Can’t get onboard with new SIL she was the OW

[Boilinghotlady]

BIL was sleeping with the lady from work and split up his long term marriage. She knew he was married and had young children she continued to sleep with him. She was also in a long term relationship but no kids.

Shes now been introduced to us me and DH not a huge fan. We loved ex SIL so still trying to come to terms with it. MIL and FIL seems to like her and have forgotten all about the ex.

I have now heard through the grapevine that she is now pregnant. I have just naturally distanced myself from the whole family because it all seems very fake and full on.

AIBU? I don’t want to seem unwelcoming and bitter but it feels so messed up.

Another here who is appalled by Arraminta's post.
I'm not convinced by it...suspect much of it has been embellished. Chilling either way...she either meted out a cruel, calculated, protracted punishment without just cause, or she is pretending that she did, which is sad.
Imagine being proud of yourself over that. Yeesh.

I simply can’t believe that you seem so proud of your cruelty. Your Mother in law behaved in a perfectly reasonable way. Contact with her son’s girlfriend ended when the relationship did and she welcomed you back when the relationship resumed. All of which is perfectly normal.
I’m not normally so blunt but I fear you are unhinged.

Tbh I think it’s none of your business

Are you a close family and how did you get on with BIL before this happened? Maybe sometime and distance is needed, like you’re doing. He’s still your brother though

I get you. I'd feel the same.
Horrible selfish people. Such a shame on his wife and kids. 💔

It's not your life, or your business

@Arraminta wtaf? Was she supposed to be your bestie after you and her son had broken up? You were his ex girlfriend, what exactly did you expect her to do? What a vile post.

Having read what you have written.

YOU REAP WHAT YOU SOW..

Unbelievable that someone could be so vile and calculating.

Bitterness and judgement won't help the 3 children involved. Having the adults make it very clear they don't accept someone they will likely grow to love is awful. The children will now have this woman as their stepmother no matter what anyone else thinks or wants. She will be the mother of their half sibling. Cutting her out of your lives and letting it be known you hate her only further serves to fracture their already broken family. I was the child in the scenario and those who ostracised my stepmother were tripping over themselves to tell me how awful she was caused me so much pain. She wasn't awful to me. I grew to love her and was made to feel I was betraying my own mother by having a relationship with her. Don't bloody do it. Stay neutral and out of it. Ostracising them isn't in the children's best interest.

You should keep in touch with the three nieces/nephews. They are the ones who have had their home split up & will be feeling bruised. Being a steady adult who still cares about them is important.

Gotta be honest I’d be outright hostile. And sweetly keep asking bil and pil how their children/grandchildren are.

When I was a teenager, my uncle (Mum’s brother) had an affair after ten years of marriage. He married the OW and had kids with her.

My mum stayed in touch with her ex SIL and was far closer with her and her new husband than with her brother.

Family isn’t always about blood relatives.

I guess BIL is your husbands brother?

This!

I'd give them both a wide berth & would feel no obligation to be anything other than perfunctorily polite to either of them.

If you don’t like her; you don’t like her; you can’t make yourself warm to her.

i loved my Sil when I found out Dbil was cheating my heart broke for her; she kicked him out & faced the wrath of Dpils but I stood firm & told all of them she wasn’t just my Sil she was my friend & I wasn’t turning my back on her; I wasn’t going to be drawn into the he did she did scenarios but I’d give her all the support her & the children needed end of.

Dbil & Dpils didn’t like it but they know I won’t back down; I made sure she was invited to all family parties; meals etc & although they did divorce they did it on friendlier terms than they would have done if we’d all sided with Dbil who’s actually a bit of a tool.

But I guess what I’m saying is your Sil might need your support & if your on really good terms with her keep her as a friend; my ex Sil is one of my closest friends x

My dad and step mum were this couple. My dad and mum were unhappy, both had affairs. My dad’s just became serious and he left my mum
for the OW.

I felt some resentment as an 8 year old but got over it, my DSM made a lot of effort not to be our mum but to be part of our contact with dad. That must have been tricky as she was younger with no DC and could have easily been obstructive, or just as easily walked away saying ‘nah, didn’t sign up for this.’

That was nearly 45 years ago. My dad is 80 this year and don’t think he’s actively looking to fill a vacancy as yet.

OP - as you’re not actively on your ex-SILs ‘side’ you’ve no reason to ostracise new-SIL. No one is saying you have to be best buddies with her but be the bigger person and be civil.

What is her behaviour like to you as a matter of interest? And what does your DH think of her? Dont think you’ve said.

By putting the ‘but’ in there it seems like you are implying she is worse for sleeping with a married man. BIL was the married man, he’s the one with children he made his choice. They are both as bad as each other!

Flippin heck @Arraminta

So you and DP broke up briefly.

Your MIL did what every sensible MIL should do- kept her nose out, mouth shut and didn’t interfere.

Subsequently you get back together, married, have children and she is very happy for you.

Yet you treat her like she has wronged you and spend the last few years of her life making her suffer. You have a very warped sense of integrity. I hope you look back on this with shame when you are a MIL.

This happened to us but SIL (DH sister) had the affair and BIL was frozen out . The PIL soon blamed ex BIL and started running him down despite him having the kids live with him. It soured my relationship with all of them, I saw how easily I would be forgotten and how I would be spoken about in my absence.

You sound utterly delightful!

What a nasty spiteful response to a VERY common dilemma for parents when their children split with a partner.

YOU are a vile person.

Blimey.

I do understand feeling hurt that someone you saw as "family" showed that blood was thicker than water. But your secret plots and relishing making a elderly widow's life hard and lonely is just chilling.

Very chilling - that sounds so awful @Arraminta Do you feel no remorse at all?

Why is it being a drama queen to not want to play nice with a cheating BIL and the woman who replaced the wife?

Moral police comes to mind.

I completely agree. OP loved her ex SIL so much that she abandoned her during the divorce and showed her no support at all? If I were her I’d be done with OP.

OP - Given your treatment of your ex SIL, I would suggest your issue with your BIL’s new woman is more to do with the situation making you feel insecure. Maybe you can also be replaced so easily?

Just be civil. It’s not your place to judge her. Like others have said, if it wasn’t her it would be someone else. Your BIL sounds a prize catch.