Male friend upset me for ridiculous reason

[pussinboots61]

This is very over the top but I'm very upset. A close male friend of mine, who I confide in over my anxiety, has kicked off (edited by MNHQ) over something so trivial it's unreal. But because I am an anxious person and live on my nerves it's pushing me to the limit.

It's all over a handbag, yes really. The strap had gone on my handbag and the part where it connects was fraying. I was going to buy a new bag but he said I could get it repaired so today I took it to the cobblers and got it mended.

I saw my friend earlier and all was fine. Later I messaged him to tell him my bag is sorted and he replied to say its only cost me £16 to get it mended and I was going to get a new bag. Just conversation, I thought nothing of it and said at least it's sorted now.

But then he went on about it, asked me why was I going to buy a new bag in the first place without thinking of getting it mended myself. I told him it's no longer an issue. Then he told me all I do is listen ro my stress and I'm wasting his time and not to go to him when I'm in a mess.

I couldn't believe it. I got upset and told him so and said I was going for a walk to calm down. When I got home he'd sent me a message telling me to be careful and that he'd go and look for his dummy, more or less admitting that he was in the wrong.

He's usually such a warm caring person, everyone who knows him says the same. I dont know how to handle this at all. Such a normal day and then he kicks off about a handbag and blames my anxiety. Should I just leave him to come round or tell him where to stick it but I don't want to lose him as a friend as he's not usually like this.

A close male friend of mine, who I confide in over my anxiety

It's perfectly fine to use him as your emotional sounding board/free therapist, but you begrudge him one bad day? It hasn't occured to you that maybe he is going through a hard time, and maybe, just maybe, he's reached the limit of dealing with your problems?

Maybe it's an age thing. I'm in my 60s and my family all still use this too

Hmmm. He gave you some helpful advice about your bag and acts as your informal therapist by the sounds of it. He asks you a normal question, you act weird over it so then he acts weird and as a result you're thinking of dropping him as a friend. Sounds tedious to me and all a bit dramatic teenagery.

This sums it up

Honestly, it sounds like he thinks you’re a bit of a chaotic mess and don’t always make good decisions and blame your anxiety for it. He sounds fed up, this won’t have come from nowhere as you think.

Throwing a Paddy is a racist expression and refers to the stereotype of the short tempered Irish man.

Calling an Irishman ‘Paddy’ when they are called Paul or Peter etc is also racist - this stems back to when all Irish men were referred to as Paddies or Micks!

Throwing a paddy

A dated and offensive expression generally used by English people to describe someone having an over the top strop.

Offensively refers to Irish people as "paddys" and their "over the top sulking" when it came to the English stealing Irish land, pillaging and their refusal to grant the Irish their independence for a long time.

It implies unreasonableness, obstinacy and an inability to control the temper (which go nicely with drunkeness and violence of course).

Outdated expression thats up there with the likes of "working like a black"

^ according to google. I’m Irish and have never heard the term ‘throwing a paddy’

Interesting.. I'm 42 and genuinely never heard it used in Ireland. Seems an odd thing to say to each other when it's a slur against Irish people

@Wheredoistartimexhausted

its one thing to tell someone that a is now considered offensive, but it's quite another to tell her not to use it. You're not her Mum or her Boss or in any other position of Authority.

If he is normally a good friend then surely he is allowed a bad day? Sounds s bit like you expect him to accommodate you based on your anxiety but you don't have much empathy for whatever he may have going on. On the other hand if this is regular then maybe move on from the friendship.

Really because I I’m pretty sure telling people what they can and can’t say on the internet is a new pastime. Like don’t you all arrest people for saying mean things?

Same. I'm Irish too. Never hear anyone here using it in Ireland. Heard plenty of times abroad though to cause offence towards Irish.

@Ella31 I agree - I'm in my 50s & Irish & have never once heard an Irish person in ireland use that expression.

I did hear it a lot in my time in England though.

I agree that it's offensive & I don't think there's a way to use it without it being offensive

Maybe something is wrong in his life time to be a good friend to him and forgive him if he's not usually like this

*I was going to buy a new bag but he said I could get it repaired so today I took it to the cobblers and got it mended.

I saw my friend earlier and all was fine. Later I messaged him to tell him my bag is sorted and he replied to say its only cost me £16 to get it mended and I was going to get a new bag. Just conversation, I thought nothing of it and said at least it's sorted now.

But then he went on about it, asked me why was I going to buy a new bag in the first place without thinking of getting it mended myself. I told him it's no longer an issue. Then he told me all I do is listen ro my stress and I'm wasting his time and not to go to him when I'm in a mess.*

I don't understand this. He said you could get it repaired. You did do.

All the people saying OP doesn't listen to his solutions. Err, she literally took his advice and got the bag fixed.

OP, if you've messaged him to day the bag is sorted, why is he saying "it only cost £16 and that you were just going to get a new bag"? Seems a weird response. Surely the appropriate response here is "nice one" or similar.

He then brought it up again and you said its no longer an issue, I.e. it's sorted. Is he always such a drama queen?

It’s also 1. Very angry state.

Being offended is a choice sometimes.

I think perhaps, even if momentarily, he felt it was another thing you were coming to him about. It may have been a just a bag strap to you but to him it could have been the final straw.

Don't bin him off if he has been a good friend and supportive. He has admitted he went over the top. Perhaps be mindful of how much pressure you put on him. Make sure you ask how he is doing.

This made me think being friends is give and take, so what do you give him?

When it's a noun used to describe an Irish person. OP was using a different meaning of the word, the first one in your dictionary reference.

Thanks for pointing this out. It's obviously not the point of the thread. Just because some people haven't thought about the meaning or origin of the expression doesn't change that it's blatantly offensive. Language matters

Who is "you all"?

That is ridiculous as it is being applied in a completely different context
Ffs

There really isn’t a non offensive use of a racist slur.

It was not describing a 'drunken' Irishman, it was merely a descriptor of an Irish persin, likexTaff/Taffy was used to describe the Welsh, or a nickname
Don't make stuff up!

@pussinboots61 I don’t understand why he told you to be careful? Is there more context?

I think there’s a red flag here. Some men are “rescuers” because it’s a camouflage for control. His mask slipped a bit there.

You were essentially thanking him for the tip - it was completely inappropriate of him to belittle and chastise you.

I’d take a step back from this one. Are you getting any help for that anxiety?