Father of the bride situation

[Mamabear487]

So long story short. My parents divorced when I was a toddler now I’m my early 30s with a 7&3 year old. Dad was in and out of our lives maybe saw him once a year via a contact center until we got older (a whole other story). He never paid child maintenance, lived 3 hours away. Mum met her current husband when I was 9. We moved a further 2 hours away so total of 5 hours distance but still saw him maybe 1 or 2 times a year throughout my teens. There’s so much more to the story but the point is my dad has never really made an effort. Not with my kids either he has met my youngest 2 times since he was born And that’s only because he was working close by and popped in for an hour.

anyway when I told him I was engaged I was absolutely gob smacked he sent me 2k for my wedding dress. Bear in mind he wouldn’t buy my child (his first grandchild) a £5 bucket and spade so you get the gist of how tight he is with money. So in March when he announced he would like to pay for me and my kids and sister on an aborad all inclusive holiday I didn’t believe him. We just came back from said holiday and he was absolutely fine until day 4. Wasn’t interested in anyone but himself we paid for dinner that cost us £250 for everyone walked off he didn’t even say thank you. Complained my child was having fun jumping in the pool (normal child behaviour having fun nothing OTT).

he assumed he would be walking me down the aisle. I don’t want him to I could absolutely not think of anything more awkward. But I don’t know how to tell him. I really love my step dad, he’s made such an effort over the years, was there through my crappy teenage years when I was horrible to him, helped me when I was younger with credit card debt, helped us with a house deposit, texts me all the time to check on us and the kids. He’s just the one I want to give me away. My dad texts maybe once every 3 months and it is never to ask about us or the kids it’s usually to let us know the latest holiday he’s booked or thing he’s bought. I just don’t know what to do. He obviously has to be there but wouldn’t not be so weird he’s just sat in the crowed while someone else gives me away? And to add he said he doesn’t want to do the dad speech which I said it’s fine my step dad wants to do it anyway. Just don’t know how to approach it or AIBU and just get on with it?

It’s your wedding day, you do what you want. Do you want your stepdad to walk you down the aisle?

Why not consider an alternative - many brides now have their mum walk them down the aisle, or even walk down by themselves.

Your mum has been The most stable person in your life by the sounds of it - why not ask her?

Why does he "obviously have to be there"? He's taken little or no interest in you or your life this far. I wouldn't even invite him. I would be interested to know how your mother feels about it too.

I was in a similar situation. My step dad assumed my dad wpuld walk me down the aisle so we all went along with it. With my step dad making a toast and "grace" at the wedding breakfast

I bitterly regret not having my step dad. (Im sure he didnt care a jot tbh)

Speak to your step dad see what his views are

Could you have neither of them and have a friend or your mum?

What about have him walk you briefly, and your step dad the most of the way?

I would definitely have your mum walk you down the aisle.

I would also stop accepting things from your dad. It sounds like you feel he 'has' to be part of your life, but he really doesn't.

I too would have your mum if that felt right, or your step father.

There is no way I would be having your sperms donor father, not a chance.

Walk yourself or walk with your mum. Or walk together with your fiancé.

Meant to quote the suggestion that father starts the walk and stepfather takes over…

I mean that would be representative but very awkward.
I’d ask your mum in this situation.

Tricky. In your position I simply wouldn't be given away but I can understand if you want to be. In which case I think you need to have a conversation with your dad asap and be prepared for him to want money back etc.

Do what you think you'll look back on with the greatest feeling of content.

In your shoes I'd mix and match

DMum to walk down the aisle
DSDad to do the father of the bride speech (or replace it with you speaking for yourself)
D(absent)Dad to do a reading or be an usher, so he's got a role

It might be nice for you to walk down the aisle with your DC.

Why not have your mum do it? Step dad does the speech. And your father witnesses the register. Find some role for your father if you want him in your life, but he does not get to dictate what that role is. Have you considered not having anyone “give you away”?

Would your dad be happy to be a witness perhaps?

This is what I'd do.

I would pick your mum in this situation. She’s been the consistent parental presence in your life, and it avoids any awkwardness. Then your step dad can do the father of the bride speech, which is a lovely moment for him, but doesn’t cause awkwardness because your bio dad doesn’t want to do it anyway.

I would have your step dad walk you down the aisle. Your real dad hasn't been there much for you, I would invite bio dad but let your step dad be the main man so to speak

I wouldn’t invite him either, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have even told him about the wedding.

Your stepfather is your father, though. Why should you get your DM to walk you unless you and she ( and DSF) want to .

The other bloke is just the sperm donor , and from your post it sounds as if he is quite likely to want to make your wedding all about him/ cause some sort of scene. It’s a pity you told him about it at all, tbh.

My dd has similar relationship with her father. She wants me to walk her down aisle as I’m the one who raised her.
You could walk down yourself? Or with your son?
But in your case cause your step dad has been so close in your life I would ask him

I find the concept of being given away so weird and dated, but accept many women still want it. So, in this case I’d be telling him he already gave you away years ago and you want your stepdad to do it.

I’d also stop taking his money for dresses and holidays. It clearly comes with expectations so just cut that off then you can please yourself.

Did you accept the £2k for the dress, OP? Hopefully you didn't. But, if you did, that puts you on slightly shaky ground altho, in theory, you can have anyone you like to walk you down the aisle.

Or, as a modern independent woman, reflect on the fact that you are not anyone's property to give away! Walk down the aisle solo and proud....job done.

I would definitely have either your mum or step dad. If your son was a bit older I would say have him.

You don't owe your dad anything.

Who do you want?

Then go with that.

Close your eyes and who is standing by your side whilst you walk down the aisle?

This!

I think my mum would feel uncomfortable if she saw my barely-there Dad walk me down the aisle. She wouldn't ever say it but it would be written all over her face and I'd never forget that I think. I'd definitely be seeking out her face as I walked up the aisle anyway, and I'd feel so much more confident with her holding my hand walking up the aisle.

Stepdad would be honoured to do a speech as he's been there throughout too. Bio dad would get an invite and would sit on a table of relatives, not the top table.

My mum had her step-dad walk her down the aisle in the 70s. He was the person who was there who was 'dad' her father was largely absent (similar story).

Who do you want to walk you down the aisle?