Can’t get onboard with new SIL she was the OW

[Boilinghotlady]

BIL was sleeping with the lady from work and split up his long term marriage. She knew he was married and had young children she continued to sleep with him. She was also in a long term relationship but no kids.

Shes now been introduced to us me and DH not a huge fan. We loved ex SIL so still trying to come to terms with it. MIL and FIL seems to like her and have forgotten all about the ex.

I have now heard through the grapevine that she is now pregnant. I have just naturally distanced myself from the whole family because it all seems very fake and full on.

AIBU? I don’t want to seem unwelcoming and bitter but it feels so messed up.

You don't have to bother with people you don't like, family or not. just be civil, you owe nothing more.

keep up your friendship with ex SIL. It will be good for both your kids.

Very naive.

Well we definitely know that the cheating BIL was balls deep in a tart! If there were issues in the marriage, that’s what a divorce is for, not cheating.

This was in reply to @Sweetteaplease , can’t edit after the fact.

I would be the same as you op, I don't think I can stomach this relationship and would distance myself. I don't think I can trust anyone who betrays their wife and children and for a woman that betrays her long term partner as well as becoming a key player in ruining someone else's life particularly with children involved. I wouldn't trust your in-laws as well on how quickly they've discarded their ex dil!

For me personally, actions should have consequences and you can't just waltz around as if nothing has happened. Shame your in-laws haven't followed through. I have a son and I would be ashamed and disgusted if he left the mother of my gc by cheating and left his kids for some ow, I wouldn't want anything to do with my own son if he did something like that. It's shameful, disrespectful and undignified.

BIL was sleeping with the lady from work and split up his long term marriage. BIL knew he was married and had young children he continued to sleep with her.

Their circus their monkeys but why is she the baddie when you dont seem to blame him at all.

Shes gping to be in your family and so is their child

Suck it up.

You don't have to be friends but I think you need to accept your BIL's choices and be polite and civil when you cross her path.

Ultimately it's up to him who he's with and your DH is still his family.

BIL is a tomcat with no morals, new partner isn’t much better, but at least she wasn’t a parent betraying the children and spouse.

I’d have no time for either of them, and I’d get in touch with the former SIL (and mum
of nephew/nieces) to see how she’s doing.

The poor woman lost her extended family through no fault of her own.

That is a shame about your relationship with original SIL. I would reach out to her if I were you. I absolutely love DH’s brother’s ex-wife and have a much better relationship with her than DH has with his brother. BIL hates it! I DGAF though!

"the lowest of the low"? What, worse than paedophiles, rapists, genocidal demagogues?

Honestly, some of the views (and the vile language on this thread used to express hatred of women for their sexual choices by some) are extraordinary - I get that you all strongly disapprove of adultery on this site, but some perspective as to how it compares to other moral choices might be helpful.

OP, you say you "loved" your sister in law and now you don't speak to her at all. Not very nice - I imagine she feels pretty terrible about this.

BIL's new partner is pregnant with a child who will be your nephew or niece I believe? Clearly that child would benefit from itself and it's mother being kindly and respectfully welcomed into the family by all. But if your feelings about adultery are just so overwhelming you can't do that, then I suppose you can't. Shame for the child though really.

Given how commonplace adultery is, I am staggered that most of you find many people you can still talk to. If I cut people off because they had committed it, I wouldn't speak to my own parents, nor my daughter's dad, nor the at least half of my closeest friends......

But of course, ultimately it is your choice. And you have certainly come somewhere here well you will find confirmation of your judgement.

You're absolutely within your right to distance yourself, but be prepared for how this may affect your relationship with your husband.

If he's close to his brother, there's every likelihood he'll move past this and you'll be the only one indignant. You may find the new woman is in with everyone and you're left in the cold, trying to remind them that you're standing with an ex-SIL you don't even speak to.

There's a baby on the way now.

Sad. But as a family you will have to deal with it.

He/She did not ask for this.

Meaning the baby...

Completely relate. He had a toddler and a newborn when he left. I tried to keep in touch with exSIL but she was too hurt and could only accept contact if we completely cut off from him which would have meant our kids having no contact with their cousins from the new relationship.

Only bright side is that SIL isn’t quite as easy going as she initially pretended to be and if he was capable of introspection I’m sure he would have many regrets. Not to mention he’ll still be supporting kids until he’s nearly 70. LOL.

I think you shouldn't be so judgemental, you have no idea what has been going on in other people's relationship

Maybe they just fell in love? Are they supposed to be punished forever…? When is enough is enough? He should have ended his marriage before starting something else. He’s wrong for that, 100% and I can understand his ex never ever wanting to speak to him but I can understand why his parents are making an effort. If my son did this I’d be upset with him but I wouldn’t cut him off or be upset about it forever. Life is messy and unfair.

Why do you feel you can judge?

Sod that. I wouldn’t be civil even.

Sorry but I think it’s really awful you haven’t even texted ex SIL in over a year. Imagine how pushed out and disgusted she feels. You say you loved her and she is the mother of your nieces/nephews and mother of your children’s cousin’s.
Really poor that you haven’t contacted her and even given any message of support tbh. This isn’t about you.

💯

Why do you feel you can judge?

Because the BIL was whoring around with some woman at work when he had young children at home? Because OP’s kids’ cousins had their family torn apart and a bitter divorce as a result of their actions?

@Turophilic

oh come on, this happens. I’d support my child if he made a decision like that. I bet most women on here would even if they won’t admit it. I don’t judge people even if I don’t agree.

I’d support my son, because he is my son. I’d give him shit to start with, but my love for my son is enough to move past that. Or indeed pretty much anything.

I would struggle to support my brother for doing so.

By the time we get to a relationship as remote as BIL, nah, the cheating bastard could get to fuck. I would feel more solidarity for my SIL than the shitheel
that cheated on her.

@Turophilic in the op she mentions how in laws are playing nicely. I was just saying I could understand it. I’d support my brother too. I love my brother and I wouldn’t pretend to know what goes on in his relationships, I would give him crap too, but the end of the day how long should they be punished? Its happened, it’s shit.

I also see it as the original SIL is now free to be with someone who truly loves her, not someone who cheats.

In my experience people who are happily married don’t cheat and end the marriage, so clearly more going on. I’d not judge, it’s up to them to manage their lives, I suspect you judging and distancing is no great loss to them

however there is part of me wonders if you just want the kudos from mumsnet, hence telling everyone about your holier than thou view.

Oh right so you can accept your son doing it but not your bil. Righto.