Male friend upset me for ridiculous reason

[pussinboots61]

This is very over the top but I'm very upset. A close male friend of mine, who I confide in over my anxiety, has kicked off (edited by MNHQ) over something so trivial it's unreal. But because I am an anxious person and live on my nerves it's pushing me to the limit.

It's all over a handbag, yes really. The strap had gone on my handbag and the part where it connects was fraying. I was going to buy a new bag but he said I could get it repaired so today I took it to the cobblers and got it mended.

I saw my friend earlier and all was fine. Later I messaged him to tell him my bag is sorted and he replied to say its only cost me £16 to get it mended and I was going to get a new bag. Just conversation, I thought nothing of it and said at least it's sorted now.

But then he went on about it, asked me why was I going to buy a new bag in the first place without thinking of getting it mended myself. I told him it's no longer an issue. Then he told me all I do is listen ro my stress and I'm wasting his time and not to go to him when I'm in a mess.

I couldn't believe it. I got upset and told him so and said I was going for a walk to calm down. When I got home he'd sent me a message telling me to be careful and that he'd go and look for his dummy, more or less admitting that he was in the wrong.

He's usually such a warm caring person, everyone who knows him says the same. I dont know how to handle this at all. Such a normal day and then he kicks off about a handbag and blames my anxiety. Should I just leave him to come round or tell him where to stick it but I don't want to lose him as a friend as he's not usually like this.

But hate speech, Equality Act, offence caused and it all began with someone getting their handbag fixed.

Not sure how we got from friend advises OP to mend not buy (but belabours point) to friend wants to have sex with OP.

Irish people have suffered awful prejudice in England for a very long time. Are you old enough to remember the "sus laws" and how they were used against Irish people in England?

Different perspective: I have a male friend with bad anxiety we call him a drainer. Always moaning about something and very negative. I have lost my rag occasionally with him as it’s a lot mentally to cope with all the time.

Of course it’s ok to have friends and be able to talk about your problems. My issue is I have my own problems and having someone messaging about trivial things can get a bit meh.

Your bag breaking is a none issue. If you messaged to say and upbeat about getting a new bag and you were excited….great. However if you complained about it….sounds like a you could be a drainer too.

So if an OP uses an offensive term against a person of colour, or a person from a different country, or of a different religion for example - noone should ask them to stop, because their right to say it trumps the fact that it is offensive?

Catch yourself on.

I have two Irish friends; they both use the expression regularly- they work in schools with stroppy teenagers.

I think she gets the message by now.

Maybe we can move on now?

OP, sounds like the had an off day. It happens to us all. Accept his apology and move on.

Are you seeing someone about your anxiety?

OP, hard to comment without knowing more about the dynamic of your friendship. Did you start off fretting and worrying about the handbag and replacement cost? Does he routinely help you with practical advice?

It is incredibly hard work being friends or family with someone who suffers anxiety, however much you care for them. I think you would need to have the constitution of a professional therapist to not be affected by it.

I have dear friends with a range of anxieties, ones which impact many of the choices we make for activities, and they are also often extremely sensitive and spiky around what gets said. Whereas I am not allowed the same leeway.

Your friend usually accommodates your worries and anxieties, but you seem not able to accommodate his bit of a loss of patience, or whatever it was.

He apologised!

Can you not accept his apology?

Absolutely, Im old enough to remember the hunger strikes and I abhor racism. No Irish person has ever suffered prejudice from me.

Just talk to him, and ask if he’s ok as it was an unusual reaction. See what he says.

Good woman/man, then. Cheers.

Oh pussinboots - I really hope you are ok.
Anxiety can be absolutely crippling and I’m so sorry that you are having a tough time.
I have no idea why your friend has reacted the way he has over something so minor but sometimes other people just do not have the reserves themselves to support others.

It sounds like he was having a bad day and maybe this outburst was his way of trying to vent his stresses. It’s not necessarily right that he reacted in this way but we are all only human and are trying to do the best we can.

No judgement in this question, but are you doing anything to manage your anxiety beyond relying on this friend ? I suffer from anxiety and your post has made me wonder if I too manage it in the same way you do and what the impact might be on those people that I turn to. It’s made me think that it might not be the most sustainable way to manage.

I’m going to look into CBT today - is this something you have considered ? I’m hoping it might help me find ways that do not depend solely on the support of other people.

I truly believe that being open and vulnerable is a great thing and often times people are kind and more than happy to support but I can also see that it is a big ask if someone is having a tough time themselves.

I hope all the comments about the offensive term haven’t sent you into a spiral.
I’m Irish descent, both parents proudly Irish, huge Irish family - spend lots of time there and with a deep respect for the history and culture … and I have never made the connection between that term.
I’ve heard it many times (and maybe even used it - I can’t remember) but even with my sensitivity having been raised in England through the 70s/80s and being aware of the experiences my parents had - I’ve never picked up on it. So be kind to yourself and don’t beat yourself up for using it - we are all still learning and I’m certain you meant no malice. Now I know, I won’t use it again and will hopefully be able to share what I know with others so they don’t inadvertently make the same mistake.

Much love and I hope you have a better day today. I’m struggling through a dark phase at the moment too so I’m going to get up and try to not let it beat me x

Well, this thread keeps giving

The amount of antisemitism, Islamophobia, small boats rants on here recently and someone has used a fairly common phrase without knowing what it means. I think everyone is aware now.

Enough!

Yeah this was my question.

No Irish people in an Ireland use this phrase. It’s a slur that we wouldn’t dream of using on each other. First time I ever heard it was on mumsnet and I thought it was really offensive. Perhaps people with Irish ancestry living in the UK use it, but it is a term that is never used in Ireland.

Come on, you know Irish people are allowed to say it. Just as Asian people are allowed to say the P word etc. etc.

Seriously? I'd have guessed he was probably gay.

Really weird behaviour on his part. It sounds like he has recognised he behaved badly and (sort of) apologised so I think on this occasion I would chalk it up to a bad day and move on. I would, however, be on my guard for this kind of thing happening in future, in case it becomes a repeat issue.

Well, when this phrase first became popular, English people absolutely did talk of "the Irish race" (and "the English race", TBF).

There is no scientific definition of race, it's a nonsense concept (although racism is very much real, of course)

The whole concept of "race" came out of European colonialism and enlightenment thinking, trying to clarify subject people as "other" and to justify whole business.

Soni don't think we need to worry about calling this racism.

Why on earth do you need to pretend to go for a jog? Why can't you just say truthfully that you are going for a brisk walk? No-one is going to judge you for fancying a brisk walk over a jog, for goodness sake.

This is a classic case of overthinking and over-analysing other people's reactions to your choices and decisions, which is probably just leading to more anxiety. The truth is they probably don't give a stuff anyway. They are far more interested in themselves than in what motivates you every minute of the day. You don't need to explain or justify your every action to other people anyway.

I'm Irish and I have never heard that phrase used in Ireland.

I have however read it twice on Mumsnet and found it offensive (and somewhat shocking) on both occasions, and I am not a dramatic person. I find it even more offensive that people are continuing to justify it's use after it being explained why it causes offense.

Would demeaning phrases about other races be so readily acceptable here?

My first thought too

Same here.