Does 'gentle parenting' work ?

[flowermo]

Let me start by saying that I am not an expert at parenting styles.

I know bits and bobs from reading articles, books, talking to other mums/ grandmas and a lot of reading on Mumsnet.

I understand there are a lot of misconceptions about gentle parenting. However let me summarise my understanding- it's about firm boundaries, but doesn't promote shouting and hitting etc and generally using fear to get your kids to behave. It encourages understanding a child's development phases and what can and cannot be expected of them at any particular stage. Helping them understand and validate feelings, negative and positive ones etc.

Another style of parenting, perhaps the authoritarian style or ' traditional ' style that was used a lot in our parents generation, is a lot more shouty. Perhaps even hitting. Children are scolded for having tantrums and punished. Parents rule with fear of shouting / hitting / scolding. Kids are often scared of their parents. I remember growing up in this kind of household, as did all of my friends really.

I would say I use something in between the two styles with my children. But more on the gentler side. I don't hit but sometimes I do shout for example. I try to understand the stage of development they're at and what I can reasonably expect from their behaviour. I try to use consequences like taking toys away or denying them treats they wanted. I don't think my kids are afraid of me. I don't think I'm a particularly good parent. Or that I'm doing things right. They misbehave and I'm often stressed out. They're still small, 2 and 4 and I'm just trying to find my way.

Anyway what I'm trying to say is. I've been speaking to some other mums of slightly older kids who are also teachers. They really think that the gentle parenting approach is hurting kids and kids are out of control more than they were in the past. More authoritarian methods work better apparently and kids should be scared of their parents and should be worried about getting in trouble ( not violence ) at home, if they mess around at school. Teachers are leaving the profession because kids are so badly behaved and parents have no control over their kids.

What do you think about this? Is gentle parenting working ? Is it true that kids are so badly behaved now ? ( doesn't every generation say that about the new generation? ).

One thing I've noticed is that if I discipline my kids in public, by slightly raising my voice, people do stare. I never see any parents doing that nowadays. It was normal to get a telling off if you messed around in public when I was a child.

I'm not trying to be divisive or judge either side of the debate. I don't know what I'm doing or whether it's right. I guess I spend most of my time thinking I should be firmer, then feeling abusive when I do shout at them. I'm also lost. I really don't want to piss anyone off. So please be kind.

I do not.
i believe the poster said they were at her parents? Forgive me if I’m wrong.
when my children at their grandparents my parents/ in laws usually ensure anything damage is out of reach - or they did. Mine are no longer at an age where that sort of accident might happen.
but at 1/2 years old it’s always best to remove breakables out of the way of young children. Now of course this is at the house of a close family member where my children can be almost as relaxed as at home. Anyone else’s house of course I would not expect the same, we would not be there for longer periods of time and I would be able to watch my children constantly.

if you had a very young children round would you place a hot drink within their reach? Of course not. It’s a balance of adults keeping eyes on children and taking precautions.

but it doesn’t matter what I say - in some way it will be wrong or neglectful or cruel or something.

my children are quite frankly brilliant. Sometimes do the wrong thing because they are CHILDREN. I work ridiculously hard to parent them the best I can. And that’s all that can asked.

we may have different ways of parenting but I know my way is the best way for my children within my family.

A hot drink absolutely as its dangerous but breakables never needed to they was taught the word no from very young they knew not to touch other peoples things they would obviously need reminding at times just like please and thankyou if you say it enough it sinks in and becomes second nature but I'm very big on manners and respect so it was always just natural to them. I would also watch them like a hawk at other people's houses as that is someone else's home and should be respected.

Wow, your children said please and thank you every single time at the age of 2 and never, ever forgot? I think we need video footage and some witnesses for these angel babies you bore. I'm guessing they were both products of a virgin birth? And for you to never, ever take your eyes off them for weeks at a time, that's just incredible. I hope you donate your eyes to medical science, then we can all stare, unblinking, for hours at a time.

I’m nearly 60 and my parents had 2 different ways of parenting. My mum would hit you with whatever came to hand first and even now says it didn’t do us any harm. My dad never raised a voice or hand but would just give us the dad look, that was enough. When I had my children over 35 years ago I decided to parent like my dad and my husband never touched my boys but would shout and threaten. Both my boys say even now they listened to me more than their dad as I would explain and they knew if I gave them the look that was it. Children need boundaries not discipline. My respect for my dad is immense but for my mum zero 🤷🏼‍♀️

Why are you so mad. Did you not teach your child to say ta from being a baby then please and thankyou as their language developed. Again very basic parenting. Manners may not be important to you but they are to me so something I instilled in my children

So what did the 'dad look' mean? There must have been a reason for you to take notice of it and behave..?

Both my boys say even now they listened to me more than their dad as I would explain and they knew if I gave them the look that was it. What was it? What would follow?

Oh, clearly I am a terrible teacher, because despite teaching my child sometimes she still occasionally forgets things, even now, at 4. Forget the eyes, I think your services are best needed in education. Just think, rows of children with perfect manners getting 100% on every test, with your tried and tested method of teaching children to never, ever forget things or make mistakes, even from aged 2. Truly very impressive. I'm in awe.

You still haven't answered why your so angry. You've insulted me repeatedly for several messages iv stayed calmed and been polite to you. But you seem to have struggles with controlling your anger. There are people who can help with these things if this is something you struggle with in life as I would hate to think you lose your temper this quick with your children. Maybe it's something you need to look into for their sake

What an earth do you mean, angry? I have said nothing but how very impressed I am with your perfect parenting and perfect children. You have indeed been very polite, telling me calmly how my child is entitled, I have no respect for other people's homes and I don't value manners, all based on the fact that my child broke one item 2 years ago, and I have very much appreciated all the valuable feedback and advice on how I too could be flawless like you, so I'm devastated to hear that you feel insulted. I can only dream of reaching your standards of parenting and I'm going to make sure my child knows how very lucky she is to be breathing the same air as your angelic offspring.

I don't understand the eye roll... you have said that it's normal for a 5yo to hit. I've said I don't think it's normal. It's literally a difference in expectations, that's not a judgemental statement? Just a statement of fact.

I absolutely did not call your child entitled or said anything about your child so I would appreciate if you didn't say sarcastic comments about mine. If you want to repeatedly say passive aggressive comments about my parenting to make yourself feel better that is fine but do not speak about my children as that is crossing a line. I think you need help as your reactions are not normal.

I believe some of us are getting a little irritated on the thread - we have joined in a conversation on whether gentle parenting works and we’re enjoying sharing our opinions and experiences and hearing others.

however in the later stages of the conversation some people have got personal with suggesting that people’s parenting is wishy washy, their expectations aren’t high enough, they don’t watch their child every second of the day, that they have anger issues.

none us are perfect parents but we are all trying our best - the eye roll is an expression of irritation that I’m allowed to feel when my parenting is being criticised.

repeatedly I have asked for your suggestions but received none. I am now bowing out of the conversation as I refuse to waste any more of my time trying to have a discussion about gentle parenting when i am receiving criticism that wasn’t asked for nor deserved and get no helpful feedback despite asking for it.

my wishy washy, low expectations have raised me two wonderful children. I have witnessed some truly horrific parenting and I know that mine, whilst not perfect, is the best that I can do.

Grow up, I didn't say anything about your children.

If you come on Mumsnet going on about how you never once took your eyes of your child in someone else's house, taught them never to touch someone else's belongings from being a newborn baby, never needed any baby-proofing because you were just so diligent and trained them so gosh-darn well, and they had perfect manners from the moment they could speak, people are going to take the piss because it's obviously bollocks. Whether you're a liar or just really old and have forgotten that your kids were not the perfect angels you remember, I don't know or care.

I'm not in the least bit angry, I couldn't care less about your fantasies of perfect motherhood.

My daughter is polite, well-behaved, confident and happy and I've never needed to shout at her. She once broke a gravy boat 2 years ago, I think everyone is well and truly over it, but I'd prefer to put expensive china on a high shelf rather than shout at a 2 yo about it.

My take away is that I feel pretty crap now at all these parents who are always cool as a cucumber and never show their child that they're angry.

I feel like I can't win. If I'm too permissive or 'gentle' dare I say, I will raise absolute brats who don't respect anyone. If I show my kids I'm angry sometimes and tell them to just cut the crap, once in a while - I'm also doing it wrong, because I need to look at my own feelings of why I'm pissed off that my child has just smashed my favourite makeup powder on the floor after she snatched it out of my hands and ran off with it. I'm supposed to not shout or have a go at her and listen to her feelings as to why she felt the need to snatch it out of my hands and run off with it, when I asked her not to. But wait, it's my fault she even thought to do it in the first place - because I was too permissive at some point when in the past when I let her just go to the car without her shoes on ( when it wasn't wet outside ), because she didn't want to put them on.

Basically I can't win. Everything my kids do is because of me and not because of their temperament and everything perfect polite children do is because their parents are so advanced in their understanding of emotions than I am and can therefore negotiate, understand and keep calm in every situation.

It's all bullshit. That's my conclusion. There are no perfect kids and there are no perfect parents who never get it wrong. No matter how some of you want it all to seem.

You said I'm going to let my child know how lucky they are to be breathing the same air as your angelic offspring. I still stand by what I said I didn't take my eyes of my children at other people's houses when they where babies and toddlers. I never said I taught them not to touch from a newborn you made that up. I never said I didn't need baby proofing I said I didn't move breakable things as I never needed to again something else you created in your own mind. I said I taught them from being a baby to say ta which developed to please and thankyou as their speech developed this is very normal. I am not a liar and I'm 22 about to turn 23 so definitely not old as you put it. I just taught my children manners and respect from a young age if you instill this in your children from the start it sticks. You can say no without shouting you just keep saying it and moving them away they will soon learn it's not theirs to touch it's about firm boundaries and consistency.

I have given suggestions and described my own parenting, both in quote responses and upthread. In fact I said high expectations is what I use, I didn't say yours were too low. You could argue mine are too high. But I understand if you feel we're not getting anywhere, and I won't labour the point.

Your bottom paragraph describes parenting perfectly 👌

I don't think internet parenting and real parenting are quite the same somehow!

But you are absolutely right, there's no perfect way that works all of the time and with every child.

I will admit to being a bit shouty. Some of it comes from the fact my son had hearing problems up to age five and so we all got used to that being the default tone he responded to. He's a lovely wee soul and is very compliant on the whole but he's also a boy not always blessed with self help skills and needs told!

My daughter is much more independent and headstrong but needs managing differently.

If I told my son 'okay I'm leaving the park so you'll be here alone ' when he wouldn't come he'd be at my side in seconds. His sister would wave me off and carry on playing.

There's no magic answer just everyone doing their best and I think it's important kids learn their parents are humans with feelings too and sometimes mess up.

@flowermo its the extremes of both ends that are harmful. Sure kids stop listening to parents who just shout all the time. But shouting sometimes is fine. I also agree with others that you have to parent the child you actually have. Some children are more biddable, while others are not and need very firm boundaries and a bit of shouting.

So at the grand old age of not quite 23, you think you know exactly what you're doing. Move on Emma.

You sound incredibly naive and obviously know nothing about how a toddlers brain works.

But if you taught your child never to touch something that isn't theirs then why would you need to put a hot drink out of reach?

Well if your going to bring ages into it iv been a parent longer then you

Because I'm not going to risk my child being burnt iv also taught them to wait for the green man doesn't mean I'm not going to hold my youngest hand near a road

I'm naive because I don't let them run free in other people's houses and actually watch them. Or I'm naive because I don't expect others to baby proof their own homes for my child