Does 'gentle parenting' work ?

[flowermo]

Let me start by saying that I am not an expert at parenting styles.

I know bits and bobs from reading articles, books, talking to other mums/ grandmas and a lot of reading on Mumsnet.

I understand there are a lot of misconceptions about gentle parenting. However let me summarise my understanding- it's about firm boundaries, but doesn't promote shouting and hitting etc and generally using fear to get your kids to behave. It encourages understanding a child's development phases and what can and cannot be expected of them at any particular stage. Helping them understand and validate feelings, negative and positive ones etc.

Another style of parenting, perhaps the authoritarian style or ' traditional ' style that was used a lot in our parents generation, is a lot more shouty. Perhaps even hitting. Children are scolded for having tantrums and punished. Parents rule with fear of shouting / hitting / scolding. Kids are often scared of their parents. I remember growing up in this kind of household, as did all of my friends really.

I would say I use something in between the two styles with my children. But more on the gentler side. I don't hit but sometimes I do shout for example. I try to understand the stage of development they're at and what I can reasonably expect from their behaviour. I try to use consequences like taking toys away or denying them treats they wanted. I don't think my kids are afraid of me. I don't think I'm a particularly good parent. Or that I'm doing things right. They misbehave and I'm often stressed out. They're still small, 2 and 4 and I'm just trying to find my way.

Anyway what I'm trying to say is. I've been speaking to some other mums of slightly older kids who are also teachers. They really think that the gentle parenting approach is hurting kids and kids are out of control more than they were in the past. More authoritarian methods work better apparently and kids should be scared of their parents and should be worried about getting in trouble ( not violence ) at home, if they mess around at school. Teachers are leaving the profession because kids are so badly behaved and parents have no control over their kids.

What do you think about this? Is gentle parenting working ? Is it true that kids are so badly behaved now ? ( doesn't every generation say that about the new generation? ).

One thing I've noticed is that if I discipline my kids in public, by slightly raising my voice, people do stare. I never see any parents doing that nowadays. It was normal to get a telling off if you messed around in public when I was a child.

I'm not trying to be divisive or judge either side of the debate. I don't know what I'm doing or whether it's right. I guess I spend most of my time thinking I should be firmer, then feeling abusive when I do shout at them. I'm also lost. I really don't want to piss anyone off. So please be kind.

I suppose my style of parenting would be described as gentle , I do have boundaries but we never ever shout at dc (we don’t need to). They all have ASD though so maybe I’ve modified things due to that naturally and it’s become a version of gentle parenting

Does it work ? How old are your kids ?

I tried to parent my now grown-up kids by negotiation and reason rather than strict discipline and we do have a good relationship now, as equal adults.
I did shout more than I should have done at my older one when she was primary age and now regret that immensely. I now realise she probably has ADD, but at the time I found her lack of focus incredibly frustrating. The main trigger was getting ready to leave for school.

I never hit and didn't really even shout at my DCs (they are now adults), but I would set boundaries and consequences clearly before getting into situations.
We're a ND family though, so I don't know how it works with NT setups.
I took the approach that unless DCs know how and why something is wrong they won't learn how to stop it going wrong again.
We did a lot of talking through situations and letting DC explore ways things might have played out differently with better choices.
I was very willing to take DCs home if they misbehaved, or take them to a quieter area when they were overstimulated.
As with most things, communication was key.
As adults they are glad I gave them the skills to problem solve as it makes them more resilient than many of their peers.

If you're setting boundaries and expectations and regulating your children's behaviour then it doesn't matter how you're doing that and whether you're shouting or not.

Problem is many people use "gentle parenting" as the reason why they aren't parenting their children at all, letting them run riot, scream, "express themselves" and hit other children.

The teachers you have spoken to don't know what gentle parenting is - what they object to is permissive parenting, which is bad. Authoritarian parenting is also bad - what you want to aim for is authoritative parenting, which is firm boundaries, consequences for misbehaviour but withere.hout violence, and working with a child's developmental stages. This is what you're doing. And of course you shout sometimes - I can't imagine very many parents who don't. You have two at tricky ages and it sounds as if you are in fact managing it very well. The fact that you doubt yourself is a positive.

We do a mix of gentle parenting and attachment style parenting, both of our children are (so far!) well behaved and polite. Our son behaves well at school and during his clubs etc, our daughter does at nursery, or as much as an almost three year old can.

I personally don’t think children should be scared of their parents, I think thats an awful thing for children to feel, children should feel safe around the parents, including when they need to tell them they’ve done something completely stupid. Being a bit worried about a punishment is fine, punishments should be a deterrent and a natural consequence though, not a power trip or an emotional response because you’re stressed as a parent.

Gentle parenting works on gentle children.
Mine are feral.

No seriously though I'm not sure if parenting can be categorised like that each situation needs a different response. Running off in a dangerous place, hitting a sibling , doing something dangerous, I'm going to shout. Not. Putting your shoes on after you have been asked 15 times I will be shouting. I don't have time at 8:30am to discuss consequences or threaten to take away toys I don't hit or threaten it but I don't think that's a gentle parenting thing more a 2024 thing. My daughter has autism too.

My children aren't afraid of me but I don't believe they should be negotiated with all the time, at times I do know better for their own good.

I have been teaching 22 years this year and I can see the results of a more hands off parenting style especially in the infant classes where they cannot understand why no means no without a lengthy explanation.

it's about firm boundaries, but doesn't promote shouting and hitting etc and generally using fear to get your kids to behave. It encourages understanding a child's development phases and what can and cannot be expected of them at any particular stage. Helping them understand and validate feelings, negative and positive ones etc

I generally do this, though firm boundaries need implementing. They have to be enforced. I do state consequences that willl be enforced if needed, such as no access to screens.

Their Dad is the shouty angry authoritarian type and they run rings around him. They’ve learnt to laugh at his rage, zone him out and generally show him no respect.

They generally respect me, I can get them to do as I say even if at times I have to stand firm and show them I am not giving up and going away till it’s done. They are also not scared to tell me when something has gone wrong. They are scared to tell their Dad.

Shouty, angry parenting is lazy parenting. When I try to help their Dad to be more effective, he tells me he doesn’t have time for that. And that’s why his approach does not work. There is no short cut in parenting. You do have to take the time to stay with them and enforce rules and show you will not back down on this one. They comply quite quickly with me now as they have learnt I don’t back down.

Put the work in, get the results.

Nothing wrong with gentle parenting but what's important is clear boundaries and consequences when a boundary is crossed.

E.g. I'd you do X then Y will happen.

Without consequences there is no point to any style of parenting. Kids need firm boundaries and clear consequences.

What you describe as “gentle parenting” is just parenting, on a good day. But i think kids need effective parenting rather than gentle parenting and if your parenting style means your dc takes 20 minutes to put their shoes on when asked, or won’t share with other kids, or feels very comfortable not doing what a teacher asks then your parenting probably isn’t superb, even if you can make yourself feel good by telling yourself how gentle and patient you are.

i also have a scepticism of anyone who adopts a named parenting style and tells people about it. Because they tend to use it as an explanation of why their dc won’t be saying thank you, will share the play equipment in their own good time and are dictating where the family go on holiday.

GP is more of the long game rather than a quick fix. It’s about leading them to adulthood rather than ‘correcting’ behaviour that is age-appropriate.

I’m a secondary teacher and actually have the most trouble with the ones who have permissive parents or the ones that are scared of their parents.

I think you have perfectly described my approach. My children are adults with whom I have a great relationship and who are bringing up their own children similarly. I can’t say I never shouted, because I definitely did, and I have spoken sharply to the grandchildren too, but I’ve always tried to ensure they understand the rules and the reasoning behind the rules. It seems to work.

This is very helpful thank you for being so kind.

I think about it a lot. I don't want to mess them up!

I also think it depends on children's temperament.

Sometimes I feel like I'm getting nowhere. Even with all the conversations and explaining things, they'll still act up. Obviously I mean the older one, as the younger one doesn't really underhand long conventions about why we can't just run off..

Kids are all different. There isn't one approach that works for everyone.

Gentle Parenting does work - however, a lot of people believe that they are following gentle parenting when they are actually being permissive, and I think this understandably causes a lot of misconceptions about gentle parenting.

Gentle parenting is authoritative - it promotes firm boundaries which are consistently and immediately upheld, but in a way which is respectful of the child and which doesn’t depend on threat or fear the way hitting and shouting do.

My 3yo son had a friend over recently and they were playing with my son’s cars. My son snatched a car from his friend and said ‘that’s mine!’. I immediately intervened to remove the car from my son and return it to his friend. I said ‘we don’t snatch things from people. If you want something, you ask them if you can please have it.’ That caused my son to cry, so I soothed him until he was calm.

When he was calm, we practiced asking nicely for the car. He asked his friend for it, the friend said no. My son looked at me, I told him ‘Your friend isn’t ready to give you the car. Would you like to play with this car instead?’. My son agreed, all was fine. If that had sparked another cry, I’d have soothed and supported him through that too.

Gentle Parenting works because children love and benefit from firm boundaries, but it doesn’t rely on punishment which means your child trusts you. When confronted with a tricky situation like sharing a car, you are a problem solver working alongside them and helping them find a solution, rather than a domineering force punishing them for not getting it right. But at the same time, you’re holding a firm boundary that they aren’t allowed to snatch and it won’t get them what they want.

A lot of people believe they are gentle parenting because they acknowledge their child’s feelings and don’t shout or punish, but they also don’t hold firm boundaries. That’s hopeless and leads to anxious children who constantly resist direction because they’re testing where the boundaries actually are.

There is a difference between having strong boundaries and needing to shout and/or hit.
There is also a difference between explaining things in an age appropriate way and letting children rule the roost.

In my personal experience 'gentle parenting' in practise means a lack of boundaries and hours of 'negotiating' with children. But this may well be if it is used incorrectly.

For example- my OH would never shout at our kids but if he says something must be done, it's done. My friend who encourages gentle parenting was telling me that her child refused to go on an expensive prearranged day out, and what can they do if he refuses to get in the car. Thus spoiling the whole family day out and wasting a £100 ticket. My kids would have been told - sorry but that's what we are doing today and expected to do it.

I think I'm somewhere in between too probably on the gentle side, but I think some parents mistake gentle parenting for not setting any boundaries or disciplining at all!

My DDs are 9 & 13 and never had big issues with their behaviour, they're not perfect of course but they're lovely children and always behave well at school.

Just back from holiday in a family friendly hotel and the amount of badly behaved children we saw was unbelievable- shouting and running in the restaurant, walking right in front of people, jumping in the pool right on top of other people, playing football on the path and not bothering to stop when people walking past, all the kind of stuff that I would have said "look where you're going please" or "don't do that you just splashed that child" etc, yes babies and toddlers cry in restaurants but older toddlers are old enough for "stop that now or we leave" or at least be taken outside- not just be allowed to scream and whine for 20 minutes disturbing everyone else! Mostly the British kids unfortunately but did see some moments from other nationalities!

It's like parents feel like they need to completely indulge their children these days and never need to correct their behaviour.

I think gentle and permissive parenting are sometimes confused- sometimes even by those doing the parenting.

One of the “prime” examples is the child who won’t put on their seat belt. The permissive parent allows the plane to be delayed and the family deboarded. The gentle parent says “I hear you don’t want to, but it is obligatory. You need to close your seatbelt now.”. Gentle parenting absolutely does have boundaries and natural consequences.
Obviously you have to have those conversations before you have parented your child into Verruca Salt.

Honestly, no, I don’t think it does.

I think it depends on what you mean by ‘works’ - what’s your aim? Perfect behaviour and compliance? Never questioning authority? Not expressing emotions?

A lot of people think they’re gentle parenting, but really they’re being permissive. They don’t want to hold a boundary, they don’t want to upset their children, and so nothing is learnt. Lots and lots people don’t appreciate what a boundary is, it’s something YOU will do as a parent that requires your child to do nothing. ie I won’t let you hit your sister so I’m going to move you/move her/get between you - waiting out the inevitable frustration, and talking it through later. It’s not ‘don’t hit your sister’ ‘don’t hit your sister’ ‘I SAID DONT HIT YOUR SISTER!’ ‘If you hit her again I’m turning the TV off’ (you light decide to turn the TV off if that’s the source of the arguing).

Gentle or respectful parenting 2 and 4 year olds as you have would largely be about appropriate expectations, space for their big feelings, and positive language (feet on the floor vs don’t climb, for example). I’d suggest joining a gentle parenting group on Facebook and reading actual info about it, how to talk so little kids will listen is a good start.

Wow permissive parents would really do that ??

I do know one mum who just let her 1 year old bite her. She didn't ever stop him. I thought that was really weird. She had bite marks all the time. She was probably a permissive parent.

I agree with this. I planned to be a gentle parent but got a confident, determined child who pushes every boundary to the limit. Gentle parenting wasn't effective so I have adapted accordingly. For a gentle, sensitive child it's a perfect method.

No. It doesn't.

Teacher. Mum of 4.

Teach your kids boundaries, consequences and "No". Please.

This sounds like Dr Becky who I absolutely love and I have that book already too. I use those techniques as and when I see fit.