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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Father of the bride situation

190 replies

Mamabear487 · 09/08/2024 10:19

So long story short. My parents divorced when I was a toddler now I’m my early 30s with a 7&3 year old. Dad was in and out of our lives maybe saw him once a year via a contact center until we got older (a whole other story). He never paid child maintenance, lived 3 hours away. Mum met her current husband when I was 9. We moved a further 2 hours away so total of 5 hours distance but still saw him maybe 1 or 2 times a year throughout my teens. There’s so much more to the story but the point is my dad has never really made an effort. Not with my kids either he has met my youngest 2 times since he was born And that’s only because he was working close by and popped in for an hour.

anyway when I told him I was engaged I was absolutely gob smacked he sent me 2k for my wedding dress. Bear in mind he wouldn’t buy my child (his first grandchild) a £5 bucket and spade so you get the gist of how tight he is with money. So in March when he announced he would like to pay for me and my kids and sister on an aborad all inclusive holiday I didn’t believe him. We just came back from said holiday and he was absolutely fine until day 4. Wasn’t interested in anyone but himself we paid for dinner that cost us £250 for everyone walked off he didn’t even say thank you. Complained my child was having fun jumping in the pool (normal child behaviour having fun nothing OTT).

he assumed he would be walking me down the aisle. I don’t want him to I could absolutely not think of anything more awkward. But I don’t know how to tell him. I really love my step dad, he’s made such an effort over the years, was there through my crappy teenage years when I was horrible to him, helped me when I was younger with credit card debt, helped us with a house deposit, texts me all the time to check on us and the kids. He’s just the one I want to give me away. My dad texts maybe once every 3 months and it is never to ask about us or the kids it’s usually to let us know the latest holiday he’s booked or thing he’s bought. I just don’t know what to do. He obviously has to be there but wouldn’t not be so weird he’s just sat in the crowed while someone else gives me away? And to add he said he doesn’t want to do the dad speech which I said it’s fine my step dad wants to do it anyway. Just don’t know how to approach it or AIBU and just get on with it?

OP posts:
SussexLass87 · 11/08/2024 07:53

mamabird2984 · 10/08/2024 23:22

Different scenario but my dad died when I was a teenager and I never had a step dad, and I get married next month so we’ve also been thinking about wedding traditions recently too. I thought I’d ask my mum to walk me down the aisle but that didn’t feel right either and I was getting really stressed out about it all - eventually we settled on just entering together, as partners, with our children going ahead of us with our bridesmaids. I feel so much happier entering together and can’t believe I hadn’t thought of it before, so blinded was I by tradition and expectation. Is this something you could consider? Walking with your mum or your children or with your husband to be? :)

This is a great idea!

Sapphire387 · 11/08/2024 08:05

OP, you keep saying you're being nice but you're not... you're not being nice to yourself by ignoring your feelings for the benefit of this man.

He's been a shit 'dad' - he's really just a sperm donor. You owe him nothing.

Sharptonguedwoman · 11/08/2024 08:24

Honestly, you're an adult. Walk yourself down the aisle and I mean this kindly. If you love your stepdad, find another way for him to be involved. Gan he do a speech?

Soontobe60 · 11/08/2024 08:30

Giving the bride away is quite an out dated thing these days - it stems from the days when a girl was owned by her father, then ownership was handed over to her husband when she married. In some countries, this is still the case.
Knowing the reason for some traditions makes it easier to decide not to carry on with that tradition.
Walk down the aisle with your children / bridesmaids / mum or by yourself.

rookiemere · 11/08/2024 08:42

It's unfortunate you accepted the £2k, as it was a rather obvious bribe to insert himself into the wedding party.
Can you give it back ?

Nicebloomers · 11/08/2024 08:52

Walk yourself down the aisle. Being ‘given away’ by a man is not relevant in this day and age.

chickencat5 · 11/08/2024 08:54

I had this. Father in and out of my life. Mum not always the stable one, but my step father is my rock. I'm proud to be his daughter and don't hide it. He supports my relationship with or without my father. My wedding day it was my step father or no one. Both mum and Dad were hurt but respected me. I needed my father in that moment, the man who has loved me unconditionally for most of my life and they both respected my choice

RedToothBrush · 11/08/2024 09:41

I got married in a country where the tradition is the bride and groom walk down the aisle together. No giving away.

We were asked if we wanted to do this. So we did as we liked the idea.

Do this. Dress it as the modern trend in an equal society.

Solves a lot of the drama as it's more difficult to argue with without sounding like an overbearing sexist dinosaur...

ChoccieCornflake · 11/08/2024 09:47

Why even invite him? You don't have to you know, and given everything he's done, I can't imagine why you would other than a sense of obligation. Sod that. Your stepdad on the other hand sounds fab. Have him walk you down the aisle.

Ellen1990 · 14/08/2024 07:19

Why is it awkward? For someone to walk you down the aisle you have to ask them.. it’s not expected.. my dad got his invite for my wedding and told me he couldn’t get it off work.. (my auntie works same place and managed to) so my dad didn’t even turn up.. probably bcoz I didn’t ask him to walk me down the aisle.. why would I though my daughter was nearly 2 and he’d never met her… he was in my life till I was 18 then got a new gf and never bothered.

Padz · 14/08/2024 07:38

My girls are going to have this exact problem and their bio dad will also have a childish hissy fit!
You will regret not doing what you want.
Could your mum have a word with him for you?

MamaBear4ever · 14/08/2024 07:38

Choose the person you want. The money your dad is now throwing at you is for years of neglect and non maintenance payments, don't conflate that with him paying his way into your wedding. Have a fabulous day when it comes

Lollypop701 · 14/08/2024 07:42

You know what you have to do. Get the 2k ready, tell your father step dad is walking down isle and speech. If he loves you he will respect your decision. If he kicks up a fuss tell home and his money to bugger off. That he doesn’t get to buy the position of dad … it involves 20 years of actual parenting.

or don’t… and regret it every time you think of your wedding. Every time you look at wedding video and look at photos. Every. Single. Time

one last thing, if you won’t do it for you will you do it for your step dad… he wants to do it it is respecting you. Who would you rather hurt

StormingNorman · 14/08/2024 07:44

You already have kids and a home with your fiancée so why not walk down the aisle together?

All the giving away business is quite silly these days.

Loloj · 14/08/2024 07:46

I don’t like the whole being “given away” thing. I have a good relationship with my dad but he’s not walking me down the aisle - my 11 year old son is. It feels right considering my fiance has been in his life since he was 18 months old. I hope my dad isn’t offended.

katyb84 · 14/08/2024 07:47

Itsallok · 09/08/2024 10:50

I didn't have anyone give me away or walk me down an aisle. Why do women still do this anyway? Tradition? And you wsnder why husbands expect you to do what they say. You have been given to them by another male. The gig is up. You aren't a virgin. You have two kids. Why are you pretending to be s blushing bride? Pathetic

Nasty nasty person , your need to bring someone down shows who you are .

i had my mum walk me down the isle , she didn’t give me away she wasn’t asked the normal who gives the bride away , she just accompanied me down the isle as I have anxiety and would’ve been a mess or probably ran down that isle , you have to do what is right and best for you , I never invited my ‘father’ and never bothered with the step father (good job as they broke up on my wedding day ) it was only ever my mum that was asked and was wanted . Its not about anyone else just you and your partner .

Lollypop701 · 14/08/2024 07:52

I don’t think of it as giving away, more your family celebrating you/ passing you over to on a new part of your life.

Plantbasting · 14/08/2024 08:08

Lamelie · 09/08/2024 10:25

Meant to quote the suggestion that father starts the walk and stepfather takes over…

I mean that would be representative but very awkward.
I’d ask your mum in this situation.

Edited

I once attended a wedding once where this happened. Both dads went into the bridal room for the first look too! It went just fine and everyone understood.

OpizpuHeuvHiyo · 14/08/2024 08:08

It has to be what makes you happy.

Is your dad able it interact civilly with your mum and stepdad?

I have been at weddings where the bride is walked up the aisle by both dad and stepdad one each side. Others where dad walked with the bride for the first half of the aisle, where stepdad waited half way up and took over for the 2nd half.

If your dad would cooperate with something like this then work out a way to include both of them - it's fine to give your stepdad primacy e.g. have him do more of the aisle, he is the one on the top table doing the speech etc.

If your dad makes any kind of fuss you don't have to include him at all.

DodoTired · 14/08/2024 08:10

I had a similar issue. Unfortunately my lovely step dad died by the time I got married:(
I didn’t even invite my bio dad and my mum walked me down the aisle

TheMamaYo · 14/08/2024 08:24

It sounds as if your stepdad deserves that honour. However, you could ask your bio dad to walk you from the weddings car to the church. It gives him photo opportunities and gets him involved. But your stepdad will be beside you where it matters. As he should be.

Candystore22 · 14/08/2024 08:43

The person to walk you down the aisle should be the person who was an actual parent for you, who is there for you through thick and thin.

Candystore22 · 14/08/2024 08:46

Have to add, I also love the suggestions of walking yourself down the aisle or walking in as a couple (or maybe just you and the children?).
Whatever you do, make sure to show your appreciation to your stepdad in some way. He’s the one who deserves the dad title.

Gillypie23 · 14/08/2024 08:50

Just tell him he's not doing it. If he's got an issue with it. His problem.

Clangerslovesoup · 14/08/2024 09:02

I know what you mean about nerves and not wanting to walk in alone - don't do that. I had a fairly informal non-religious wedding but my DH-to-be and I got ready together, travelled to the wedding together and walked in together. It felt like the most natural thing in the world - the whole day was about us being together, after all. You don't need to follow any tradition. Also with parter there with you, you could include your children - less running away potential! Your lovely step dad will still be doing speech etc. You can still make your appreciation for him clear. Best of luck xx