He does not want to work

[what2do2donow]

AIBU to think he does not want to work?

Ok he stopped working because of arthritis and he was on sick pay insurance for 3 years (half his monthly salary paid monthly) not enough to look after a family of 4

Yes his leg is not great but I think there are jobs he can still do but refused

His insurance pay is now finished and I said to him to do some sport coaching training so that he can volunteer at our sons running club or football club or just train our son or just to stay active as advised by the doctor but he said he can't do the training because of his leg.

I said take a small customer service remote job he said no

I said do meta blue print training or the Google version online, he said no.

He is home all day everyday watching TV and hasn't missed and football matches in 3 years .

AIBU here? Because, I don't see any reason y he can't find a job to do at all. He is very lazy and would rather wallow in poverty than
get up and work.

Pls can anyone suggest any other job that someone with arthritis (knee) can do?

Basically it comes down to, do you want to be in this situation in the next 2/10/20 years?
You will be carrying the financial burden of the family while he watches TV and football.
He's not doing anything to improve his situation, so imagine what kind of retirement you'll have. His arthritis will get worse as he's doing nothing to improve it. You'll be waiting on him hand and foot, has he a pension? You're future looks grim if you tie yourself to him.

I have never been so relieved to see the words "common law wife" followed by "I am the higher earner." Dump him and let him go on benefits. I couldn't put up with seeing someone sit around and watch TV all day.

He may well have some pain and discomfort from arthritis but it's insulting to other sufferers who lead fulfilling lives and work hard.

Of course he can work, he just doesn't want to.

Why be stuck with this albatross around your neck as he is a crap husband and a poor role model to your children.

Boot him out.

@Octavia64 that's not quite correct. They will prioritise a hip / knee replacement in someone of working age over someone of retirement age. The reason for this is fairly obvious

Does he have rheumatoid arthritis or osteoarthritis?
I have osteo of the knees, ankle and toes- am 44 and I hold down a full time job. My doctor has advised that I keep active. I walk 4 days a week and i have noticed that keeping active has helped and I do not feel the stiffness at all. I have special shoes that makes it easier. I have injections when it is really bad. There are days I cannot get out of bed. I take painkillers and I am able to hold down a fulltime job.
Your partner is just being lazy - he can do a job and there are workplaces that are very accommodating. He is just using this as an excuse.

Nah Sorry he needs to retrain and do a desk job or something light eg working on a till.

Ridiculous. He’s taking the piss out of you.

I have arthritis in my lower back and have done for over 20 years. I also have it in my left shoulder. I’m mid 40s now and in the last year I also have joint pain in my knees and left side of my hip which I’m pretty sure is also arthritic.

Despite chronic pain, I’ve managed to work my whole life. I have 2 children and can’t afford not to. I work as a teaching assistant. I manage my pain with painkillers and anti inflammatories. I also try to keep active which helps. If I sat down watching TV all day everyday, I’d seize up.

He’s massively taking the piss.

Is his GP in fairly regular contact with him by phone calls? If his Health Centre knows his situation he should be down for a knee replacement and have done, after all this time, the pre-op. tests and x-rays. Is this not the case?

Just leave.
Your partner is leeching of you. 🙄

There's no such this as common law marriage, so he wouldn't be entitled to anything from you.

Move out and leave him to it.

YANBU. Relative has arthritis affecting knees, they swell horrendously. Doesn’t stop them though even when having to use a stick to walk. Manages a job ( accountant so not manual or heavy lifting type of work) school runs, housework.
Takes a few more painkillers and carries on.

As a pp above, I have arthritis in my lower back that was considered "moderate" 10 years ago - definitely worse now than it was then I just haven't bothered with trying to get another scan done to see progression. Some days it can take me up to 20 minutes to get out of bed, and I have to do stretches & sit in between everything I do e.g. bathroom/shower then sit, get dressed then sit, make tea & feed cats, sit etc. It's also in both hips (mild), and I've had to have my left (primary) shoulder rotator cuff repaired and that's now showing arthritic signs. I also have pain from the leg I broke over 40 years ago, and nerve damage in that foot which on a bad day makes it painful to walk, luckily left foot so OK with an automatic.

However I still get in my car and go to my office job every day. Work a full day, then come home where there's only me so I need to do everything around the house, personal admin, etc. One of my friends at work is paralysed from the waist down, she still managed to come in to the office once or twice a week & WFH the other days

In my 60's now, taking large doses of painkillers and anti inflammatory meds to just keep going, but I can manage.

And years ago I had a friend who had problems with his knee, would have to get it drained typically 2-3 times a year. He still did a physical job whenever able, as he wanted to help support his girlfriend & child.

You said he hasn't missed any football matches! Is he going to stadium to watch?
I would stop funding that.

Close girlfriend's partner could not find work, blamed the government, the economy etc. She chucked him out and what a surprise he had a job the next day.

Insist that he shows you the 'profits' he is making. It sounds like another excuse to shut you up and make you think he is doing something positive. BTW he will carry on doing nothing...

"Do I cook meals just for me and the kids?"

Yes.

because he is perfectly happy with the situation. He will not change if you continue to enable him. No judgment but there are no consequences for his behaviour.

🤣🤣🤣🤣

I don't even want to have that conversation at all, I just want to focus and work out how my plan is going to materialise quickly & move

@catsareraining

That is a very helpful post.

Why does it matter if the OP wrote Sch Run and not School Run?

I’m in my 40s and just had a hip replacement. Arthritis in my hip was really painful the last two years and my mobility severely impaired for the last 6/12 months I’ve used crutches. For comparison to your partner - I’m a single parent of two teenagers and held down a full time job. I cooked and cleaned and held it all together by myself. I managed because I had to. He’s opting out because he can. Not fair on you not fair on your kids.

He needs to retrain in something he can do sitting down.
Tell him to start checking out training for September , because you’re not willing to continue to support him.

Tbh I was sceptical about his claims until I read that his swells and has to be drained, then the allergy to medication. That sounds horrendous.

As well as the pain he is probably depressed.

It's a tough situation for you though and nobody here can make your mind up for you.

I hope it has helped to talk about it on here.

Why is this relevant?

After 3 years out of work it could be anxiety holding him back from returning, he would have become comfortable with not having the interactions/expectations/demands of work. He may also worry about his arthritis deteriorating from the preassures of work. Most people do want to work but have something holding them back. As he worked hard for 10 years and left for genuine reasons I wouldn't be jumping to him just being lazy.