Can’t get onboard with new SIL she was the OW

[Boilinghotlady]

BIL was sleeping with the lady from work and split up his long term marriage. She knew he was married and had young children she continued to sleep with him. She was also in a long term relationship but no kids.

Shes now been introduced to us me and DH not a huge fan. We loved ex SIL so still trying to come to terms with it. MIL and FIL seems to like her and have forgotten all about the ex.

I have now heard through the grapevine that she is now pregnant. I have just naturally distanced myself from the whole family because it all seems very fake and full on.

AIBU? I don’t want to seem unwelcoming and bitter but it feels so messed up.

MIL and FIL seems to like her and have forgotten all about the ex

And also

I haven't spoke to SIL in a good year as the divorce was messy

So your PIL aren't the only ones who have forgotten all about the ex.

Well if you loved her I think you should be in touch! Your kids are cousins so I don’t see why that causes drama.

I am a wee bit shocked that you aren’t - a divorce doesn’t need to break up all family ties, and a year is a long time to let things settle.,

As for the new set up - politeness at family events is all that’s needed, perhaps you’ll get to like her and perhaps you won’t but no need to force it.

I'm not suggesting you should 'keep' texting her but to say you 'loved her' and then say you haven't bothered with her for a year, makes no sense.

There's a massive area between 'keep texting' and not bothering at all.

You’ve got no relationship left with ex SIL so you may as well be at least civil to the new one. Her child will be as related to your DH and any DC you have or may have.

PIL know BIL’s still their son and he’s having another child so it seems clear why they’re acting as they are, not least if BIL and ex both did questionable things during the divorce as you suggest. Things move on. Take DH’s lead I guess.

If you don't like her and don't approve of her behaviour have nothing to do either her. And don't go to events where she is. People shouldn't be facilitated in this kind of behaviour.

I think it's sad you haven't felt able to maintain a friendship with your SiL. I would, at least, make sure that she could contact me if she wanted. Do you still see your nieces/nephews sometimes?

My DSis had an affair and then split with her DH. He was devastated. I saw him 8 years later, he was good. I did apologise for not getting in touch, he understood why, but I still feel bad about it.

Pls reach out to your ex SIL. Keep in touch with your DNs.

There was obvs issues in the relationship for your BIL and that's nothing to do with you, but don't hang her and the kids out to dry.

Be civil but keep your distance.

You know now how your PIL would act if your husband had an affair and replaced you.

The latest one is not a SIL she is just the tart.

SIL may not want to be in contact.

We had similar when BIL had an affair and OW got pregnant. I still miss SIL and we tried to keep in touch but it was too hard for her. She said it caused her too much upset.

And agreeing with posters who say about how easily removed from the family - MIL and FIL totally did a complete U-turn. It was horrid to observe.

My SIL had a happy ending, met a man who valued her, she married him and has a lovely family.

BIL didn't have such a happy ending. Sometimes karma is good.

Well what messed up things did she do?

If you don't like them it's fine and obviously what they did wasn't great but you never really know what a marriage is like and adultery is awful but I've known people who have done messed up things who are still good people. I know I wouldn't like to be judged by my worse mistakes

It meant a great deal to me when my ex did the same and his family kept in touch, against his wishes. I am closer to them now than he is in some respects. Also, not to sidetrack but a couple of pp have trotted out the line that the affair shows the relationship had problems and they are therefore both to blame for the split. That is bollocks. Assuming the OP has the straight of it, he had an affair. He chose to. The wife may have been a screaming banshee, but no-one made him cheat. He should have sought help or left. And knowing he was a married father and going ahead anyway also does not speak well to the ow either.

I thought that too. He was no innocent either.

There are natural consequences to being selfish arseholes, one of them being that people might not want to know you.

Fair play to you and DH for not faking it, OP.

You do know your BIL was also in wrong.. if he gets more chances doesn't she get one?

that's because you have kids, she doesn't so it's meaningless to her.

It’s sad when things like this happen OP. These are your boundaries, stick to them.

My mum was the ex-wife in this scenario, and my old aunt and uncle have told me as an adult that they really wish they'd stayed in better touch with my mum, who they'd considered a close friend at the time. My dad's then-new partner, the OW, didn't want his side of the family to stay in touch with me because I was my mum's daughter, and my dad will do anything for an easy life so I lost touch with cousins, aunts, uncles. Dad's partner also regularly starts drama with my dad's siblings, apparently. I think a lot of his family feel they tied their cart to the wrong horse.

I would not have either of them in my house.

Pretty much exact thing happened with DPs brother. I've still never met the new gf after years and have no desire to, nor have I said much to the brother when I've seen him, so I know where you're coming from.

No she doesn't. She has no obligation to treat this woman any way at all.

The BiL is her husbands brother, she has a history with him, and we often are more forgiving towards people we know and loved. She doesn't have to treat them the same at all, and I'd say the same if the sexes were reversed.

OP I know I’d feel the same way as you. It all sounds very fucked up but I can understand your parents not wanting to lose their son and new grandchild.

i think all you can do is let time pass and hopefully wounds will heal somewhat. The exSIL will no doubt assume you have an ongoing relationship with your brother and his new wife which might be why she’s keeping some distance. Are you seeing your nieces/nephews?

Your parents in law might feel the same as you but be faking it because they are worried they won't be able to see the grandkids and their son if they're not welcoming.

“She knew he was married and had young children she continued to sleep with him”

I mean….so did he presumably.

Wow, this sort of attitude is very illuminating. Do you really know what went on in their relationship? My sister’s ex was very aggressive and controlling, on the outside he was a jolly charming man. He used to track her phone, say he was using condoms and didn’t, did everything he could to get in with her group of friends. She met someone, managed to escape (they are married now with two children), but he kept all her friends as she was too scared to say any of the stuff he did as she thought she wouldn’t be believed. He got all the sympathy, she was so relieved to escape she didn’t want to cause any drama. He had a ‘revelation’ after and said he’d been very depressed (just at the time my sister had rekindled her old friendships), and was getting help - she still never told anyone what he did, she thought it would hamper his ‘recovery’.