Can’t get onboard with new SIL she was the OW

[Boilinghotlady]

BIL was sleeping with the lady from work and split up his long term marriage. She knew he was married and had young children she continued to sleep with him. She was also in a long term relationship but no kids.

Shes now been introduced to us me and DH not a huge fan. We loved ex SIL so still trying to come to terms with it. MIL and FIL seems to like her and have forgotten all about the ex.

I have now heard through the grapevine that she is now pregnant. I have just naturally distanced myself from the whole family because it all seems very fake and full on.

AIBU? I don’t want to seem unwelcoming and bitter but it feels so messed up.

@Arraminta genuinely don't know how you live with that on your conscience, I felt sick reading your treatment of your poor MIL.

Not unreasonable at all to distance yourselves but don’t let the children and cousins suffer as a result.

Also you should reach out to ex SIL. She is guaranteed feeling completely discarded by all of you. Also what you know of her behaviour has presumably come from your BIL. Whatever she did I probably wouldn’t blame her.

What are you trying to achieve? Is it to judge the adulterer and his lover, is it to condemn them, or do you just want to condemn the woman because on some level you believe that she is to be criticised more than the male of the species? Is it about trying to support your former SIL and her children? Supporting your SIL is achievable without getting into the moral maze of condemnation. Or is this really about sending a signal to your own husband and his family about your views on adultery?

All you have to do is be polite to her, you don't have to be bosom besties. This stuff happens. It's shit but it's surely not worth a family feud?

As for Arraminta, well what a cunty thing to say/do! I hope she didn't leave you any money as benefitting from in any way after her death would make you the worst possible type of human being. Aren't you ashamed?

So it’s the new SIL you have a problem with not BIL? Funny that 🙄
Its not your business either way.

If you were close to her then I’d drop her a line and say that now the divorce is over you want to let her know how much you always valued her as a member of the family and that you would love to stay in touch if she feels able to. If you have kids who get on then you could go for Mums and cousins outings together. She probably felt really unloved and unsupported.

Good Grief ! :o/ was the 5 year old in the room when she said it ??

I have a bit of sympathy for Araminta. She was with her dp for 11 years and her mil didn't just keep out of it, she cut her off and was deliberately cold. Now that would be fair enough if Araminta had done something awful to mil's son but she doesn't say that, so I'm presuming it wasn't anything like that.
If I'd spent years going above and beyond god someone and they made it clear my only value to them as a person, was my relationship to their son, I don't think I'd be inclined to forget that either.

You don't know the full circumstances that led to a messy divorce... If she makes BIL happy then just go with that.

If you can't stand her independently of what's happened then you just need to be civil.

Not sure why sweetly asking about the children would be such a killer idea. I'm assuming they all still see the children which is normal. He split with their mother not the children.

My daughters five year relationship ended. I'd got along with her ex perfectly well, but it didn't occur to me to continue contact with him. I didn't 'cut him off' but I was supporting my DD who came home to live with me for a few months, and it didn't occur to me to contact him. Why would I? And he didn't contact me either. Surely that's pretty much the norm?

I got the impression it was more pointed than just not actively keeping in touch. Idk, I live in a smallish town and when DS and his gf split, I did still speak to her if I saw her in the street, sent Christmas cards because I'd genuinely liked her for herself and not only because she was DS girlfriend. Maybe it was the lack of any sort of warmth or friendliness that Araminta was upset by, especially since she'd considers them close.
It does depend on the relationships really. When my brother and his long term partner split, that was more 'cut off' because the relationship between her and I had only existed through my brother, we weren't personally friends.
It does hurt people when they consider the in-laws to be family and the in-laws see that person as important only on the context of their relationship to the son/sibling etc.

Because the hurt is between the people in the relationship.

Op is trying to shame ow on ex-sil's behalf. There's no need for her to do that. It doesn't help anyone, it's just her enjoying sitting in judgment of bil.

Because unless OP wants to 'make a thing' of something that really isn't her business to, she will have the sense to keep out of it.

'Married in' is very different to being blood. I'm sorry but it is. Married-in is replaceable, a blood member isn't. I think quite a few posters have alluded to this also.

So much drama over so not-very-much.

Seems normal to me. I do keep in touch with exDIL because we make arrangements about the children as I've always done childcare but exs of my kids where there weren't children it wouldn't occur to me they are expecting me to get in touch. No issues, I'd say hello if I saw them in the street but it is normal to move on.

Maybe I'm influenced by my late MIL who kept in touch with my husband's first fiancee, they were teenagers and 40 years later MIL was still in touch, it was all very weird, childless ex had an obsession with DH and tracked our lives through MIL which wasn't good for any of us. I do think it was a contributor to MH problems which led to the ex having inpatient treatment.

I think moving on is healthy.

Op is trying to shame ow on ex-sil's behalf. There's no need for her to do that. It doesn't help anyone, it's just her enjoying sitting in judgment of bil.. Got it in on one, @Haroldwilson . Except she's also enjoying sitting in judgment of his new partner. Possibly even more so.

When you say she’s “now been introduced” to you and your husband - are she and BIL married, or is she just his girlfriend?

I’m not sure why that would be in any way intimidating. You’d likely just get outright hostility back, whilst being seen as the instigator of it and ‘the problem’ when everyone else has moved on.

Making a continued issue of the situation, which really has nothing to do with OP, is likely going to end up with her being alienated rather than the BIL and his partner.

What would be the point?

Boilinghotlady I couldn't sleep with another man who had a wife and small children either.

I would try and keep in touch with your exSIL - she is the mother of your DC cousins.

She should've just brought it up with MIL and explained how it hurt her and give her a chance to explain/apologise not harbour a grudge for decades and actively scheme against her to make her life harder forever, poor woman probably had no idea what she'd done. It all could've been cleared up but no she wanted to relish getting her revenge because she's a narc probably. "Vindictive narcissists tend to hold onto grudges, often feel anger and resentment, and find ways to seek revenge against people who they feel wronged by." Sounds familiar...

I’ve been in this situation but unfortunately I was the wife 😞
my SIL and niece made sure we were always part of each others lives and we continue to be very close.
you say you feel sorry for your ex SIL yet you didn’t fight to maintain a relationship, if you really wanted to you should have.

End of the day, it's his life & yes, he did things you don't agree with, but they were his & other woman's choices.

Your ex-SIL is still mother of your nieces/nephews, so I would stay in touch with her. You said time has passed, well contact her now before even more time has passed. I'm sure the children will want to see their aunt & uncle. A year with no contact is a long time for both ex SIL & kids.

You don't like OW. Is it because of the situation or you genuinely don't like her personality?

We had something similar here. My brother left his long term gfriend & his very small baby. Next thing, new girlfriend moved into the house...
I couldn't take to her but in the end, I just sucked it up and came to like her. I was judging her based on the situation and the fact I loved the ex girlfriend & I was disgusted by my brother's actions. Am I saying we became best friends? No. But I was polite when visiting. She also got pregnant & they've now separated. I stay in touch to maintain contact with my niece.

We're all different aren't we. I'd find it really uncomfortable if my ex's family kept trying to be in touch with me. They saw the children when they were with their father, I didn't see any reason to be involved. His brother's wife did try to be very friendly with me, to be honest I just thought she was being nosey.

Why wouldn't the children see their father's family when they are with their father? Are mothers the only parent who can visit family with their children?

I didn't say that.

In OP's cause, she can of course see the children with her brother & new partner.
However OP has an issue with new partner & liked ex SIL so what harm is there to keep seeing her?

Also in my case, I still see my brother ex-partners because my brother has nothing to do with his kids so only way I'll see both children is to visit both ex partners.