Male friend upset me for ridiculous reason

[pussinboots61]

This is very over the top but I'm very upset. A close male friend of mine, who I confide in over my anxiety, has kicked off (edited by MNHQ) over something so trivial it's unreal. But because I am an anxious person and live on my nerves it's pushing me to the limit.

It's all over a handbag, yes really. The strap had gone on my handbag and the part where it connects was fraying. I was going to buy a new bag but he said I could get it repaired so today I took it to the cobblers and got it mended.

I saw my friend earlier and all was fine. Later I messaged him to tell him my bag is sorted and he replied to say its only cost me £16 to get it mended and I was going to get a new bag. Just conversation, I thought nothing of it and said at least it's sorted now.

But then he went on about it, asked me why was I going to buy a new bag in the first place without thinking of getting it mended myself. I told him it's no longer an issue. Then he told me all I do is listen ro my stress and I'm wasting his time and not to go to him when I'm in a mess.

I couldn't believe it. I got upset and told him so and said I was going for a walk to calm down. When I got home he'd sent me a message telling me to be careful and that he'd go and look for his dummy, more or less admitting that he was in the wrong.

He's usually such a warm caring person, everyone who knows him says the same. I dont know how to handle this at all. Such a normal day and then he kicks off about a handbag and blames my anxiety. Should I just leave him to come round or tell him where to stick it but I don't want to lose him as a friend as he's not usually like this.

I think 2 things that have been mentioned.

1. he’s the nice guy hearing you out but fancies you and wants more
2. this relationship has become too one sided with him listening and it always being about you. Do you reciprocate? I have a friend who would talk for hours on the phone about her issues. I never had a chance to ever talk about mine or I would say one line and be dismissed. I had to distance from her.

I want to say this gently, because I’m only telling you what I learned, having been a deeply anxious person myself.
find some help to learn to self-regulate.
other people can’t be your source of comfort - what will you do when they have too much going on, and can’t cope with your upset as well as theirs?

it sounds like he cares, but it also sounds like he hit a limit.

we all have shitty days sometimes - have you been there for him, as well?

learning to self soothe and take care of your emotions, learning to be your own protector, could be the greatest gift you ever give yourself. It’s life changing.

there’s no shame here- you can’t know what you haven’t learned yet, but it’s a wonderful step forward when we realize that no one else can be expected to soothe our upsets, and we have the power to do it ourselves.

It’s a historical reference to English oppression of Irish people – so throwing a paddy is about William of Orange’s troops killing Catholics. A bit like British archers back in the day giving the two finger gesture to let the French archers know they still had their fingers intact. Phrases enter the lexicon without people the historical meaning. It’s not a phrase I use myself.

Very few people are interested or invested in other people's anxiety. It is just boring and draining for others. I realised it a while back and as I suffer from bouts of anxiety, I don't burden other people with it, I lie - I pretend to go for a jog (I hate jogging) and I just walk briskly, any time of day or night. If you realise that nobody cares really (honestly) then you will find coping mechanisms, even non-medicated ones, like jogging or whatever. But the fact that he mentioned you should not bother him when you are anxious is the truth, he realised he should not have said it, but he thought it and he continues to think it.

Sadly OP this is probably the crux of it.

The phrase ‘having a paddy’ still comes from the offensive term for an Irish person though and shouldn’t be used. It is a dated and offensive expression generally used by the English to describe someone having an over the top strop (they were making a comparison to their horrid thoughts on Irish people who they thought had bad tempers and couldn’t control their emotions as they were savages/drunks etc)

I am Irish and it definitely is offensive. To those saying, "but the OP's friend is not Irish", you have totally missed the point. Try replacing the derogatory word Paddy with the name of another minority race and see whether you think it's offensive to say that someone has "thrown a X" when referring to losing your temper.

Grow up. Irish people are telling you it's offensive. Listen, and stop using it.

And we absolutely do not say this phrase in Ireland.

I really do find the expression “throwing a paddy” very offensive.
Please don’t use it.

I'm sure OP gets it after many posts about the phrase ffs, repeating it over and over is more tedious than I suspect her mate feels about always hearing about her anxiety.

Fascinated where you are from in Ireland? I am 42, born in Ireland, lived in Dublin, Cork and Cavan at various times and have literally never ever heard it im context to a tantrum.

@uthredswife Same here. Have lived all over Ireland and never heard it used.

Yes yes yes. Well explained.

My ex boyfriend who was lrish and whose father was called Paddy laughed his head off when l said someone had thrown a Paddy. No offence taken there at all.

Absolutely agree.
I’m Irish too and I hate the expression “having /throwing a paddy” which I hear English people say.

It really is extremely offensive.

Could be worse, he could have thrown an Englishman and committed war crimes in Boer and India.

Well, every day is a school day. I never even thought of the offensive meaning behind throwing a paddy or paddy wagon. Knick knack, paddy whack, give the dog a bone? Anyway, good to know.

Op, your friend's reaction about your handbag situation was odd. Maybe talk to him less about problems and more about lighthearted stuff.

He's not into you, is he, in a romantic sense?

If we're being pedantic, then it's not racist. Irish isn't a race. It's xenophobic

You weren't 'grateful enough', you should have been much more gushing with the praise about how much money he saved you and how clever he is.

Yet, two Irish say they do 🤷‍♀️

I’m living in County Down now, am in my sixties and in all my years I have never once heard that expression used by Irish people anywhere in Ireland.

Big Irish family here and we use Paddy all the time!

Different parts of Ireland must vary judging by the mixed responses.

Why?

Because it equates having a temper tantrum with being a “paddy” ie Irish.

it stems from the English stereotype of Irish people as bad-tempered drunks, incomprehensibly causing trouble.

it’s a phrase I have heard English people use, never Irish people and it is extremely offensive.

imagine describing bad behaviour by using any other ethnic group to personify that behaviour. Can you see the problem?

Hey op. I hope the talk of offensive language hasn't thrown you into more anxiety. You clearly didn't know it's origins, and won't use it again. So try not to dwell on it anymore.

As for your friend well he sounds frustrated. Either

• the relationship is one sided and he does a lot of listening and is fed up of it or
• as a pp said, he's the rescuer type that becomes very controlling and slipped or
• he wants sex