Can’t get onboard with new SIL she was the OW

[Boilinghotlady]

BIL was sleeping with the lady from work and split up his long term marriage. She knew he was married and had young children she continued to sleep with him. She was also in a long term relationship but no kids.

Shes now been introduced to us me and DH not a huge fan. We loved ex SIL so still trying to come to terms with it. MIL and FIL seems to like her and have forgotten all about the ex.

I have now heard through the grapevine that she is now pregnant. I have just naturally distanced myself from the whole family because it all seems very fake and full on.

AIBU? I don’t want to seem unwelcoming and bitter but it feels so messed up.

@BlackPanther75

"Exactly.

Of course his parents are going to want to keep a relationship with their son and their grandchildren

I’m sure his parents have mixed feelings about the situation too but they are older, and wiser, and they want the best for their son and his new family"

I'd say they were anything but wiser, and in fact were endorsing disgusting behaviour.

Agreed

These replies are hilarious, 'tart" . Newsflash, people divorce, people have affairs, life goes on. You don't get to dictate how your BIL lives and they will give zero shits on your judgy opnions anyway. Their are some seriously anxious wives on this thread!

Horrible situation but I couldn't be arsed with living in a situation with loads of angst.
You might not like how they got together, but that's the reality and he's your husband's brother.

The OW might be temporary until another one comes along. You don't have to be best friends but, as you say, there are kids involved, I'd just go the flow and see how it all works out.
It's not as though you even kept in touch with your SIL.

Yes newsflash people are are awful @Fourfifty . Can only assume you are/have been the other woman to think that sort of behaviour is inconsequential. My father was a cheat and it has an enormous impact on the children. But obviously none of that matters to people like you.

I’d feel same about BIL and OW but I’d just keep a distance as much as possible.

It’s a shame you havent kept in touch with SIL when you liked her so much.

My XH dumped me for OW. I was close to his family and so happy that they kept in touch with me afterwards, it meant so much to me. We just didn’t talk about him.

The vile names on here are something else.

Your BIL made a vow to your ex sil, his new partner did not any hurt caused should be laid at your BILs feet, anyone having an affair is not happy in their relationship.

I when people behave in ways that clearly demonstrate that they can't be trusted it's only sensible to be wary of them.

Clearly it has an impact on the children but a lot of that impact is from adults being unable to move forward and playing out their hostilities in front of the kids - in exactly the way the OP is saying and what so many posters are suggesting she should.

I have never been the OW but I think OP is 100% intolerant and judgemental (and frankly juvenile).

My BIL had an affair that resulted in divorce but I have never ostracised him or run him down. My nephew and I can have nice genuine conversations about his Daddy

So in other words you've done exactly what MIL and FIL have done. Except in their case you've described them as "forgetting about the ex".

Actually it's all about OP.

This has got very little to do with the SIL who OP hasn't bothered to contact for a year (but "loves" obvs) but OP seeing directly how disposable she is.

This

This. Marriages aren’t always as they appear to be. Judgements are silly - just see whether you actually like her. Failing that, just be polite at family functions.

No point in creating dramas about something that wasn’t really your business.🤷‍♀️

I would keep it polite. As for ex sister in law i would keep in touch if I got on with her. How thst could be a drama after sh*t show of BIL and affair I really don't know.

Well sometimes it comes from the other side. When BIL and SIL got divorced, SIL basically cut contact with us as said while it wasn’t our fault she just needed a break from BIL’s side of the family as she felt she couldn’t openly slag off BIL to his own siblings. 18 months later and it’s calmed down/ finalised and we are fine again but I think the space probably helped that.

Well that wasn’t my experience at all. My mother never said a bad word about my father to me (which she was well within her rights to considering his cheating). I wasn’t used as a pawn, they had 50/50 custody.

What impacted me was having OW forced upon me in my home on my father’s contact days and having my family broken up suddenly without any warning.

I would blame BIL, stay in contact with ex SIL and give the new one a reasonable chance (not endorsing the behaviour but the older I get the more I realise how utterly imperfect most of us are).

Tricky for his parents as he is still their son, despite the mess he’s caused. If they want to maintain a relationship with him they have to accept his new GF. At least on the surface whatever their feelings about the situation.

No excuse to cut out the ex and kids though. They need to be in touch with them.

No need to be besties OP just be civil at family meet ups.

Your BIL also "knew he was married". I wonder if you despise him as much as her? By all means distance yourself from the both of them, but don't just blame her as he was the one who betrayed his own wife.

Its not karma for BiL if he leaves his new wife to cheat with another and another leaving a string of women in his wake, is it? He will be doing as he pleases, getting no comeuppance at all, so why would you be glad of that?
Anyway, in many cases that's not what happens at all. A lot of relationships that start this way go on to be long second marriages. The idea of a vacancy and that they'll be a next one is a fallacy that assumes the man has access to plenty of options, when in reality few do as they get older and they often settle eventually.
Ill wishing them and getting yourself all riled up and angry, calling the OW names and desperately hoping he will cheat again to serve her right is just bad for the blood pressure.

So you’re disgusted with your PIL for sticking with their child, regardless of their terrible behaviour, as the vast majority of parents would, yet YOU’VE also dropped her?

how is that view from your hypocrital high horse??

What they did is totally immoral so it’s absolutely normal to feel the way you do. Also if you are married with kids it’s obviously a relatable situation. Your pils attitude is interesting…. very fickle and awful really but they are sticking by their horrible son obviously..
You don’t have to act delighted to meet this person. It’s horrible, particularly for the children involved. End of the day they’ll have to face what they’ve done one day..

@curious79 I believe most of these situations have a serious impact on children regardless of whether the families are civil etc. What they did to a horrible and they know that on some level ,most people have a conscience. Regardless it’ll catch up to them one way or another. The op doesn’t have to engage with them at all apart from being civil maybe. I would keep it all civil abs grey rock around them and so not causing conflict with kids around. I would also reach out to the wife of the bil as she might well need some support. The parents just sound fickle and this is the son they have produced so maybe their attitude isn’t hugely surprising!

No, I’d tell my son he was an asshole and a bastard. And I’d be disgusted by his behaviour. I would support the mother of my grandchildren the best I could.

Like a sane person, I love my children more than anything, so I might hate what they do but still love them and have a relationship with them.

That’s the limit to my list of people I love more than anything - my kids (presumably also grandchildren but I don’t have any)

A brother, a brother in law, a cousin, a person down the road - nah, fuck that shit.

Other people’s marriages are none of anyone else’s business. You don’t have to like them and you don’t have to pretend you like them either.

Keep your nose out, mouth shut, smile and when you have to speak to them- talk about the weather and other mundane crap.

I am a firm believer of karma. They will both get what is due eventually.