Can’t get onboard with new SIL she was the OW

[Boilinghotlady]

BIL was sleeping with the lady from work and split up his long term marriage. She knew he was married and had young children she continued to sleep with him. She was also in a long term relationship but no kids.

Shes now been introduced to us me and DH not a huge fan. We loved ex SIL so still trying to come to terms with it. MIL and FIL seems to like her and have forgotten all about the ex.

I have now heard through the grapevine that she is now pregnant. I have just naturally distanced myself from the whole family because it all seems very fake and full on.

AIBU? I don’t want to seem unwelcoming and bitter but it feels so messed up.

As someone who has had way too many SIL under the same circumstances. polite but distant is the way to go. She has already shown she isn’t someone you are going to like so keep the distance or you will get pulled into the drama.

Agree with this

Just be nice to the woman. You don't have to really like her but life is short and not worth bitterness. Who knows, in time you may grow to like her.

You'd disown your own son and by extension your grandkids because he left his wife? I simply don't believe this. Life is messy, none of us are perfect. I've never heard of anyone being cut off by their own parents for starting a new relationship. It's just weird.

Vile misogyny. It's 2024, not 1950.

Personally I would not want to develop a relationship with someone with such low moral standards or have them too close to my DC
BIL equally to blame of course
For me polite but distant all the way

You can be polite but distant.

It's interesting isn't it, that adults can choose the level of involvement with "family" members like this new SiL - but your BiL's children can't choose this - they're going to be expected to "love" their stepmother ...

MIL and FIL seems to like her and have forgotten all about the ex

I haven't spoke to SIL in a good year as the divorce was messy

It sounds like you and your ILs are well matched.

I will be polite to everyone and what a couple does in their relationship is none of my business family or not

Dont know why you’re blaming new woman for BILs affair. BIL was the one having an affair while in a committed relationship, this was 100% his choice to see someone else.

Personally I’d build a steady relationship with new girlfriend and the baby. You don’t have to chose between the new women and the ex, you can have a good relationship with both. It’s BIL I’d feel cautious about,

What a bitchy thing to say. You have no idea of the circumstances of the break upp of the first marriage (nor does the OP, really)

My marriage broke down because ex husband had an affair with a work colleague, completely blindsided me, never seen it coming. I was in the family for over 30 years.

It is very very hard to see the OW (now partner) integrate into the family as you do feel replaced. My ex MIL even said what her son did to me was mental cruelty. Now they all play happy families. It was another betrayal.

My youngest started self harming when we split up but in laws were no support to me with this, neither was my ex to be honest he left me to deal with it all.

kids no longer have anything to do with their dad (their choice), and it hurts them when they see things on social media with ex and OW and family have commented lovely things about them.

I would have loved to have had just one member of my ex in-laws to have been “on my side” so to speak.

Whar excellent truisms. Love the latter particularly; we should all bear that in mind in many aspects of their lives

Is there something in the water today? Again, a poster who knows nothing of the relationship yet has an opinion on morals

Is the OW actually a Sil or a girlfriend?

OW has entered the chat

BIL cheated on his wife with the OW. Yes the OW might have been fed lies that BIL was single etc, but now the OW has entered the family, unless BIL has some elaborate cover up where he’s asked everyone to not tell SIL she was the other woman, she would by now know she was the OW.

However this is unlikely, most likely scenario is that OW knew all along she was the affair partner.

Doesn’t matter what is going on in a marriage, you don’t cheat. You want to get a new partner you get a divorce first. And people with sound morals aren’t knowing affair partners.

OP, you are in full rights not to like this woman because her actions, same as your BIL and, for the sounds of it, your PIL.
Do you ever see your nephews/ nieces?
It is a great shame, but what they decided to do, their mess.
Not a surprise that the divorce was messy, surely she found out he was cheating and thatt is not a good start for a divorce.

This in spades. You can't just blame new SIL, BIL was also complicit in the affair. As long as he is disliked just as much then crack on.

What messed up things did your SIL do? The one you love but don’t speak to now?

Exactly.

Of course his parents are going to want to keep a relationship with their son and their grandchildren

I’m sure his parents have mixed feelings about the situation too but they are older, and wiser, and they want the best for their son and his new family

Come on, neither of them come out in a good light and Op had said sue judges the BIL and his new partner

I disagree, OP and her husband have no obligation to accept the new woman

YABU. Grow up and stop trying to be the moral arbiter here. Marriages fail - a third of them - and it’s not like they’re all nice and rosy until some nasty person comes along and tempts the otherwise innocent man.

If they had ‘just’ split up would you view it differently?

your FIL and MIL are the ones doing the right thing. They have a son still, who is by no means perfect, but they choose to maintain a relationship with him over a lifetime of censure. They need to have a good relationship with him for the sake of their grandchildren and for themselves. You need to have a good relationship with him for the sake of your nieces and nephews.

And let’s face it that’s the final bit here, isn’t it? That you have children, he has children and one of those children may screw up at some point in their lives. Drugs, affairs, crime. Will they know that family is a safe haven for them? Non-judgemental and tolerant? Or will they stick with some lesser than situation for a lifetime, leaving them at risk of mental health issues, etc to try and avoid the censure and disapproval of bitter Auntie Judgey who has always hated their father / uncle (insert other lesser than person)

I do understand your in laws wanting to keep contact with their grandchildren. If the divorce was as messy as you say it's doubtful that they will see them on their mother's time so it has to be through their son.