Male friend upset me for ridiculous reason

[pussinboots61]

This is very over the top but I'm very upset. A close male friend of mine, who I confide in over my anxiety, has kicked off (edited by MNHQ) over something so trivial it's unreal. But because I am an anxious person and live on my nerves it's pushing me to the limit.

It's all over a handbag, yes really. The strap had gone on my handbag and the part where it connects was fraying. I was going to buy a new bag but he said I could get it repaired so today I took it to the cobblers and got it mended.

I saw my friend earlier and all was fine. Later I messaged him to tell him my bag is sorted and he replied to say its only cost me £16 to get it mended and I was going to get a new bag. Just conversation, I thought nothing of it and said at least it's sorted now.

But then he went on about it, asked me why was I going to buy a new bag in the first place without thinking of getting it mended myself. I told him it's no longer an issue. Then he told me all I do is listen ro my stress and I'm wasting his time and not to go to him when I'm in a mess.

I couldn't believe it. I got upset and told him so and said I was going for a walk to calm down. When I got home he'd sent me a message telling me to be careful and that he'd go and look for his dummy, more or less admitting that he was in the wrong.

He's usually such a warm caring person, everyone who knows him says the same. I dont know how to handle this at all. Such a normal day and then he kicks off about a handbag and blames my anxiety. Should I just leave him to come round or tell him where to stick it but I don't want to lose him as a friend as he's not usually like this.

Don’t be ridiculous. There are several meanings to the word paddy.

52, Irish and only ever encountered it in the UK.

OP, stop making mountains out of molehills. ‘Being confided in’ about someone’s anxiety is draining. Get some professional help.

And, yes, ‘throwing a paddy’ is offensive.

RTFT, it's been explained multiple times.

Fine if you didn't realise the phrase is offensive. Not fine to deny that or to continue using it now you know.

Me neither. Also Irish born and bred. Never heard it till I came to England. I find it offensive regardless of context as it perpetuates a stereotype.

What are you unsure you’re unreasonable about?

IMHO it’s unreasonable to end a generally good friendship over a tiff. Unless there’s more to it.

Why does he feel you should listen to him? Why did he tell you to ‘be careful’? A friend should offer advice, when asked. But they shouldn’t expect you to take it. Or criticise or get frustrated if you consider a different solution. It’s perfectly reasonable to consider treating yourself to a new bag if it breaks. Might he be a little domineering?

Is he taking the right approach to your anxiety? I have friends with anxiety, and do myself. A good friend doesn’t judge, but encourages and supports you to make your own decisions and solve your own problems, rather than become dependent on them or do what they say.

Is it possible you rely on him a little too heavily and he’s finding it draining? People who are v kind and supportive can sometimes have their own needs overlooked. Do you mainly speak to him about your problems? Or is most of the time you spend with him fun and positive for you both? Do you listen to his problems?

Perhaps you need an afternoon out together where you can have a laugh, but also have a chat about your friendship. Maybe a walk and lunch/picnic, so you’re on neutral territory and not too face-to-face. So, any frustrations or needs can be discussed in an honest, respectful way and can figure out how your friendship can be healthy and positive for you both.

And I know you prob didn’t realise, but ‘a paddy’ is a discriminatory insult, whether meant or not. It comes from past British colonialism in Ireland, i.e. “the Irish always kick off when we oppress them”. So, not respectful to use it.

I’m English and even I know how offensive that term is.

For those of you who don’t know, well now you’re educated and will hopefully stop using it.

Why? He's been supportive to her and he basically has had enough on one occasion? Next you'll be saying he's a narcissist.

If this is completely our of character then it needs a conversation. Because the situation didn't warrant his reaction, so he clearly used it as a way in to say what was in his mind generally about you, ie, that he feels you cause stress. Now, whether that's true or not, no one here can tell you because we know neither of you. He could be a nasty piece of work taking his temper out on you, playing games with you and gaslighting you. Or, you could be what they term on here as 'hard work' too frequently over sharing your own problems with him. Only you know which is the more likely. Of you're sure it's the first, end the friendship. This won't be out of the blue, you'll have seen other signs. If you think there's a possibility of the second, you need to talk. Tell him you were surprised by the exchange, can't believe its over a bag strap and would like to know what was really behind it.

Why do you think this?
I didn't read this in the OP's post.

Oh lol. Offensive to who? Used to mean a strop it’s not offensive (even per your link!) in terms of meaning Irish.. well no, I don’t know any Irish that are offended by it.

Unfortunately there have been demeaning phrases about Muslims, GRT people, and immigrants in general on numerous threads.

It's nothing to do with the Irish. The use of the term having a paddy has been used for decades to describe having a meltdown. There is no connection to the race of any other person.

If you bothered to read any of the thread then you would know Irish people are offended by it. 🙄

OP, I think you’re relying too much on this one friend. It will be draining for him and I guess in this case he gave advice you didnt follow so I guess he felt like he listens and tries to help but you don’t actually want the help and he felt frustrated

RTFT. It's used to mean a strop by likening the behaviour to a negative stereotype of Irish people. Fine if you didn't know that, but now you do.

https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Throwing%20a%20paddy

https://www.irishcentral.com/news/bbc-throwing-a-paddy

1. It's racist

2. I've never heard it used in Ireland, nor by an Irish person.

3. Even if an Irish person were to use it, that doesn't make it OK for anyone else to

I grew up in a family who used the term “throwing a paddy” all the time. None of us thought about what we were actually saying. Then one day I used it in front of an Irish friend and he said, “Please don’t use that expression. It basically means ‘coming over all Irish’” and I thought, ‘of course it does’ and I haven’t used it since. Why argue the toss rather than just listen?

Thanks @Bromeliads .

Haven't RTFT (which seems like a lot of fuss about nothing) but early policemen in NYC were often Irish, and old b&w American films set in NYC often have stereotypical portrayals of Irish-accented police officers, so while "paddy wagon" relates to an Irish stereotype, I don't think it's such an offensive one as you seem to assume!

Well you lost me at paddy to be honest op. 🙄

My father was called Paddy as his full name was Patrick . Was he racist for accepting being called that or were the people who called him that , racist . Ridiculous .

Wheredoistartimexhausted , here we go!!!!

He’s admitting that he over-reacted. What more do you want? Are you expecting him to grovel?

Friendship should go both ways. Could it be that he’s fed up with always being the one for you to lean on and it never going the other way?

Just like you, he’s human and sometimes gets worked up about things that don’t merit it. It sounds like he’s a good friend to you, a friend worth keeping, so let it drop.

Why would you tell him where to stick it, when he made one little fuck up?
You sound like hard work.

Here's one ✋