Can’t get onboard with new SIL she was the OW

[Boilinghotlady]

BIL was sleeping with the lady from work and split up his long term marriage. She knew he was married and had young children she continued to sleep with him. She was also in a long term relationship but no kids.

Shes now been introduced to us me and DH not a huge fan. We loved ex SIL so still trying to come to terms with it. MIL and FIL seems to like her and have forgotten all about the ex.

I have now heard through the grapevine that she is now pregnant. I have just naturally distanced myself from the whole family because it all seems very fake and full on.

AIBU? I don’t want to seem unwelcoming and bitter but it feels so messed up.

This is how in-laws would also treat you I'd imagine I'd probably distance myself from them all. Your right I couldn't stomach having to sit in a room with OW pretending she's a nice person when all the time knowing what she really is.

Well you seemed to think the children would be missing seeing the OP if their mother wasn't involved. You said I'm sure the children will want to see their aunt & uncle. A year with no contact is a long time for both ex SIL & kids.

So as I said they can see their aunt/uncle/father's family with their father. Obviously if the OP doesn't want to see their father that's on her but it doesn't mean you need to see the ex to see the children.

This. Only the people directly involved know what really happened. Their child will be your children’s cousin. People do stupid things sometimes.

Don't be so judgemental, you don't know all of the details and you definitely come across as unwelcoming and bitter. It's not your drama or your situation, you don't need to be so involved or have so many opinions. This lady deserves a chance. She made a mistake, they made a mistake, but they didn't hurt you so stop being so judgy over something that ist actually any of your business. It's decent to be polite at the very least. The parents sound like they are giving her a chance, good for them.

Yabu no offence but if bil and her have not done anything wrong to you, how they chose to live there life and the Choices they make has nothing to do with you. You may not agree with what he/she done but there adults.

OP I have a lot of experience in this department as both my brothers are dogs.

My elder brother had an office affair with a woman behind his wifes back, they had 3 children.

His wife was in hospital at one point having knee surgery and he asked me to babysit their kids. What I didn't know at the time was that he was out with OW (we had no idea about her at the time). SIL called from hospital and was shocked to hear me pick up the landline. She asked where my brother was and I explained he had gone out.

He had turned his phone off, no way of contacting him in an emergency.

SIL asked me to go through his glovebox and check for a 2nd phone whilst on the call. She must have had an incline.

He ended up marrying the OW and having a child. They later divorced and she still causes him problems now, she is incredibly difficult. I never got on with her or made any effort. I was civil though.

They married in secret so I didn't attend.

Younger brother, married 17 years has just (2 months ago) left his wife. He claims there was no OW, however SIL has seen evidence of things that indicate otherwise. Now all of a sudden my 44 year old brother is dating a 23 year old girl who's dad he went to school with!

He even brought her to our father's Wake after his funeral, as soon as he had shipped his ex wife and child off.

I wont be making any effort with this one. I was forced to meet her, I didn't like her and that's that.

However I will say, if your brother means anything to you, you shouldn't get involved. These things happen. You don't have to be best friends but do try to be civil. It probably wont last long.

I don't agree with that. In a marriage of some years standing, lots of people can be hurt by the break up. Children obviously but if in laws and siblings got on and were close it's disingenuous to say it wouldn't affect them. My ex tried to force his parents to cut contact with me because he lied to them about all sorts and was worried the more time they spent with me the more they'd twig that. Happily they didn't. It's not just about the two people at the centre and I'm pretty horrified at the no of people who are not so subtly victim blaming the cheated on wife with "no-one knows the truth". You're miserable, you leave. The minute you cheat you become the bad guy no matter how much in love you are with the AP.

Playing devil's advocate here.....

What do you all expect the parents in law to do in a situation like this?
My son is in a long-term relationship, they're very happy and settled together, and I love his partner dearly. However, should they break up, for whatever reason, I would always still love and support him. I would obviously still love and try to support his partner but ultimately, once they've split up they will go their separate ways and she will not perhaps want to keep in touch with us, despite our best efforts.
A lot of you seem to think that the man should be cast aside and all support go to the woman but my son would always come first to me, always has, always will. I would be devastated if he did such a thing and be deeply ashamed but I would never turn my back on him.
Reading a lot of threads like this, the consensus seems to be that the parents are in the wrong but I wonder, if you were to be honest, how many of you would really turn your back on your son?
If the wronged partner goes on to make a new life for herself, chances are she's going to not keep in touch with her ex-inlaws (I do know occasionally this happens but not often) Why would you alienate your son, only for this to then happen, and end up with neither of them?

How does this situation become how you feel about it??

Your brother is happy. That is all you need to know - no opinion is required

I have a family member whose DS had an affair and left his partner for the OW.

His parents refused to speak to him and instead sided with his ex, looked after the children, did everything they could for her.

Then gradually as time went on they re-established contact with their DS, because he’s their son. And at that point the ex turned completely, alienated the children against them to the extent the youngest one said to her grandmother “I’m not allowed to speak to you because you speak to my dad.”

She’s on her own and bitter and the new partner and him are married and she’s just had a baby.

It’s very easy to sit up on the moral high ground when all you have is an opinion and no facts or relationship to speak of.

You can judge the BIL for having got together with someone else, but ultimately who does it really benefit if you refuse to have anything to do with them? It might make you feel better but does it actually do anything other than that?

And as for the in-laws, she’s the mother of their grandchild, however that might have come about.

There are plenty of people who would have something to say if their child had an affair, but very few who would actively turn their back on them. Because we’re all human, and as much as mumsnet likes to look at affairs in the same way as they seem to look at murder, it’s something that the majority of people do at some point, and if we all rejected people who cheated on other people nobody would have many friends in the world.

As much as the ex gets painted as a psycho and it's categorically not true a lot of the time it is...anyone who uses children as a weapon because they're 'right' is fairly vile. We've known one woman who was cheated on and honestly the way she behaved in the aftermath just meant everyone thought 'at least he got out'.

If I don’t like them don’t hang around with them, it’s no big deal lots don’t socialise with family.

Completely agree with this. I’m appalled by the amount of victim-blaming that is going on in this thread and people telling the OP not to judge them because the BIL may have been unhappy in his relationship - as if that is an acceptable reason to cheat and disrespect your then-wife in front of your children. The BIL has essentially shown his children that it’s ok to cheat on their future partner.

Also, people don’t cheat because they’re unhappy - they cheat because an affair doesn’t have the worries and responsibilities of everyday life. If he was unhappy, then he didn’t need an affair to end the relationship, he would have done it already and probably way before meeting the OW. In fact, with the way the OP describes the divorce as messy, I’d guess that the ex-wife found out about the affair and up to that point he was probably fully content with his home life.

Sounds like one big shit show. All you can do is be polite. Like you are at work when you don't like someone. I don't understand why you would even consider telling your ex sister in law of his relationship and baby news, unless of course you want to upset her.

Courtesy is all that is required

You are not being unreasonable and you are under no obligation to cosey up to new SIL.

That said if you have more animosity towards the new SIL than BIL then I would say you need to question why that is. They are both terrible humans and I would be limiting my interaction with both as much as possible. I would not compromise my moral code for anybody.

It says she knew he was married and had children.

so you don't talk to BIL at all, and yet you are upto date with all the events.. be polite at family gatherings and job done

What is the BiL?

Unhappy people can leave. Having an affair is for people of low morals.
Also while we are not on the selection committee for other people’s partners we are also not obliged to be on the “welcome” committee.

What she is saying is the love of a parent for their child is far more powerful than the love of a spouse for their brother in law.

It’s why you see parents turning up to court to support their criminal children but I doubt they would do the same for a remote familial relationship.