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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Male friend upset me for ridiculous reason

301 replies

pussinboots61 · 10/08/2024 23:27

This is very over the top but I'm very upset. A close male friend of mine, who I confide in over my anxiety, has kicked off (edited by MNHQ) over something so trivial it's unreal. But because I am an anxious person and live on my nerves it's pushing me to the limit.

It's all over a handbag, yes really. The strap had gone on my handbag and the part where it connects was fraying. I was going to buy a new bag but he said I could get it repaired so today I took it to the cobblers and got it mended.

I saw my friend earlier and all was fine. Later I messaged him to tell him my bag is sorted and he replied to say its only cost me £16 to get it mended and I was going to get a new bag. Just conversation, I thought nothing of it and said at least it's sorted now.

But then he went on about it, asked me why was I going to buy a new bag in the first place without thinking of getting it mended myself. I told him it's no longer an issue. Then he told me all I do is listen ro my stress and I'm wasting his time and not to go to him when I'm in a mess.

I couldn't believe it. I got upset and told him so and said I was going for a walk to calm down. When I got home he'd sent me a message telling me to be careful and that he'd go and look for his dummy, more or less admitting that he was in the wrong.

He's usually such a warm caring person, everyone who knows him says the same. I dont know how to handle this at all. Such a normal day and then he kicks off about a handbag and blames my anxiety. Should I just leave him to come round or tell him where to stick it but I don't want to lose him as a friend as he's not usually like this.

OP posts:
HelloMiss · 10/08/2024 23:29

How did he 'kick off'?

Barrenfieldoffucks · 10/08/2024 23:32

People have shitty days. Sounds like he has 'apologised', unless he was violent or verbally abusive I'd shrug and move on.

SkaneTos · 10/08/2024 23:33

Difficult to give advice.

Seems like a miscommunication, and maybe he had a bad day?

Is he a good friend otherwise?

"When I got home he'd sent me a message telling me to be careful and that he'd go and look for his dummy, more or less admitting that he was in the wrong."

English is not my first language, so I don't really know what it means with him "looking for his dummy" - but if you think it's him admitting he is wrong, then that is a good thing, right?

Good that your handbag got mended!

saltinesandcoffeecups · 10/08/2024 23:33

How often do you ‘confide in over my anxiety“ to him?

BananaSpanner · 10/08/2024 23:35

Wheredoistartimexhausted · 10/08/2024 23:31

Paddy is an offensive word. Don't use it.

https://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/paddy

She was clearly not talking about an Irish person though.

OP, if he’s usually a good person who is very patient with your anxiety then I would probably forgive him. It sounds like maybe supporting you can be a bit stressful, it was the straw that broke the camels back and he snapped.

AtrociousCircumstance · 10/08/2024 23:36

Sounds like he’s become overwhelmed with being your go-to person to offload on about your anxiety.

Is the friendship reciprocal? Do you support him and listen to him equally?

The bag thing is interesting because he felt that it was a situation where you were going to spend a lot of money when you didn’t have to, and he came to the rescue with an adult solution. Maybe it was the straw that broke the camel’s back - he possibly thinks he always has to take care of you and for his own reasons it irritated him on that day?

Filltheglass · 10/08/2024 23:38

Wheredoistartimexhausted · 10/08/2024 23:31

Paddy is an offensive word. Don't use it.

https://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/paddy

Not the point of this thread, but, the link didn't explain why this is offensive, so please explain.

yeesh · 10/08/2024 23:39

Why is he so invested in what you do with your own bag? It’s very normal to buy a new one if the strap break and it is none of his business. Is he often controlling over things with you?

BananaSpanner · 10/08/2024 23:40

SkaneTos · 10/08/2024 23:33

Difficult to give advice.

Seems like a miscommunication, and maybe he had a bad day?

Is he a good friend otherwise?

"When I got home he'd sent me a message telling me to be careful and that he'd go and look for his dummy, more or less admitting that he was in the wrong."

English is not my first language, so I don't really know what it means with him "looking for his dummy" - but if you think it's him admitting he is wrong, then that is a good thing, right?

Good that your handbag got mended!

If you’ve spat your dummy out, you’ve acted like an upset baby. So him saying he’s looking for his dummy means he thinks acted childishly.

BeckiWithAnI · 10/08/2024 23:40

Sounds like a classic case of the “nice guy” to me.
He’s listened to your problems hoping it means you owe him, yet here you are still not putting out.
I really don’t think this guy is your friend. He wants more.

TeenLifeMum · 10/08/2024 23:41

Filltheglass · 10/08/2024 23:38

Not the point of this thread, but, the link didn't explain why this is offensive, so please explain.

The word has 2 meanings - demonstrated by the dictionary numbering them. One is offensive and one is not. Op used it to mean the non offensive term. Stop being dramatic and ridiculous (for info, I have Irish heritage).

saltinesandcoffeecups · 10/08/2024 23:42

yeesh · 10/08/2024 23:39

Why is he so invested in what you do with your own bag? It’s very normal to buy a new one if the strap break and it is none of his business. Is he often controlling over things with you?

I’m guessing because the OP uses him to unload her anxiety to and he’s offered a solution that she’ll ignore but will come around again to him when the fix doesn’t work 🤷‍♀️

EatTheGnome · 10/08/2024 23:45

Sounds like he feels you raise a lot of your anxieties with him and then never take his advice.

Consequently he feels like your audience rather than a friend he can help so he had a straw that broke the camels back moment in exasperation with the dynamic.

SkaneTos · 10/08/2024 23:47

@BananaSpanner
Thank you for explaining the expression!

CaptainMyCaptain · 10/08/2024 23:50

BananaSpanner · 10/08/2024 23:40

If you’ve spat your dummy out, you’ve acted like an upset baby. So him saying he’s looking for his dummy means he thinks acted childishly.

To be fair, English is my first language and I didn't know what this meant at first.

Filltheglass · 10/08/2024 23:51

I still can't see the Irish connection though..

OkPedro · 10/08/2024 23:59

Filltheglass · 10/08/2024 23:51

I still can't see the Irish connection though..

Paddy? So the name Patrick.. throwing a paddy refers to a person behaving in an angry way. It was used as an insult towards Irish people. The old drunken Irish man stereotype

OkPedro · 11/08/2024 00:01

TeenLifeMum · 10/08/2024 23:41

The word has 2 meanings - demonstrated by the dictionary numbering them. One is offensive and one is not. Op used it to mean the non offensive term. Stop being dramatic and ridiculous (for info, I have Irish heritage).

I'm Irish I never knew there was an non offensive way to use "throwing a paddy"

saltinesandcoffeecups · 11/08/2024 00:01

OkPedro · 10/08/2024 23:59

Paddy? So the name Patrick.. throwing a paddy refers to a person behaving in an angry way. It was used as an insult towards Irish people. The old drunken Irish man stereotype

Don’t forget the American “Paddy Wagons “. Which are police vans used for transporting criminals (came from the time when ‘rounding up the drunks’ were a thing).

JabbaTheBeachHut · 11/08/2024 00:01

Filltheglass · 10/08/2024 23:51

I still can't see the Irish connection though..

Regardless of the original meaning, throwing a paddy has come to mean throwing a fit of temper.

Irish people are often stereotyped as being 'bad tempered', particularly if they have red hair.

Having said that, I'm Irish and we all use the expression still to each other.

OkPedro · 11/08/2024 00:05

JabbaTheBeachHut · 11/08/2024 00:01

Regardless of the original meaning, throwing a paddy has come to mean throwing a fit of temper.

Irish people are often stereotyped as being 'bad tempered', particularly if they have red hair.

Having said that, I'm Irish and we all use the expression still to each other.

Do you? I've never heard another Irish person use the phrase.

TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 11/08/2024 00:11

saltinesandcoffeecups · 10/08/2024 23:33

How often do you ‘confide in over my anxiety“ to him?

This. It is absolutely draining being that friend.

JabbaTheBeachHut · 11/08/2024 00:13

OkPedro · 11/08/2024 00:05

Do you? I've never heard another Irish person use the phrase.

Yes, pretty much all my life and I'm 55.

TeachesOfPeaches · 11/08/2024 00:15

He is listening to all of your problems and you haven't given him sex yet.