Father of the bride situation

[Mamabear487]

So long story short. My parents divorced when I was a toddler now I’m my early 30s with a 7&3 year old. Dad was in and out of our lives maybe saw him once a year via a contact center until we got older (a whole other story). He never paid child maintenance, lived 3 hours away. Mum met her current husband when I was 9. We moved a further 2 hours away so total of 5 hours distance but still saw him maybe 1 or 2 times a year throughout my teens. There’s so much more to the story but the point is my dad has never really made an effort. Not with my kids either he has met my youngest 2 times since he was born And that’s only because he was working close by and popped in for an hour.

anyway when I told him I was engaged I was absolutely gob smacked he sent me 2k for my wedding dress. Bear in mind he wouldn’t buy my child (his first grandchild) a £5 bucket and spade so you get the gist of how tight he is with money. So in March when he announced he would like to pay for me and my kids and sister on an aborad all inclusive holiday I didn’t believe him. We just came back from said holiday and he was absolutely fine until day 4. Wasn’t interested in anyone but himself we paid for dinner that cost us £250 for everyone walked off he didn’t even say thank you. Complained my child was having fun jumping in the pool (normal child behaviour having fun nothing OTT).

he assumed he would be walking me down the aisle. I don’t want him to I could absolutely not think of anything more awkward. But I don’t know how to tell him. I really love my step dad, he’s made such an effort over the years, was there through my crappy teenage years when I was horrible to him, helped me when I was younger with credit card debt, helped us with a house deposit, texts me all the time to check on us and the kids. He’s just the one I want to give me away. My dad texts maybe once every 3 months and it is never to ask about us or the kids it’s usually to let us know the latest holiday he’s booked or thing he’s bought. I just don’t know what to do. He obviously has to be there but wouldn’t not be so weird he’s just sat in the crowed while someone else gives me away? And to add he said he doesn’t want to do the dad speech which I said it’s fine my step dad wants to do it anyway. Just don’t know how to approach it or AIBU and just get on with it?

I had my children walk me down the aisle too. I felt like my heart really belonged to them, and no one else had the right to 'give me away' to my husband.

Saved all that drama - which I think is very outdated and sexist anyway.

Oh sorry, just read your messages saying you don't think you can walk down the aisle on your own. Sorry but that's very silly. You don't have to do anything. Have a chief bridesmaid to corral the children and just walk down the aisle.

Don’t do something you will regret to satisfy his selfish needs!
You know who’s supported you like a Father should for all these years.
I would tell your Father that your StepDad will be walking you down the aisle and making a speech and let him deal with it.
It’s a day to think of yourself and what you really want. Don’t let his faux generosity cloud your feelings.

It sounds like you want your (step) dad to walk you down the aisle, he wants to walk you down the aisle and (bio) dad has assumed he is walking you down the aisle.
Tell your (bio) dad very clearly he can be a guest at your wedding. He will not be walking you down the aisle. If he is not happy with that decision, you understand if he decides that he won't attend the wedding and that's not a problem.

Have you a brother that would walk you down the aisle? I have been to several weddings where a brother has done this. One had her 2 brothers walk down with her, one on each side. Both brides have divorced/inadquet fathers. Another had her brother walk the main part and her wheelchair bound Dad took over at the altar.

I have also been to a wedding where the bride's grandfather walked her down her father having died some years before and another where an uncle did the same.

Another option is for bride and groom walk down together. Friends of ours did this over 30 years ago (church wedding). The couple each had very complicated step family arrangements and this was the perfect solution.

If you can, why not do away with having an aisle to walk down and just come in from the side? So no need to have someone to hang on to. I didn't want to be the centre of attention or anything traditional. It helped we weren't in a church so easy to arrange chairs with no 'aisle' and I just came in from a side room. Either do this or choose your Stepdad and let BioDad have a tantrum if he wants.

Also stop saying you are "too nice" or the nicer person. You need to accept you are just afraid of your bio Dad's reaction and so not dealing with the situation well. No one 'likes' confrontation unless they are a dram queen or nasty person. It's just some of us are better at not being bullied into doing things we don't want and prepared to stick up for ourselves when necessary.

My uncle walked me down the aisle as he was always there for me growing up. Dad was supposed to be there but sent apologies on the day blaming diarrhoea/ vomiting bug.

Team Stepdad here.
He sounds a loving caring father. He's looked after you so well all these years.
Time to step up and show how much you appreciate all that he has done for you as a parent.

Your bio father is a self centred arse and he is making YOUR wedding all about him. Bin the waste of space off, he's had years to step up to the mark and hasn't.

Celebrate with your mum and SDad. Have a lovely wedding on your terms.

Go for your step dad, 100%. I am married to a man who is step Dad to both my girls. They love him, but I’m fortunate that they have a great relationship with their Dad too. They’re in their 20s now but I think that when the time comes they’ll have a role for both in wedding (Dad will give away, but i’d say SD will be included too). They’re lucky, but from what i’ve garnered (from your posts, and your posts alone) I see that your Dad is a dead duck.

Your mum is like me, fostered and facilitated a relationship with Dad, but he chose not step up to plate.

Giving away a daughter at her wedding is the highest honour, but it’s one that should be earned. I think that honour should go to your dear step dad, but I wish you both the very best whatever you choose x

Id text him and let him know that you have decided to have step dad give you away. You wanted to make sure the communication was very clear on this as you didn't want any misunderstanding.

You are massively going to regret having him. That’s my personal opinion. As someone who hasn’t spoke to her Dad since a teenager, my plan was always to have my uncle who I was very close too, but my mum paid for our wedding, she was still shocked when I asked her. It felt right she’s my day1 my rock and the inly reason I wasn’t having her is because the male role, Was the best decision I made, the comfort was another level. It’s a reward to walk someone down the aisle your earn it, has he earned it? It’s hopefully a once in a lifetime moment, share it with someone who has given you lifetime memories, he’s swooping you can’t be there for the once in a lifetime, and not the hard rock bottom days. Who’s been there for you in those days?

I would say, you can not help that sometimes people in your wedding party are no longer in you life a few years on, so control what you can. If a relationship is already questionable don’t really want to include that person. If you had this relationship with someone else would they be in your wedding party? You wouldn’t have someone you speak to twice a year as a bridesmaid. The memories and photos of your day, dont have someone you don’t want a key part of that. You have to pick carefully, I have family who had friends of a couple of years, as bridesmaid course trouble at the wedding friendship gone - have people around you, you know, you love, you trust, the day goes so quickly, you need people you can rely on.

I was reading this thinking it could have been me who wrote it, our situations are very similar, even down to the point that my dad would’ve hated to do a speech (plus I felt he hardly knew me anyway, compared to my stepdad). I got married 7yrs ago and this subject came up. This is what we done, that worked for us all: My real dad came with me in the car to the venue, that way we had some quiet time together that was private and less awkward than a public show. My stepdad then took over and gave me away, and done the speech. Thankfully my dad was very understanding and he said to me he knew that it would’ve been my stepdad I wanted. Just a suggestion, but hope whatever conclusion you come to, it works for you and causes as little stress and upset as possible. Good luck! X

OP just to remind you this is what you said, I really love my step dad, he’s made such an effort over the years, was there through my crappy teenage years when I was horrible to him, helped me when I was younger with credit card debt, helped us with a house deposit, texts me all the time to check on us and the kids. He’s just the one I want to give me away.

It really doesn't matter if anyone thinks your mum would be great, walking with the kids or inviting King Charles to do it, you have clearly said what you want and that is what matters. Your step dad sounds wonderful, you know he will take your arm and keep you calm, you trust him so trust yourself and go with your own wishes.

Your dad might be hurt and that's sad but although he is your dad he hasn't earned what your step father has.

I hope your dad takes it as well as he can and you have a wonderful day.

The one thing we regret about our wedding is we tried to please everyone. It is you and your partners big day, make sure it is special for the two of you, even if something you do isn’t traditional or how others would do it.

If you want your step dad to walk you down the aisle, then have him walk you down the aisle.

You just have to tell your dad that you would like him to be there (if you do?) but that step dad will be walking you down the aisle. This might not be the best conversation but you need to do it if you want to have what makes you happy on your day.

Whatever you decide I hope you have the best day 😊

Reading your opening post your love for your step-father rings through - he has always been there for you & still is - if you would like someone to walk down the aisle with you choose him - give him that "honour" ( that's how the older generation see it) as he is your Dad

Invite your natural father as a guest

Don't forget that your step-fathers details can also go on your marriage record as well as your natural mum and dad

Ask your DSD to walk you down the aisle pls. It will mean something so special to him. You ‘dad’ doesn’t sound capable of understanding what it really means. You have heard from people who have regretted not asking DSD. Don’t make the same mistake. If it causes some short term hassle with your dad it’s worth it to make the right decision that you can live well with. If he paid for a holiday, so what, sounds like he can afford it. It is probably a teeny tiny faction of what your DSD has spent on you over the years (with love not transaction in mind).

Thank you for the offer.
John (step-dad) will be be escorting me.

NO APOLOGY.
AND NO FURTHER EXPLANATION.

Well, I didn't have a stepdad and my father would sooner eat yak manure than pay for my wedding dress, but I might have writen this post myself. I resolved the walking down the isle issue by having him and my mom walk together (my siblings and I had a bet if they will get all the way down the aisle without either falling out or having another baby). I walked down the aisle on my own, though...

Aren’t you a ray of sunshine. I’m surprised you ended up getting married with that attitude.

If you don’t want to walk down with your mum… why not walk down with your fiancé? You said you weren’t traditional. Walking down together might be quite nice!

its your wedding, do what you want to do. if its your SD you want walking down the aisle then your Bio dad needs to just suck it up doesnt he?

however, you clearly have some kind of relationship with bio dad as you mention holidays and cash gifts.. so maybe your bio-dad thinks theres a relationship there when there really isn't?

we recently went to the wedding of my husbands step daughter. he was the one who raised her when her bio dad was absent, and he has only recently come back into her life. her mum walked her down the aisle, but both her step dad and her bio dad did father of the bride speeches, they both were present for the 'dress reveal'. they didn't have a top table, and they didn't do a father/daughter dance.. in fairness to the bridge and groom, they handled the situation very well all things considered

Reading all the posts, I would walk down with your DSF as he was and is there for you and your DF isn't and hasn't been.

To me, it's about who's given you the most support over the years, which is your DSF as opposed to be nice since they found out about your wedding.

Getting married isn't the same as being 'given away'. We do lots of things that have a tradition behind them but we honestly don't have to. We can make our own traditions.
Put the fairy tale wedding bit on one side and think what you actually want that's meaningful to you.

I never said I wanted a fairytale wedding or it to be 100% traditional. I want someone to walk me down the aisle hence the post!

Fair enough, apologies if I misconstrued.