Father of the bride situation

[Mamabear487]

So long story short. My parents divorced when I was a toddler now I’m my early 30s with a 7&3 year old. Dad was in and out of our lives maybe saw him once a year via a contact center until we got older (a whole other story). He never paid child maintenance, lived 3 hours away. Mum met her current husband when I was 9. We moved a further 2 hours away so total of 5 hours distance but still saw him maybe 1 or 2 times a year throughout my teens. There’s so much more to the story but the point is my dad has never really made an effort. Not with my kids either he has met my youngest 2 times since he was born And that’s only because he was working close by and popped in for an hour.

anyway when I told him I was engaged I was absolutely gob smacked he sent me 2k for my wedding dress. Bear in mind he wouldn’t buy my child (his first grandchild) a £5 bucket and spade so you get the gist of how tight he is with money. So in March when he announced he would like to pay for me and my kids and sister on an aborad all inclusive holiday I didn’t believe him. We just came back from said holiday and he was absolutely fine until day 4. Wasn’t interested in anyone but himself we paid for dinner that cost us £250 for everyone walked off he didn’t even say thank you. Complained my child was having fun jumping in the pool (normal child behaviour having fun nothing OTT).

he assumed he would be walking me down the aisle. I don’t want him to I could absolutely not think of anything more awkward. But I don’t know how to tell him. I really love my step dad, he’s made such an effort over the years, was there through my crappy teenage years when I was horrible to him, helped me when I was younger with credit card debt, helped us with a house deposit, texts me all the time to check on us and the kids. He’s just the one I want to give me away. My dad texts maybe once every 3 months and it is never to ask about us or the kids it’s usually to let us know the latest holiday he’s booked or thing he’s bought. I just don’t know what to do. He obviously has to be there but wouldn’t not be so weird he’s just sat in the crowed while someone else gives me away? And to add he said he doesn’t want to do the dad speech which I said it’s fine my step dad wants to do it anyway. Just don’t know how to approach it or AIBU and just get on with it?

Reading your posts it's like he only started throwing money and holidays at you since, you mentioned marriage?

I hate the giving away tradition and what it represents. Either walk with both parents (mum and step dad), just your mum, or walk yourself. Tell your dad that this feels more appropriate to you.

Why don't you and your DH-to-be walk down the aisle together? That's the way it's often done in Scandinavian countries. That's much more egalitarian as well.

Oh please please follow the wish of @OrwellianTimes and walk down the aisle either alone or better with your DP. We did that 50 years ago and it was almost a scandal! Particularly when I stopped and played a (mercifully short?) tune on the organ! @Mamabear487

It seems like you've been railroaded into having the wedding other ppl want. Your fiance wants a big wedding so thats what you're having, your dad is angling to do father of the bride thing...

Is it too late to replan the day so that it suits You?

Agree its probably best to stop accepting money off your dad.

I would go with mum and step dad, then they are top table which avoids that being a worry. Dad attends as a guest.

Why do you need someone to 'give you away'? You're a grown woman who supports herself and her family. Walk yourself down the aisle.

You reap what you sow and your bio dad really does not deserve to have the privilege of walking you down the aisle.

Loads of good advice here.

your bio dad gave up the right to play the traditional role when he left you. I wonder if you want it in some way hence even considering he was you down the aisle? That young kid hoping everything is ‘as it should be’.

choose your mum and walk tall towards your future

You have made the conversation with your dad so much more difficult by accepting money for your dress and a holiday.

You should have kept the distance you and he had created.

There is always 2 sides to a separation. You had to see Dad in contact centre. Was he not safe to be around? Did you mum make it difficult.to maintain contact?
Was there reasons for his lack of contact?

Maybe it's just his way or maybe there are factors.

It's hard to say but it may well be the biggest slight to have SD give you away, he may already feel SD has had everything he has missed.

Personally I would opt for no one or your children if you don't want your dad to do it. But only you know the situation and you have to do what's best for you

He doesn't just get to 'buy' his way in now OP. Your step dad has been the one whose been beside you when you needed it most and so should be there on your happiest day too. Dad can watch from the seats and if he expects anything more you need to tell him straight why. Be direct though because if you haven't been and your dads been left to think he's doing it it'll hurt him more. So best to nip it in the bud now. And if he disappears again...wellyou know where you stand again then don't you.

Why don't you have your kids walk you down the aisle? Avoids all issues of parents?

I’d have your step dad walk you down the aisle. Your dad is probably trying to buy his spot but it’s not about money. He wasn’t there for many years and you’re not close.

Anyone can be a ‘dad’ all you have to do is have an orgasm then ta darrrr you’re a dad with zero effort needed!!

A father on the other hand is a whole different ball game! Your step dad sounds lovely and more deserving.

I've just come back from a friend's wedding, the rest of our friendship group have been married for 10 years + and were admiring the wedding and just how "them" it felt.

We all agreed that if we had our time again, that none of us would be pushed around by other people's expectations of us. We'd all made compromises, and invited people that we hadn't really wanted there or let people walk over us.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing!

I'm getting from your OP that you've tried, really tried with your Dad over the years and it hasn't been reciprocated.

You deserve the day that you want.

Lots of opinions here so no time to read them all but ….

Who has been a proper dad to you? It’s clearly your step/dad.

Any man can father a child but if takes a real
man to be a dad.

Bite the bullet and have that dear chap who’s been there for you all these years to walk you proudly down the aisle - your step dad.

If I had my time over, I would walk up the aisle on my own. I am no man's property to be given away.

We can all give our opinion as stranger's online but it's also the day you marry the man you love, do what's best for you and your new life.
Either mum or fiancée to walk down the aisle as children do tend to have a mind of their own, if you are worried about them bombing down leaving you in the dust, you have someone with you.

Similar situation to yourself minus the children, got stepdad to go in car and walk me part way, handed me over to bio dad for actual aisle then both had speech at wedding reception.
First dance I had my husband spin me round, then bio dad, then stepdad then back to husband.
Did away with top table, had sweetheart table for me and husband, my in laws had a table, my bio dad and his wife a table, my mum and stepdad a table, all seated with people they knew so no arguments over who sat where etc.
It worked for us, my inlaws were a bit surprised as they expected a more traditional wedding set up but you have to do what works for you and your husband, not what tradition or other's expectations.
Good luck

On a practical note - I think a short, firm text message to your Dad is best. If he replies or tries to call or argue back about it, just ignore and don't engage.

You don't need it to be too wordy or justify your reasons.

"He obviously has to be there"

Does he? I'd have a good long think about that. I'm sure he expects to be invited, but the notion that he 'has to be there' - well, that would be something of a change from the norm, wouldn't it? I know you say you "didn’t want any confrontation which I’m now regretting" - maybe focus on the regret rather than the confrontation-aversion. And give your step-father, the man who actually fathered you, his rightful place by your side. ((hug))

On a practical note - I think a short, firm text message to your Dad is best. If he replies or tries to call or argue back about it, just ignore and don't engage.

You don't need it to be too wordy or justify your reasons. You've got this!

I'd actually just walk myself, or ask my mother who has been there throughout to walk me down the aisle, if I were in your shoes.

You say something like "Dad - I sincerely hope that the money you've spent on the recent trip and towards my wedding dress hasn't been with a vision of walking me down the aisle. I'd be very upset if you thought I could be bought after all of these years. I'm not having anyone walk me down the aisle. I'm doing things differently as I'm not someone's chattle to be handed from one man, my father, to another man, my husband. I'm more independent and I'd like to start off my marriage in the way I'd like to see it continue - as equals. I'm sorry if you have been under some misguided impression that I wanted anyone to walk me down the aisle, I don't."

its not even about the tradition because im not traditional. It’s not even about being given away “like property” i want to walk with someone to calm me down on the day. someone whi can make me laugh and tell me not to overthink it. My mum I love her but she wouldn’t be able to give me that she would just be the same as me 🙈 although from all the replies I will consider her as an option.

He drank alot and did coke. He had a very lavish lifestyle in the limelight for a while working for someone very famous. He wasn’t not safe to be around for me and my sister he was fine. It was my mum he hurt and she would never tell us the full story and avoided it until we pushed it when we were older. She wanted us to make up our own minds about him. She allowed contact. She had the option through court to have cut him out of our life but she didn’t. The lack of contact is because he should never have been a dad. He’s not good at it never has been even with his grandchildren on holiday after 10 minutes he had enough and walked away from the situation each time. He’s also a narcissist 100%

Just to clarify the money situation. I have never accepted anything before now (not that he offered) so I felt like I deserved it. The dress money technically came from my Nan when she passed so I looked at it from that angle. The holiday I originally said no. My sister convinced me to go and give him a chance with us and for him with his grandkids so it was more for them than me. I actually thought he had changed a bit since I last saw him 2 years ago but we got to day 4 and realised he wasn’t going to ever be different. I didn’t just take his money without thinking it through. And to add the holiday money also came from my nans inheritance so technically he’s paid fuck all 🙃