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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He does not want to work

264 replies

what2do2donow · 09/08/2024 12:50

AIBU to think he does not want to work?

Ok he stopped working because of arthritis and he was on sick pay insurance for 3 years (half his monthly salary paid monthly) not enough to look after a family of 4

Yes his leg is not great but I think there are jobs he can still do but refused

His insurance pay is now finished and I said to him to do some sport coaching training so that he can volunteer at our sons running club or football club or just train our son or just to stay active as advised by the doctor but he said he can't do the training because of his leg.

I said take a small customer service remote job he said no

I said do meta blue print training or the Google version online, he said no.

He is home all day everyday watching TV and hasn't missed and football matches in 3 years .

AIBU here? Because, I don't see any reason y he can't find a job to do at all. He is very lazy and would rather wallow in poverty than
get up and work.

Pls can anyone suggest any other job that someone with arthritis (knee) can do?

OP posts:
Original poster
what2do2donow · 09/08/2024 15:41

@PinkPurpleHibiscus8

catsareraining
Is there any reason you write sch run instead of school run?

Why is this relevant?

I would like to know why it is relevant too.

OP posts:
Original poster
what2do2donow · 09/08/2024 15:45

JLou08 · 09/08/2024 15:27

After 3 years out of work it could be anxiety holding him back from returning, he would have become comfortable with not having the interactions/expectations/demands of work. He may also worry about his arthritis deteriorating from the preassures of work. Most people do want to work but have something holding them back. As he worked hard for 10 years and left for genuine reasons I wouldn't be jumping to him just being lazy.

Valid point but I would think not wanting your children to suffer or go without would be enough motivation to get back to work.

He worked 3 years doing 3 hour round journey for a company that had a branch 5 mins drive away from home and could have asked them to transfer him closer to home but refused saying he went to the local branch and only saw older people there. And I said what is your problem with older people? You are there to do you job and get paid 🤷🏽‍♀️ but he refused to ask for transfer

OP posts:
Original poster
what2do2donow · 09/08/2024 15:46

Zzbutton · 09/08/2024 15:13

I’m in my 40s and just had a hip replacement. Arthritis in my hip was really painful the last two years and my mobility severely impaired for the last 6/12 months I’ve used crutches. For comparison to your partner - I’m a single parent of two teenagers and held down a full time job. I cooked and cleaned and held it all together by myself. I managed because I had to. He’s opting out because he can. Not fair on you not fair on your kids.

I take my hat off to you

And yes he being very lazy

OP posts:
Original poster
what2do2donow · 09/08/2024 15:47

DelphiniumBlue · 09/08/2024 15:18

He needs to retrain in something he can do sitting down.
Tell him to start checking out training for September , because you’re not willing to continue to support him.

He wouldn't and he will start to make annoying excuses and I don't wanna go to jail.

OP posts:
tooeasy · 09/08/2024 15:48

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
what2do2donow · 09/08/2024 15:48

BebbanburgIsMine · 09/08/2024 15:12

@catsareraining

That is a very helpful post.

Why does it matter if the OP wrote Sch Run and not School Run?

I will like to know too. Why does it matter?

OP posts:
Original poster
what2do2donow · 09/08/2024 15:49

BabygirlTom · 09/08/2024 14:55

There's no such this as common law marriage, so he wouldn't be entitled to anything from you.

Move out and leave him to it.

Oh no, I am not worried that he will be entitled to anything. I wrote common law just indicate that we have been together for a very long time etc

He's got no claim to nothing because I bought and own everything in the house and own the house so 🤷🏽‍♀️

OP posts:
BobbyBiscuits · 09/08/2024 15:50

There's are loads of desk based jobs and arthritis sufferer could do. He just needs a comfortable chair/desk. It seems like he lacks motivation. Would he think certain jobs below him?
You can do market and social research interviewing from home. Just asking questionnaires to businesses and individuals. One I know pays London living wage wherever you are. You can choose your shifts so it's quite flexible. I can pm you the details of one I know if you like?
But it's really about whether he has the motivation to work. Is he claiming UC or PIP if he's not well? Make sure he's on all the benefits he's entitled to as well as getting into work.

tooeasy · 09/08/2024 15:50

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

PrettyPickle · 09/08/2024 15:50

He is relatively young to have an arthritic knee that totally debilitates him and surely he could get a knee replacement? Has he goner down this route? Is he perhaps depressed too.

I can understand that when you first get together with someone who is ill, you may have an expectation they will recover but you have gone on to have two children so what has changed to make you feel this way? Surely you assess the situation before you decide to tie yourself to him with kids? So what has changed?

None the less, if he is depressed, tell hm he needs to get help as he can't go on like this and be patient. If in your opinion he is not depressed (and only you really know), then have a heart to heart with him about how you feel, give him a chance to start pulling his weight and if he doesn't, just walk away, you are not married.

This is pretty easy for me to say and very hard for you, but you know how you feel and only you can decided if this is how you want to live.

Original poster
what2do2donow · 09/08/2024 15:51

Oh no, I am not worried that he will be entitled to anything. I wrote common law just indicate that we have been together for a very long time etc

He's got no claim to nothing because I bought and own everything in the house
I don't mind buying everything in the house etc because I knew he would definitely not have the gut to lay claim to anything at all and he sits there probably thinking he is living the life

OP posts:
tooeasy · 09/08/2024 15:52

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

TallulahBetty · 09/08/2024 15:53

what2do2donow · 09/08/2024 12:53

How do I stop funding?

He is a common law partner/husband we have 2 kids both under 13.

Do I cook meals just for me and the kids?🤦🏾‍♀️

Show quote history

No such thing as a common-law spouse. I realise this isn't the point of your thread, but just in case you thought it meant either one of you have any more 'rights' than a normal couple.

TallulahBetty · 09/08/2024 15:54

Cross-post sorry, I see you have been advised of this just.

SauviGone · 09/08/2024 15:55

I bought and own everything in the house and own the house

I plan to move out with the kids

Why would you move out if you own the house?

gamerchick · 09/08/2024 15:56

what2do2donow · 09/08/2024 15:49

Oh no, I am not worried that he will be entitled to anything. I wrote common law just indicate that we have been together for a very long time etc

He's got no claim to nothing because I bought and own everything in the house and own the house so 🤷🏽‍♀️

Show quote history

So if you own the house, why are you planning on leaving? Just kick the lazy fucker out

Grammarnut · 09/08/2024 15:57

what2do2donow · 09/08/2024 12:53

How do I stop funding?

He is a common law partner/husband we have 2 kids both under 13.

Do I cook meals just for me and the kids?🤦🏾‍♀️

Show quote history

There is no such thing as a 'common law partner/husband' - has not been since 1757 (Marriage Act). You have a free-loader in your life and I would get rid of him. It doesn't sound as if you love him so why are you there?
And yes, cook just for you and the children. Quit whatever TV package you have because you 'cannot afford it' - on one income (yours) you probably can't! Stop anything that he does that you pay for - e.g. broadband. Point out that you cannot have these luxuries if he does not have a proper full-time job and he should go and get one. If he doesn't respond tell him to leave. Who owns the house/is the tenant btw? Make sure you know. Make sure you know whose name bills are in and bank accounts as well. Good luck.

Original poster
what2do2donow · 09/08/2024 16:06

PrettyPickle · 09/08/2024 15:50

He is relatively young to have an arthritic knee that totally debilitates him and surely he could get a knee replacement? Has he goner down this route? Is he perhaps depressed too.

I can understand that when you first get together with someone who is ill, you may have an expectation they will recover but you have gone on to have two children so what has changed to make you feel this way? Surely you assess the situation before you decide to tie yourself to him with kids? So what has changed?

None the less, if he is depressed, tell hm he needs to get help as he can't go on like this and be patient. If in your opinion he is not depressed (and only you really know), then have a heart to heart with him about how you feel, give him a chance to start pulling his weight and if he doesn't, just walk away, you are not married.

This is pretty easy for me to say and very hard for you, but you know how you feel and only you can decided if this is how you want to live.

He is most probably depressed but then I have no sympathy for that at all not because I don't think depression is real (I have been battling depression for the past 20 years & I am currently depressed) but then, he will never ever accept that he is depressed so he will never agree to seek help regarding that so no point even trying because o am st this long tired and fed up

He sees the GP and consultant for his knee issues and he due another appointment in a week to drain his knee again but he is currently taken painkillers for the pain the medication prescribed, he can not take because he almost lost his life to it from the side effects.
He will never listen to advise at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
what2do2donow · 09/08/2024 16:07

SauviGone · 09/08/2024 15:55

I bought and own everything in the house and own the house

I plan to move out with the kids

Why would you move out if you own the house?

I don't own the current house we are staying in but use to own the house we lived in for a facade

OP posts:
Gettingbysomehow · 09/08/2024 16:08

He is bloody lazy. My right hip and left knee have disintegrated and I'm on the list for hip and knee replacement. I also have arthritic spinal problems which will need decompression. I'm still working full time as an NHS podiatrist and use a rollator at work.
He is taking the piss big time.
Knees are easy, a good splint allows you to walk.

penguinonmybag · 09/08/2024 16:09

what2do2donow · 09/08/2024 16:07

I don't own the current house we are staying in but use to own the house we lived in for a facade

Show quote history

so who owns your current house? if you're renting, who is on the tenancy?

Gettingbysomehow · 09/08/2024 16:09

Chuck him out. Don't leave your home. You and the kids need it.

tooeasy · 09/08/2024 16:11

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
what2do2donow · 09/08/2024 16:14

PrettyPickle · 09/08/2024 15:50

He is relatively young to have an arthritic knee that totally debilitates him and surely he could get a knee replacement? Has he goner down this route? Is he perhaps depressed too.

I can understand that when you first get together with someone who is ill, you may have an expectation they will recover but you have gone on to have two children so what has changed to make you feel this way? Surely you assess the situation before you decide to tie yourself to him with kids? So what has changed?

None the less, if he is depressed, tell hm he needs to get help as he can't go on like this and be patient. If in your opinion he is not depressed (and only you really know), then have a heart to heart with him about how you feel, give him a chance to start pulling his weight and if he doesn't, just walk away, you are not married.

This is pretty easy for me to say and very hard for you, but you know how you feel and only you can decided if this is how you want to live.

I have mentioned knee replacements but he does not want to listen to it is either he feels he is too manly for knee replacement or he like the limitations the knee problems brings for him so that he can use it as an excuse not to work

Funny thing is he is now obsessed with loading the dishwasher which I find annoying because he want to leave all the plates in the sink to pile up and then load before going to bed and I hate having piles of dirty plates in the sink. He is always complaining about me not loading it properly and I said I have been loading dishwasher all my life and no one is said that. But then I off load 1 st thing in the morning when I come down to make breakfast and start work.

OP posts:
Gettingbysomehow · 09/08/2024 16:14

SuperBatFace · 09/08/2024 14:38

@Octavia64 that's not quite correct. They will prioritise a hip / knee replacement in someone of working age over someone of retirement age. The reason for this is fairly obvious

Tell my consultant that. I'll have to wait at least a year and I'm working full time.