Can’t get onboard with new SIL she was the OW

[Boilinghotlady]

BIL was sleeping with the lady from work and split up his long term marriage. She knew he was married and had young children she continued to sleep with him. She was also in a long term relationship but no kids.

Shes now been introduced to us me and DH not a huge fan. We loved ex SIL so still trying to come to terms with it. MIL and FIL seems to like her and have forgotten all about the ex.

I have now heard through the grapevine that she is now pregnant. I have just naturally distanced myself from the whole family because it all seems very fake and full on.

AIBU? I don’t want to seem unwelcoming and bitter but it feels so messed up.

He was the one who broke his marriage vows, not the new woman. I don't blame you for distancing yourself, but as far as your pil are concerned they have to forgive their son and accept whoever he has chosen, he is the one who will facilitate the relationship with their grandchildren. Its a mess for everyone.

I could understand your stance if you'd maintained a relationship with the Sil, but you seem to have also abandoned her. That's pretty shitty. Do your kids still see their cousins?. Anyway what's done is done. You don't have to be best friends with the new partner, but if she's going to be part of your extended family, I would make an effort to be civil.

Take a good hard look at your in laws because how they have behaved towards your ex SIL is EXACTLY how they would treat you.
Stepping away is exactly what my friend did in the same situation, she never regretted it.

I would reach out to your ex SIL, it's the decent thing to do, not least for the cousin relationship.
Those poor children.

I certainly wouldn't want to be near BIL and his dirty little secret, even if they are now having a child.

Happy people don't have affairs.

You're on the Welcome Committee, not the Selection Committee, when it comes to other people's partners

I wouldn’t spend time in their company tbh and I’d drop the rope completely with the inlaws, this has shown exactly how you would be treated in a similar situation. No point for anything beyond a surface level relationship with any of them. And leave ALL ‘wife work’ in relationship with your inlaws to your DH.

Grim family @Boilinghotlady

@Boilinghotlady I'm pretty sure that in life you can choose to be friends with whomever you please. It's a perk of being an adult. You don't have to compromise to suit your husband's family.

If your DH loves his brother and has an otherwise good relationship with him, my guess is, that as time passes how he and new SiL got together will gradually become less important. The brothers will drift back to their old ways of going on, and none if it will matter very much. This tends to be the way, and especially so if none of you even bothered to keep in touch with his first wife because...drama. She can't realistically have mattered that much to any of you.
So I think what's happening now is just a little flurry of moral outrage that in time you'll all get over. With this in mind, I'd keep any gestures to quiet avoidance rather than big stances that may be hard to get past when you decide you don't want the drama anymore.

This reminds me of my husbands cousin. Very small family so they were like brothers. His cousin was gold plated and better than everyone else. He divorced his wife and mother of his then 5 year old. The wife was literally discarded like a rag under the narrative she was crazy. 12 months later he remarried and the new wife, made a speech.

Fucking.Hell.

She said that the last 10 years had been the best of her life.

I never spoke to either of them again. Bastards.

I wouldn’t want to know her either. Keep a polite distance.

It takes a certain type of woman to go there when there are children involved and they are the lowest of the low.

Well she has created a vacancy at least!

She knew he was married and had young children she continued to sleep with him

HE knew HE was married & had young children and HE continued to sleep with her

I agree that it’s very difficult to judge from the outside. When my sister ended a long term relationship with someone we all loved, we took it out on her new partner. It took a long time before we found out what had been going on in her previous relationship and what had let to what happened. And we felt awful. It was a real lesson to me about taking a hard line on situations like this.

OP has zero obligation to welcome in tarts with gutter morals. If BIL was unhappy, get a divorce, don’t disrespect the mother of your children. And the OW, if she was hoodwinked into an affair with lies, as soon as she found out she was the OW she should have left him. The pair of them deserve each other and as they say when the mistress marries the husband, she opens up a vacancy for the next tart. Hope karma gets them both.

You won't need to talk to her as if you have any morals you'll be no contact with BIL.

Or is it because she's a woman your bothered? It seems so!

Just be polite and no more
Both have behaved despicably

I'd try to get on with her life's too short

Well as unsavoury as you find all this it's none of your business. You don't get any say. It's not up to you who other people love.
Give them the cold shoulder if you want but they'll ignore you and carry on loving one another.
I'm not sure what it will achieve.

I'd be the same. When the time is right speak to the ex and ask if she wants to get all the cousins together. All you have to do is be civil to the new woman, you don't have to like her.

I hear where you are coming from OP; you seem a very genuine and loyal person. I hope you are still in contact with your ex SIL and kids. Yes, distance yourself from current situation; you need to take care of yourself. A rollercoaster of emotions

Let’s leave your “moral high ground” aside for a moment.
You don’t have to talk to them.
Nobody is forcing you to involve yourself in any aspect of their lives whatsoever.
Hell, you can hate their guts if you want, (even though they did nothing personal to you).
That’s completely and totally your choice.
What I’m trying to understand is how somebody else’s private life is any of your business at all.
Mother, father, sister, brother, aunt, uncle, cousin, friend — over 21 and adult and we’re all permitted to make our own choices regardless of whether somebody else likes it or not.
You, me, Mum, Grandad - it’s none of our never mind. It’s our tough darts if we don’t like it.
Perhaps they’re happy you’ve decided to freeze them out. Maybe they’re downright thrilled.
It certainly isn’t out of the realm of possibilities.

You, no doubt, think you’re punishing them.
They, no doubt, are relieved.
One coin - two sides.

When someone cheats, they don’t just betray their partner, they betray their children and it has wider implications on anyone who cares for those children.
I’m not surprised by your feelings. They’re totally justified

harsh but do agree in the circumstances, I couldn't just smile either and play happy families, just can't get over the disrespect for the mother of his kids and the other woman knowing he has a wife and kids

This. Blame bil but how often has the married man spin the ow a tale about dead bedroom, staying for the kids etc, all with the wife carrying on with her life thinking she has a happy marriage.

I've seen half a dozen threads from the ow in similar circumstances on mn at least.

You need to think long term.
Does your DH want a relationship with his DB?
Yes?
In which case you need to find a way where you can tolerate both of them.
You don't have to approve of them but it sounds like she is here to stay and she will remember how she was welcomed (or not) into the family.

I'd not be so judgemental you have no idea what was going on in the relationship