that your parents might not be able to care for your DC and you left it until the last minute to do anything about it.

2 months ago - or even one month ago when your Dad came out of hospital you should have tried to arrange backup care and if that wasn't possible let your friend know that you might not be able to attend and ask her if, since you couldn't confirm would she rather invite someone else.

If it had truly been out of the blue that your childcare had fallen through A would be unreasonable, but as it is, you are.

A is unreasonable BUT if B didn't even ask family to watch their child for a close friend's wedding, that's pretty unreasonable too. But mostly A is unreasonable

Sorry OP, just read some of your other responses. A is unreasonable. You tried your best and your friend should be understanding of that. As a new (ish) mum of a 1 year old, I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving my LO with a babysitter either.

B is an absolute cow, she should have known that the world revolves around A's wedding. How she didn't have the foresight to be born into a large, close-knit family where everyone can look after each other's kids at short notice is anyone's guess, but in a pinch she could have just dropped the kid off at the local kennels.

Or, A should wind her neck in, and maybe see how she feels about her own kids if and when she has them.

Years ago in a large group of friends 50% of which had young children Gillian had a strict no children wedding and everyone adhered to it, even though it was a two hour distance away.
She had been very vocal in no children and been sharp when it was queried by a couple with new babies.

Two + years later Stephanie was getting married very locally, no travelling and also adult only, 6 months notice given.

There was no issue among her friends, everyone had apply time to organise and it wasn't even necessary to stay over.

Day of the wedding Gillian turns up at the church with her 12 month old and when met with huge surprise said "No one is telling ME where my child can go"....

Child was very noisy during the ceremony and she was pointedly asked to leave the church mid ceremony by some of Steph's friends.

On the day the bride and groom pointedly avoided them completely and carried on with their day.

AFTER the wedding the bride called Gillian and told her that their friendship was OVER and not to EVER contact her again.

Obviously the large friend group, think 20 couples, were very aware of what happened.

Gillian and her husband were not invited to another wedding nor to any further gatherings.

Their actions ensured they were phased out.

Gillian approached me directly as Stephanie is an old friend of mine.

I told her she was really rude and that I certainly wouldn't be defending her to Stephanie.
I told her she was a complete CF to have behaved the way she did, particularly after her own wedding demands re children and the distance it was from where dveryone lived.

That is 30 years ago and it never resolved itself.

I think weddings can bring out a real selfishness and lack of consideration in others.

Friend A being a right bridezilla.

A isn’t your friend as she’s not even trying to see this from your perspective so you need to distance yourself from people like that who only care about themselves and their Insta photos.

Wow! Another demanding Bridezilla just like A.

I didn’t leave my DS with any babysitter until he was 8yrs old.

I doubt the Op would lose much with a so-called 'friend' like that

I think the failure here is not the lack of childcare but rather the lack of foresight and communication. Had your parents been telling you they were going to have your DC right up until a couple of days before the wedding? Or did you just assume nothing had changed? I think for most people with their dad being that ill he required a month-long stay in hospital it would have been clear that childcare plans might need to change. In which case I can understand why your friend thinks you could have done more to avoid this. But if she literally means you should have asked every Tom, Dick and Harry two days before the wedding then she is BU.

Did you mean to reply to someone else? My post is about the op letting her friend know in advance that it was likely she wouldn't be able to attend rather than claiming the childcare issues were entirely unexpected and pulling out at the last minute.

Nowhere have I said she should use a babysitter she doesn't know/ is not comfortable with

When did you tell A that you weren’t attended all of it? Could they have asked someone else to attend the reception and so the food wouldn’t have gone to waste.

A is being unreasonable not B. B made the effort to come to the ceremony which quite frankly is the important bit the rest is just a party

Oh for goodness sake.

The OP considered options, found a compromise that supported A in the most important part of day; considered her childs needs and made it work.

A needs to grow up! And franklyif she can't or wont look at what B did and how she compromised then why on earth would B want her as a friend anyway!!

CosyLemur · Today 09:33
Neither is being unreasonable; just because they have opposing views on the matter, doesn't mean someone is being unreasonable. It's okay for both parties to have feelings. It's totally fine for Person A to be upset that she couldn't have a dance with someone she's close to and wanted to dance/spend time with. And it's okay for Person B to feel like they did enough to get a babysitter last minute.

True but the behaviour from A after the event because of her feelings and her complete lack of empathy for the position B was in is not reasonable!!

A is being unreasonable. It’s sad for both that B missed most of the wedding, but sounds unavoidable.

A was unreasonable because it's not her child so she has no idea how the child would cope being with a stranger.

My 2 year old would be fine being left with someone she knows well but if left with a stranger or near-stranger she would scream and panic. No-one else gets to decide that it's fine to do that to my child (or poor babysitter for that matter!), especially not for their wedding. Bridezillas are the worst.

In this kind of situation B is asked to choose between her child and her friend. Does that make it easier to understand? Yes, there are parents who would find someone unknown to the child to babysit and walk away without a backward glance. I was not one of them and I suspect most mothers would not either. When you have young children, plans often have to change at the very last minute. It is just how things are.

I think both are a bit unreasonable.

B could’ve tried a bit harder….you didn’t even ASK the child’s father just presumed he’d say no.

Whereas A possibly does need to be a bit more understanding.

Lovely sweeping statement and attitude there. You do realise that childless does not equal brainless?

Don’t think you read the OP, Donuthole. Plus I didn’t write brainless, nor imply it, think you inserted yourself & your misplaced anger into the discussion revealing much.