He does not want to work

[what2do2donow]

AIBU to think he does not want to work?

Ok he stopped working because of arthritis and he was on sick pay insurance for 3 years (half his monthly salary paid monthly) not enough to look after a family of 4

Yes his leg is not great but I think there are jobs he can still do but refused

His insurance pay is now finished and I said to him to do some sport coaching training so that he can volunteer at our sons running club or football club or just train our son or just to stay active as advised by the doctor but he said he can't do the training because of his leg.

I said take a small customer service remote job he said no

I said do meta blue print training or the Google version online, he said no.

He is home all day everyday watching TV and hasn't missed and football matches in 3 years .

AIBU here? Because, I don't see any reason y he can't find a job to do at all. He is very lazy and would rather wallow in poverty than
get up and work.

Pls can anyone suggest any other job that someone with arthritis (knee) can do?

So - not much. No cleaning, no cooking, no meal planning, no grocery shopping, no mental load. Just watching the telly and school runs. And some errands.

There are non-financial contributions to the household, it isn't necessary for someone to be working and bringing home a wage for them to be pulling their weight. But he's making close to zero contribution, isn't he?

What’s your housing situation?

I would make my financial plans then dump him.

He is always telling me he is trading online. He is and was extremely serious about it months ago but I haven't seen that seriousness lately and he claims to be making some little money from it.
But then I told him he can still get a remote job for income and still do his trading but he refused saying he can't do a remote customer service job.

I thought the problem was that if he had gotten a job, his income protection insurance payment would stop and he does not want to lose free money to getting a job but then he would get about £200 to £300 more if he gets a customer service job and forfeits his income protection insurance
But then, he would most probably not be able to do the sch runs and we live far from the kids sch.

That aside, there are things he can do online for extra income. It is just disgusting to see him not working and watching football all day. And actively looking for ways we can cut expenses which is ridiculous because I refused to do it especially for the kids.

YANBU. Arthritis in the knee, even if very bad, doesn't exclude you from doing a job that involves sitting down. There are lots of those.

I'd bet my bottom dollar that if you left him, he'd find a job sharpish. He just thinks he needn't bother.

Who pays for the football tickets?

Oh wait hang on, he is still getting an insurance pay out? Does it have an end date?

I have one like that. He's leaving next week. Even now he's looking to benefits and has talked about asking his dad for help. There are jobs in McDonalds paying more than he'll get on benefits but no, he couldn't just work to get money. The relief I'm starting to feel now the end is in sight is immense. You know you'll feel the same. What I'm learning is that a partner is supposed to be in a partnership with you, and that means you balance the load between you not defer everything to one because the other is down. I also learned that people with depression will feel bad about not doing things that their partner needs them to do. No such self-awareness here, just an ongoing pity party. Did he contribute more before he went on long term sick? Has he after made you feel looked after/secure/loved? It was a big fat now for me, when I asked myself that.

You dump him, that’s what you do, and get on with your life. What a waste of space.

I have plans and waiting for things to fall into place

I wanna leave with the kids my life would be mush easier but not for the kids because they adore their dad

I also do not like his parenting style at all

Most "online trading" is a scam, and even if he's genuinely doing trading legitimately himself he is highly likely to lose money - you need to know more about what scheme he's got himself into, what platforms he's using, any agents, google the shit about them plus the word Scam to see if it is a scam, and even if it isn't, agree with him how big his pot of money for gambling (which is what it is) is. Which I would set pretty fucking low, because I'd bet money(!) on him net losing money, and that's family money that should be supporting his struggling family. I don't blame you for getting your ducks in a row to leave.

@what2do2donow

Do you rent? Privately? Housing Ass? Or Council?

Do you own?

Whose name is on tenancy or deeds?

physiotherapist here. We do a programme called GLA:D - Good Living with Arthritis from Denmark. It sounds similar to what @Happyher did through her gym. An exercise programme with a home follow up. I'm sure your local NHS has similar. We have very positive results.

As a rule of thumb, on a scale of 0-10, if your pain is below 5, continue with your exercise. 6-10 rest. Your partner has gamed the system and, to me, fraudulently claimed he 'couldn't' work whereas he really 'wouldn't' work. Mild to moderate arthritis is manageable and people are in all sorts of jobs with it.

BTW can't you lose money too with online trading? I'd be giving this man an ultimatum - job or leave, immediately.

Firstly there is no such thing as a common law husband.. That's positive as you don't need to divorce
Many people with disabilities work obviously sports coaching is not the best plan but he could do a desk job or anything really
He may have Arthritis but his main diagnosis is lazy- itis

So He knew his money was coming to an end and he made no plans going forward to work, re-train, look for jobs, volunteer (to get experience) etc?

Sorry, you gave a cocklodger on your hands.

A friend has absolutely crippling arthritis but he worked FT until recent retirement and swam most days to help. He also engages with medical professionals re drugs etc to manage his condition.
Sorry to say your other half is opting out of finding some work that can be managed with arthritis. Ultimatum time!

I am 95% sure he is doing the trading himself

It's not at all unreasonable to expect him to work if he has an arthritic knee. My DH has a chronic autoimmune illness which causes severe fatigue and other random bouts of illness that are strange and unpredicatble. He still works 4 days a week from home as a software developer. It tires him out a lot, but he does it because he wants financial stability. And because he'd be bored out of his mind doing nothing but watching tv. He also does approx. half of the household tasks, especially the admin ones like arranging insurance renewals, etc.

We both WFH, sitting down much of the day. There's really no excuse at all that your partner can't do something. If you move out, he'll be forced to pull himself together.

When I move out, he will probably go on benefits and he wouldn't mind if he would be living hand to mouth because he's got arthritis 🙄

I have to say I have a neurological disorder that's got no cure and hard and Infact got all the medical papers that I can use has evidence not to work and I was even told not to complete my degree but I did and even went on to do masters and started working all before his eyes

Is there any reason you write sch run instead of school run?

There is no point in people suggesting jobs he can do. You said it yourself, he's lazy and doesn't want to work. His leg doesn't prevent him from doing a customer service job remotely, he would just rather sit home and watch TV while you support the family.

"He's in his mid 40's and only worked low paid jobs for about 10 years only before the arthritis

The knee is not great and swollen and sometimes needs to be drained. The only medication that worked almost killed him due of severe allergy that for him hospitalised for almost a week 2 years ago." *

In fairness, his knee sounds pretty bad - is he in pain on a daily basis? Is he on daily painkillers which could affect his ability to concentrate/stay awake/work at a screen?

And you say he's only ever done "low paid jobs" previously - does that mean he was a manual worker? What transferable skills does he have for a desk/office job? Can he sit at a desk for long periods - sounds daft but it's not the same as sitting on a sofa and some people with arthritis can't manage desk jobs for this reason.

I used to work as a health claims assessor for an insurance company and whether someone can work can be a lot more complex than it first seems.

I'm not defending him, all I'm saying is there's a lot of missing information here.

But separately, the OP seems really unhappy with him - this sounds more like the nail in the coffin, rather than the entire issue.

I've done this programme as well. It's great and physiotherapists will all tell you that with arthritis and other painful conditions, you need to stay active, so this guy needs to get up off his backside and find a job that makes him active, along with doing his share in the house.

Sitting in front of the telly all day is the worst thing he can do.

@what2do2donow
I think your plan to move out with the children and leave him to it is a good one.
But bear in mind he might respond by getting a job to try and lure you back (as soon as he gets you back he will give up the job). Whatever you do stand firm and don't go back. He thinks he should be a kept man, please don't carry on being his slave.

Are you in the UK? Sounds more like Aus if he is your common-law husband, and he is getting his insurance rather than benefits (very unusual to have income protection insurance if you are doing manual jobs on minimum wage)

Either way I would split, but the process if going to be different if you are in a country where common law spouses are a legal entity

He sounds like what Mumsnet would call a cock lodger. Although I do appreciate he has health issues.

My brother is like this (without the health issues). He just doesn't work/contribute. With him I suspect some neurodivergence at play or anxiety. But anyway....

It is not fair for you to carry the burden. I consider it a type of financial abuse when one partner willfully doesn't work (without it being agreed between partners or for good reason.)

There is no such thing as a common law partner, he’s a boyfriend/partner unless you have a civil partnership
He can consider Call centre or online working from home
who'll do schoolrun if you both work?. You can get a childminder. Help to do school run?