Can’t get onboard with new SIL she was the OW

[Boilinghotlady]

BIL was sleeping with the lady from work and split up his long term marriage. She knew he was married and had young children she continued to sleep with him. She was also in a long term relationship but no kids.

Shes now been introduced to us me and DH not a huge fan. We loved ex SIL so still trying to come to terms with it. MIL and FIL seems to like her and have forgotten all about the ex.

I have now heard through the grapevine that she is now pregnant. I have just naturally distanced myself from the whole family because it all seems very fake and full on.

AIBU? I don’t want to seem unwelcoming and bitter but it feels so messed up.

The impact on children comes from parents separating regardless of whether it was an affair that caused it. And if we take that to its logical conclusion the only way to avoid it is to stay in unhappy marriages forever. If the cheats family decide to make a strong show of disapproval and distance themselves, this simply makes things worse for the children who will see less of their paternal extended family. More upheaval and confusion. If wider family are thinking of the children the best thing they can do is to avoid indulging in their own moral outrage, keep drama to a minimum and retain as much sense of normality in the family as they can. No children ever benefitted from in fighting amongst the adults in their lives and a desire to punish cheats shouldn't put them in that situation.

tbh I think it is more shocking that you all dumped the SIL you "loved" like a hot potato, the mother of your families nieces/nephews/grandchildren.

My brother split from my ex-DSIL nearly 30 years ago. DNiece was 2yo.

His story was he didn't want the family/mortgage/responsibility/wanted to have fun. 6 weeks later he introduced new gf (and her 4 kids, the youngest just a baby) 🙈

We were civil to my brother and his new gf (that relationship lasted about 5 years). He lives in another country in the UK, we know he still has contact with her and her dc, and for various reasons even suspect her youngest is his but he'd never admit it.

We supported ex-DSIL and DNiece who came back to the local area. I did lots of short breaks, days out with them when DNiece and ds were younger, I had DNiece to stay over a couple of weekends a month. I still see/speak to DSIL (with or without DNiece) a couple of times a month and as the mother of my niece still consider her family.

Mum and Dad pretty much sided with DSIL too during the split, they obviously love their son unconditionally, but it doesn't mean they agree with everything he does.

There's not a finite amount of blame and the op has been clear she thinks badly if both of them. There have been dozens of threads on this topic and it's clear opinion is divided but the idea that happy people don't cheat or that the cheated on partner is somehow to be viewed with suspicion that there "must have been" underlying issues is offensive. I've been both..I was v happy in my first marriage, genuinely, but I met someone at work and had a ridiculous crush which I foolishly acted on. My then H was entirely blameless and was devastated.

@5128gap that’s exactly what I said re conflict. The op doesn’t have to be welcoming , I would just v civil and not engage very much . Keep a distance .

My point is that if you were truly happy, you would not have gone from a crush to having an affair, did anyone blame the crush for your cheating? The person cheated on could be really happy in their relationship I would never have any suspicion that there was any wrong doing on their part, Its all down to the person that cheated. I would hate to be in a relationship where I was living a lie.

I love my husband and have had a crush on someone the difference is that I have never acted on it.

If my husband was to have an affair, he would be at fault and all blame would be on him. Not his affair partner, he can control his actions and not others.

I also hate to see the misogyny for the OW she is a tart etc, woman blame other woman and not the men that they are married to, the she knew, she seduced him, she gave him the come on.....

difficult times are difficult for everyone in the family. I guess you have families that stick together through difficult times and families who judge each other and fall out

The brother in law won’t be guilt free for sure. Nobody knows what actually goes on in other peoples relationships and the real reasons for separation

I just wonder how practical that is though. New SiL is about to bring another nephew/neice/cousin into the family. It will be very difficult to build a relationship with this new and completely innocent family member while demonstrating disapproval of the parents. I honestly think there's a time and place for adults indulging in this type of moral outrage, and where children are involved, isn't it.
OP doesn't need to go out of her way to invite them for dinner or go shopping with new SiL at the weekend, but I don't see how it would be remotely possible to respond to the woman's conversation and attempts to engage (assuming she makes them) with 'grey rock' without causing a bad atmosphere that will impact the children.

You're not distancing yourself because you're on #TeamSIL as you haven't supported her through this awful time. So you're just taking a moral stand - and seemingly against new SIL rather than the person who did the real betrayal, BIL. Which all feels pretty judgemental. Families change, shit happens, get over it. The kids need you, support them, be an adult and learn to live with BIL's mistakes.

You never know what goes on behind close doors in someone’s relationship

so whilst you don’t have to judge or approve I just make pleasantries and you don’t have to be best friends

My friend was the OW and boy was it messy. However roll forward the years and she's part of the family, all the usual celebrations, attended step children's weddings and now Granny to her husband's grandchildren. It happens.

I think what's happening now is just a little flurry of moral outrage that in time you'll all get over. With this in mind, I'd keep any gestures to quiet avoidance rather than big stances that may be hard to get past when you decide you don't want the drama anymore.

That. There's an incredible amount of judgment and spite on this thread. So many people encouraging OP to throw away their extended family relationships for the rest of time, over something that is, basically, none of her business.

Yes, BIL behaved badly, and and new SIL fairly badly, but not as much as him. Sounds like the original SIL didn't cover herself in glory throughout the divorce either.
Of course BIL's parents haven't walked away from him, who on this thread would walk away from their child over this? They have no option but to accept the new woman in his life, especially now that she's carrying their grandchild. They are attempting to keep their family intact.

Bearing your own grudge for the rest of your life is no way to live, and it's not helping your DH either. It's his family, and he needs to be talking to them, rather than listening to you encouraging him to avoid his own brother, and the nephew or niece that is on the way.

It will be very difficult to build a relationship with this new and completely innocent family member while demonstrating disapproval of the parents

You know it’s not the law that people have to be close with cousins or nephews and nieces, right? Sending a birthday card with a tenner in it is pretty much all that’s required.

Plenty of people just have a passing acquaintance with relatives. We see one side’s cousins for maybe a couple of hours a year. No falling out, we just live far apart, have little in common, briefly overlap at Christmas visits to grandparents to swap presents.

The BIL and the OW and their child don’t have to be an integral part of OP’s family. I’d be more concerned about the nephews/nieces they already have.

Yep, basically that.

Perhaps MIL/FIL are trying to accept BIL choices, especially if they are soon to be grandparents again - doesn't mean they have 'forgotten' about their ex DIL. Nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors in a marriage. OW didn't hold a gun to his head.

MIL & FIL have forgotten all about the mother of. their grandchildren? Nice.

That could also be said about op, you haven’t text her in a year, so sounds like you have forgotten her too.

I doubt you really know what you’re in laws think and feel.

Bad divorce or not I really couldn't imagine abandoning my SIL and her children after they have been so brutally thrown aside.

What a family!

You don't know what's gone on in either relationship tbh, nobody does except those involved. You can waste your efforts judging him/her on what you think they've done, or just get on with your life and be civil when you need to be. Or, if you or DH are really not arsed about maintaining contact with his brother then just move on and don't give them a second thought

If you really cared for ex SIL then you can try to rebuild that relationship with her

All you'll achieve by being hostile/not engaging with BIL's new partner is a breakdown in your relationship with him and a lack of relationship for you (and your children, if you have any) with their new baby. Where is the value??

You've already severed ties with his ex-wife anyway.

At the end of the day, BIL could be together with his new partner for the rest of his life. Yes, the first year might be a rocky intro for yourself and the rest of your family, but ultimately it will fade and become the norm.

Does DH want a relationship with his new niece or nephew?

@Boilinghotlady The SIL will see you've not contacted her and will fully believe that you've sided with her cheating ex!

No one really knows what goes on in private within a relationship. Should people stay in an unhappy relationship to suit people who aren't in that relationship? I can't see the point. They've all moved on, you are the one stuck in a rut.

To be honest when I got divorced I had no interest in his family contacting me. If we happen to bump into each other (very rare) we are polite but that's it. Life moves on. They stayed in touch with their GC which was appropriate.

Don't then, OP. Stand your moral high ground and steer clear of them.

I'm sure that will work well long term but, as long as you're in the right then what does that matter? What does it really have to do with you and how does it affect your life?

I hope you're maintaining the relationship with your ex-sister in law at least?

@TheSpoonyNavyReader you'll have to take my word for it that I WAS happy. I'm sorry if that contradicts your theory but it's true. Maybe you're a better or stronger person than me but I gave into a very intense physical crush. I also think my second husband and I were happy albeit in the trenches of early parenthood when he met his "soulmate" and left me with two toddlers. It's simply not that simple. And whilst he was of course totally to blame for his actions, I'm not going to say she has no moral guilt. She knew me and my kids. She sent him videos and leaned on him for emotional support as a poor abandoned single mum. I don't understand this idea that you can only find fault with the married person. In church weddings there's a bit where the congregation is asked to support and be friends of the marriage. I don't think that is limited to the people present, I think it's an acknowledgement that we have a moral duty to not act like dicks towards other people, strangers or not and that would include knowingly entering a relationship with a married person.

Staying together isn't always great. I've had two adults, not from the same family, tell me they longed for their parents to split up. They weren't abused directly but the unhappy home was a misery to them.

I don't think people should judge, a couple splitting up might be the best thing for everyone or it might be a disaster. We can't know.