Can’t get onboard with new SIL she was the OW

[Boilinghotlady]

BIL was sleeping with the lady from work and split up his long term marriage. She knew he was married and had young children she continued to sleep with him. She was also in a long term relationship but no kids.

Shes now been introduced to us me and DH not a huge fan. We loved ex SIL so still trying to come to terms with it. MIL and FIL seems to like her and have forgotten all about the ex.

I have now heard through the grapevine that she is now pregnant. I have just naturally distanced myself from the whole family because it all seems very fake and full on.

AIBU? I don’t want to seem unwelcoming and bitter but it feels so messed up.

I'm not disagreeing but the OP worded it as though it was the OW who was at fault. 'She slept with him' He waant a victim. It takes 2 to have an affair. They're every bit as bad as each other.

Can’t believe someone is posting calling his new partner a tart. Utterly ridiculous and I’ve images of a sturdy bosomed hyacinth bucket thinking she’s having a right go.

such misogynistic language.

Why would you be more concerned with the nieces and nephews they already have? You can't surely be suggesting that children are deserving of more or less concern based on whether they were born to a first wife or a second who was the OW? And yes, you're correct no one is obligated to have a relationship with the children within the extended family, and everyone is perfectly entitled to put their virtue signalling and punishment of women who men have affairs with ahead if that, should they wish. However it doesn't sit very well with the cries of 'think of the children' does it?

I really value integrity in people and just wouldn't have any respect for either your BIL or his new girlfriend. I would be civil but that's all I would ever be. When someone shows you exactly who they are, then you really should pay attention.

DH (then just my boyfriend) and I had been together for 11 years. In that time I had holidayed with his Mum, visited her when she was in hospital, helped her numerous times. We'd never had a cross word. But when DH and I briefly split up she absolutely cut me off for dead, she couldn't have been colder. She showed me very clearly exactly the sort of person she truly was and I paid attention.

She was all smiles again when DH and I got back together and got married and had our DCs. But I wasn't fooled. I quietly cut her out of our lives as much as possible. When FIL died I secretly worked to not help her or support her in every way possible. The last few years of her life were much lonelier and harder then they could have been.

You reap what you sow.

Wow, you sound almost proud of yourself.

Why would you be more concerned with the nieces and nephews they already have? You can't surely be suggesting that children are deserving of more or less concern based on whether they were born to a first wife or a second who was the OW?

@5128gap - Let’s think, who needs support of the extended family? Those children you’ve known and loved for years who have seen their family break up and a bitter divorce lead to estrangement, or a newborn who knows nothing about any of it and has both parents in residence…

I don’t judge the OW a fraction as harshly as I judge the cheating fuckwit who betrayed his family to get his leg over.

If someone is unhappy in a marriage, split up. Don’t line up Wife No.2 while living with Wife No.1. It’s not a queue.

Completely agree

What on earth!?

I’d find this level of performative outrage much more understandable if you were very close to your former sister-in-law and found it difficult to reconcile her pain with your BIL, his new partner and their pregnancy. But what you’re describing is a messy, complex situation in which everyone involved, including, according to you, your former SIL, did ‘messed up things’.

I do agree with the last part of your message, but I think it does go both ways.

Nobody knows what was truly going on inside a relationship or why OP's BIL ended up doing what he did. It's not really anyone's business except BIL and ex-wife.

I think to react harshly off the bat and rule out any positive relationship with him and his new partner right away could turn out to be a mistake down the line, as BIL and new partner will in turn remember how they were treated at this stage and that will colour how they then interact and treat OP & family.

I think it's best to just go in with an open mind and see how it plays out. Maybe new partner will be awful and nobody will want any relationship with her anyway, or maybe she'll be OK and in 5 years' time OP will be glad she didn't go off the deep end and refuse to get to know her in these early times.

Fucking hell @Arraminta

If it’s not my relationship then it’s not my business. I couldn’t be fucked to judge tbh 🤷🏻‍♀️

And ‘this is what you mean to your in laws! They’d treat you the same way!’ - well, yes? Most people, even if they disapprove of their actions, will ‘choose’ their brother/sister/child over an estranged/ex spouse.

@Arraminta, your above post shows who you are.

You quietly cut your MIL out of both your DH and your lives as much as possible.

When your FIL died you secretly worked to not help her or support her in every way possible.

You ensured that the last few years of your MIL's life were much lonelier and harder then they could have been.

I hope you reap what you sow.

Integrity is clearly overrated. I think I'd prefer to be friends with the OW than this example of integrity. No actually take think out of it, I would prefer to be friends with the OW than this example of integrity.

I'm like you OP, I couldn't overlook how they got together and wouldn't want to associate with her at all. I've struggled to be in the same room as people like this before - luckily my family is large so it's not too noticeable when two people aren't talking to one another.

Love @Frasers response who wouldn't judge the man that cheats on his wife but in the next breath goes on to judge the woman saying she'd support her own son but not an (unrelated) BIL

If it were me I'd be a lot more concerned that my 'D'H had at worst badly poisoned the well against me in order to look like the injured party, or at best had stood aside like a wet lettuce while his mother cold shouldered me. But hey, why make a man accountable in any way shape of form if you can vent your spite by encouraging the neglect of a vulnerable old women? And if your H stood by and let you 'secretly work' against his mother, then he is either outstandingly stupid to have failed to notice your cruelty, or exceptionally weak to not have stood up to you. Let's hope you never need support with someone 'working against' you because married to him, you'll reap what you've sown.

Id just spend as little time as possible with them. Bit of small talk at a family event( if they approached me) and no more than that. Yes, It is their life to live and no one knows what goes on in other peoples relationships. But what I do know is how I feel about infidelity- I believe it is a form of abuse. So I’d keep my distance.

This is actually one of the worst things I’ve ever read on mn. And that’s saying something!

I don't think you know what integrity means. Because you really don't have an ounce of it. That last paragraph is beyond shocking. You are a terrible person.

I also think @Arraminta is a bit deluded. Of course your relationship is your boyfriend’s parents is only a function of you being in a relationship with him — that’s pretty much the brief. Sometimes it survives a breakup, divorce etc, often not if there are no children involved. It’s not evil of a parent to stop contact with an adult child’s partner if they split, especially if, as in this case, the split was brief. @Arraminta also doesn’t mention who instigated the split.

I’ve been with DH for 30 years and while I’m fond of his parents, I know they wouldn’t stay in touch if we broke up. I don’t resent it, it’s simply a fact that we’re very different, they preferred his girlfriend before me, and that I’m only in their lives because I’m married to their son.

I don't think @Arraminta is a bit deluded. I think Arraminta is a sociopath. Genuinely.

Well, if she put her MIL in some Oliver Twist-style workhouse in old age purely because the woman never got in touch during her brief split with her partner (which might come down to ‘she didn’t text for the week of our break’), then yes, I’d agree! But I suspect the ‘I made sure she had a miserable old age’ comes from the same stable as ‘I stood up to the bully and the whole bus applauded’.😀

You're being a drama queen op. You never know what goes on in other people's relationships, and he didn't cheat on you.

Your job is to make nice and pass the ketchup, not to sit in judgment. I don't see how it helps anyone for you to flounce about clutching your pearls, especially if a new child is brought into the family.

She claims to have 'secretly worked' to ensure the woman had a harder and lonelier old age than she might have. I'd imagine it amounts to manipulating and decieving her invertebrate and unintelligent husband into neglecting his mother.

Re happy people not having affairs - it's impossible to be happy 100% of the time. Life is stressful and hard sometimes, relationships go through peaks and troughs because of this. The attraction of an affair is that it's exciting, it's cushioned from everyday worries and the routine that you get in real life. It doesn't mean there was anything inherently wrong with the marriage.
But things don't stay shiny and new forever and everything becomes 'normal' eventually!
To me it's a bit victim blaming to say the marriage wasn't happy, like that's justification for wrecking your children's stability and causing pain to a person you promised to love and protect.

OP, I would dial back from taking on too much responsibility or involvement with the in-laws - it's clear where you'd be in the pecking order if your own marriage went pear shaped. So don't feel you have to behave as anything other than politely distant.
I would contact ex sil - she will appreciate you reaching out and even if she doesn't want ongoing contact, you'll have done the right thing in letting her know she was important, valued and missed!
Be polite to bil snd new sil, but you aren't under any obligation to socialise or be close. If your dh snd bil want the kids to be close, it's on them to facilitate that, not you.