Male friend upset me for ridiculous reason

[pussinboots61]

This is very over the top but I'm very upset. A close male friend of mine, who I confide in over my anxiety, has kicked off (edited by MNHQ) over something so trivial it's unreal. But because I am an anxious person and live on my nerves it's pushing me to the limit.

It's all over a handbag, yes really. The strap had gone on my handbag and the part where it connects was fraying. I was going to buy a new bag but he said I could get it repaired so today I took it to the cobblers and got it mended.

I saw my friend earlier and all was fine. Later I messaged him to tell him my bag is sorted and he replied to say its only cost me £16 to get it mended and I was going to get a new bag. Just conversation, I thought nothing of it and said at least it's sorted now.

But then he went on about it, asked me why was I going to buy a new bag in the first place without thinking of getting it mended myself. I told him it's no longer an issue. Then he told me all I do is listen ro my stress and I'm wasting his time and not to go to him when I'm in a mess.

I couldn't believe it. I got upset and told him so and said I was going for a walk to calm down. When I got home he'd sent me a message telling me to be careful and that he'd go and look for his dummy, more or less admitting that he was in the wrong.

He's usually such a warm caring person, everyone who knows him says the same. I dont know how to handle this at all. Such a normal day and then he kicks off about a handbag and blames my anxiety. Should I just leave him to come round or tell him where to stick it but I don't want to lose him as a friend as he's not usually like this.

Did you mean "roasties"? Actually, "Pulling a George" sounds a bit rude!

Urgh autocorrect, yes roasties!

For clarity, the espression ‘a p*y’ is a British colonialist discriminatory trope for three reasons:

1. It uses the term historically used by English people to collectively refer to Irish people, and their patron saint, as a derogatory slur, nearly always meant offensively or to mock. In a similar way to ‘the n-word’.
2. It was historically used by the British ruling classes to dismiss and belittle the collective struggle of the Irish people to gain independence and free themselves from British colonial rule. Mocking their ongoing anger at the stealing of their land and oppression, starvation and dehumanisation of their people. E.g. ‘they’re having a p*y again’.
3. When said on a personal level, it means unreasonableness, obstinacy and an inability to control one’s temper, flowing from the discriminatory trope that Irish people were a childlike and uncivilised sub-class/race of people, who were drunken and violent.

Just because some people are unaware of this and continue to use it doesn’t mean it’s respectful.

Just because no offence is meant by using it doesn’t mean it’s respectful.

Just because some individual people say they don’t find it offensive doesn’t mean it’s respectful.

Just because some Irish people may use it (e.g. in reference to themselves or their saint’s day) doesn’t mean it’s respectful for people of English heritage to use it. Same as White people using ‘the n-word’.

If it’s someone’s name, obviously it’s fine.

It is interesting, and your example reminds me of a conversation with an acquaintance growing up in a part of Ireland in the early 90s where there there were very very few Black people. My acquaintance was friends with a guy from a family who were established in the community. He told me his friend was great fun and really fitted in because he was happy to use or hear pejorative terms for Black people. The guy was, I imagine, accepting this language as a way to survive and thrive as best he could as a minority in early 90s catholic undiverse Ireland. In the same way, an Irish person in England, especially in the 80 s and 90s would have to put up with being called paddy and not react to other stereotypes. Now we know better and can just simply stop.

You’d think after MNHQ update the derailing might stop but no such luck I guess 🫤

OP I think this is a bit of a storm in a tea cup. These spats happen in all relationships sometimes. You need to work on your ability to manage your anxiety rather than expect everyone else to walk on egg shells. Maybe mention this in counselling for some professional
advice/work through the reason this has upset you so much.

I'm British and old enough to remember the prejudice.

Thing is, I think there's a sort of statute of limitations (to use an American phrase) on the derivation of words. It's how language works. No one, for instance, expects candidates to dress in white.

I also think that the intention of the speaker should be considered, as well as the reaction of the hearer. So, yes, if a word causes offence, we should think about why and how that happens. But also if the word has, as it were, lost the power and connotation of its origin, we should take that into account.

I'm a bit ambivalent about this one, to be honest. Even on this thread, there are Irish people who care and Irish people who don't. And I'm not sure that the views of anyone who isn't Irish really have much weight.

I will say, though, that I don't understand why putting asterisks in is any help at all. If you type 'pa**y' and if everyone who sees it reads it as 'paddy' - which is exactly what you want them to do - what's been gained, or avoided, or improved by that?

I mean, you know, does it make any ""ing difference?

Have you people no shame? Start your own thread.
I hope you’ve been able to talk about it and resolve the issue OP.

This. Reminds me of that notorious televised Bernard Manning gig for the police. there was one black police officer in the audience. Of course, he had to "take a joke". Disgusting.

"you people"?

Yes. The ones derailing OPs thread with their own discussion about which words we are allowed to use. Selfish and tone deaf af.

My word — the reading comprehension on here is appalling from so many. I am not Irish, but surely we can collectively understand that “Paddy” in the context of “throwing a paddy” means “throwing an -Irish behaviour-“ which basically equates Irish people with a temper. Therefore, it is derogatory. No need to say it, there are a multitude of words that can be used instead of that word.

As for your friend OP, he sounds slightly fed up of being at the end of complaining and coming up with solutions. It can be incredibly draining.

Good thing you turned up because no-one on this thread has made that made that point yet

Yes you do. There are plenty of people here saying it and explaining where the word comes from but you are choosing to ignore them.

Why do you LOL on learning that a word is offensive?

This. Don’t use it. Some people with disabilities have reclaimed the term ‘crip’. That doesn’t mean I get to throw it around. Surely it’s not that hard to stop using an expression associated with unpleasant ethnic stereotypes?

I thought that as soon as I posted it! But then I wrestled with the fact that maybe it was the attitude of assuming that was the problem, rather than the number of assumptions. So, 'let's have less of that attitude' kind of thing. So I left it 😀

None whatsoever. Or do you not challenge racism?

Oh please, I though the racism issue had been sorted.

This. Bang on.

I think you have some serious issues.

I don’t understand the post due to the grammar. What did the friend say that has made the OP upset?

Thank you.

It was 5 days ago. Everyone has moved on (or should have by now!) it doesn't matter that you don't understand the grammar.

Oh gosh wonder how my stepdad whose name is paddy gets on if he's going to be censored for typing it lol. And throwing a "paddy" is a tantrum

Good lord, it's been 5 days. RTFT. Paddy the name is , obviously, fine. Paddy to mean tantrum isn't/