Father of the bride situation

[Mamabear487]

So long story short. My parents divorced when I was a toddler now I’m my early 30s with a 7&3 year old. Dad was in and out of our lives maybe saw him once a year via a contact center until we got older (a whole other story). He never paid child maintenance, lived 3 hours away. Mum met her current husband when I was 9. We moved a further 2 hours away so total of 5 hours distance but still saw him maybe 1 or 2 times a year throughout my teens. There’s so much more to the story but the point is my dad has never really made an effort. Not with my kids either he has met my youngest 2 times since he was born And that’s only because he was working close by and popped in for an hour.

anyway when I told him I was engaged I was absolutely gob smacked he sent me 2k for my wedding dress. Bear in mind he wouldn’t buy my child (his first grandchild) a £5 bucket and spade so you get the gist of how tight he is with money. So in March when he announced he would like to pay for me and my kids and sister on an aborad all inclusive holiday I didn’t believe him. We just came back from said holiday and he was absolutely fine until day 4. Wasn’t interested in anyone but himself we paid for dinner that cost us £250 for everyone walked off he didn’t even say thank you. Complained my child was having fun jumping in the pool (normal child behaviour having fun nothing OTT).

he assumed he would be walking me down the aisle. I don’t want him to I could absolutely not think of anything more awkward. But I don’t know how to tell him. I really love my step dad, he’s made such an effort over the years, was there through my crappy teenage years when I was horrible to him, helped me when I was younger with credit card debt, helped us with a house deposit, texts me all the time to check on us and the kids. He’s just the one I want to give me away. My dad texts maybe once every 3 months and it is never to ask about us or the kids it’s usually to let us know the latest holiday he’s booked or thing he’s bought. I just don’t know what to do. He obviously has to be there but wouldn’t not be so weird he’s just sat in the crowed while someone else gives me away? And to add he said he doesn’t want to do the dad speech which I said it’s fine my step dad wants to do it anyway. Just don’t know how to approach it or AIBU and just get on with it?

As others say, have your mum walk you down the aiske. That’s what my cousin did.. FWIW I had my father walk me down the aisle but didn’t want him to do a speech (various reasons) so had my sister do it

I wouldn't invite him at all. He is a shit dad and has always been a shit dad. I'd walk down the aisle with your mum or solo. Get step dad to do a speech and father daughter dance. Id also return every penny. He can't buy you. It's too little to late.

I'm sure you're capable of walking down the aisle by yourself, you aren't property to be "given away" 🙄

If you really want someone to accompany you, why not choose your mother if she is the one who has been there for you your whole life?

I'd cancel speeches as well just in case he thinks he's doing a father of the bride speech.

Or have bride, groom, best man but no parents.

You can design the wedding you want but you do need to be clear from the start.

As you and your fiancé already have your own little family what about:-

Procession down the aisle so all parents take part-
Mum and step dad
MIL & PIL
Dad (&wife)
Bridesmaids
Your 2 children
You & fiance walk down together

If it is a traditional ceremony, if you are including the line 'who gives this woman to this man' ( or something to that effect- hence the giving away bit) you can say 'I am/ I do'.

I've seen it done and it was lovely.

I had a similar issue, although my Dad isn’t an arsehole. DH and our DC walked down together and then no-one felt left out, or maybe DDad and DSDad both felt equally left out, but it was fair!

That was the other suggestion my mum and step dad made. I know I was hesitant to accept it but the dress money came from my nan technically as she died and my dad got the money and I was close to her. The holiday was more for the kids and I saw it as a chance for him to make an effort which in theory I should have known better.

I didn't have anyone give me away or walk me down an aisle. Why do women still do this anyway? Tradition? And you wsnder why husbands expect you to do what they say. You have been given to them by another male. The gig is up. You aren't a virgin. You have two kids. Why are you pretending to be s blushing bride? Pathetic

I would be petrified to walk down the aisle on my own. I hate being center of attention 😂My partner wanted the big wedding and I agreed to make him happy. He wouldn’t ask for the money back so that’s not an issue.

That’s interesting to hear. I was thinking of just going along with it to keep the peace but I just can’t shake the feeling I would regret not having my step dad do it. My step dad is happy for me to decide he said he would like to but then at the end of the day he understands I also have a bio dad (albeit a crappy one)

Wish I didn’t tbh! I think I’m just to nice and didn’t want any confrontation which I’m now regretting

Thanks! This is how I feel 😅

My partner said this's could be an option but I just get so nervous I would quite like to hold onto someone’s arm and feel I wouldn’t be able to do it with my kids as my youngest is so small he’ll probably run off and I’ll just be stood there thinking wtf do I do now 🤣

What about both of them? Or as pp said your mum

No confrontation needed. Just arrange the wedding as you wish and if your “dad” asks about his role just say “you are a casual guest. I didn’t think you could manage more than that.”

And you can have a big wedding without the bullshit

This sums it up. He definitely isn’t interested in anyone but himself. He will only be going to make it look like he’s a good dad and he will definitely make it about him. Wish I didn’t tell him tbh

😂😂 I wish I had the balls

I'd give him the 2k back for the wedding dress, and ask your step dad to walk you down the isle. Up to you if you want him at the wedding or not, but I would be telling him you don't want him to walk you down the aisle.

The 2k is obviously to buy his way into the wedding.

This was the original plan but my step dad said he would feel awkward and just to have my bio dad and I wanted to respect his feelings. But I don’t want bio dad and it’s all just awkward 😂

I didn’t invite my dad to my wedding (waste of space). I know my mum really wanted to give me away (and would have been cross if I’d asked my step dad) but honestly I felt like that’s such a regressive concept I didn’t want anyone doing it.

DH and I walked into the registry office together, and it was perfect.

As you are close to your stepfather, why do you not explain your dilemma to him, and see what he has to say? He may well say do whatever you want to - but find out whether he would be OK with it if your father walks you down the aisle and then your stepfather makes the speech. I assume they will both have to sit at the top table? And make sure you get photographs with both your father and stepfather, so you can choose which ones you want to put in your album while still being able to send a “diplomatic” photo to your father. I completely understand about the minefield that are weddings with step parents, but since you have accepted both money for a wedding dress and a holiday abroad, I fear you have rather raised your father’s expectations about what should happen at your wedding.

Some people have Step dad walk half way along the isle and then handover to Dad

My hubby is a wedding photographer and we’ve had a few weddings where Step dad walked the bride down the aisle and her dad was a guest.
Another had her Grandad because he’d always been there for her unlike her dad.
Your mum doing it is a good idea.
Top table maybe another problem you may not have thought about, I’d suggest you just have bride & groom with your kids and best man and chief bridesmaid.

I'd start thinking about your top table, and don't have one!

You don't have to have a traditional wedding.

In your case I'd just say to your dad, sorry dad, it's organised, Step dad is doing it.