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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Father of the bride situation

190 replies

Mamabear487 · 09/08/2024 10:19

So long story short. My parents divorced when I was a toddler now I’m my early 30s with a 7&3 year old. Dad was in and out of our lives maybe saw him once a year via a contact center until we got older (a whole other story). He never paid child maintenance, lived 3 hours away. Mum met her current husband when I was 9. We moved a further 2 hours away so total of 5 hours distance but still saw him maybe 1 or 2 times a year throughout my teens. There’s so much more to the story but the point is my dad has never really made an effort. Not with my kids either he has met my youngest 2 times since he was born And that’s only because he was working close by and popped in for an hour.

anyway when I told him I was engaged I was absolutely gob smacked he sent me 2k for my wedding dress. Bear in mind he wouldn’t buy my child (his first grandchild) a £5 bucket and spade so you get the gist of how tight he is with money. So in March when he announced he would like to pay for me and my kids and sister on an aborad all inclusive holiday I didn’t believe him. We just came back from said holiday and he was absolutely fine until day 4. Wasn’t interested in anyone but himself we paid for dinner that cost us £250 for everyone walked off he didn’t even say thank you. Complained my child was having fun jumping in the pool (normal child behaviour having fun nothing OTT).

he assumed he would be walking me down the aisle. I don’t want him to I could absolutely not think of anything more awkward. But I don’t know how to tell him. I really love my step dad, he’s made such an effort over the years, was there through my crappy teenage years when I was horrible to him, helped me when I was younger with credit card debt, helped us with a house deposit, texts me all the time to check on us and the kids. He’s just the one I want to give me away. My dad texts maybe once every 3 months and it is never to ask about us or the kids it’s usually to let us know the latest holiday he’s booked or thing he’s bought. I just don’t know what to do. He obviously has to be there but wouldn’t not be so weird he’s just sat in the crowed while someone else gives me away? And to add he said he doesn’t want to do the dad speech which I said it’s fine my step dad wants to do it anyway. Just don’t know how to approach it or AIBU and just get on with it?

OP posts:
Sfxde24 · 09/08/2024 14:51

Sounds to me like the money is clouding your judgement. He’s given a little bit of time and money at a point in his life where it’s easy for him to do it.
Notably his tiny contribution is for fun things, dress and holiday. He didn't bother for your entire life otherwise. Money to actually feed, house and clothe his own children.
You owe him nothing. Your stepdad sounds wonderful. I know what I would do.

wellington77 · 09/08/2024 14:58

Mamabear487 · 09/08/2024 10:19

So long story short. My parents divorced when I was a toddler now I’m my early 30s with a 7&3 year old. Dad was in and out of our lives maybe saw him once a year via a contact center until we got older (a whole other story). He never paid child maintenance, lived 3 hours away. Mum met her current husband when I was 9. We moved a further 2 hours away so total of 5 hours distance but still saw him maybe 1 or 2 times a year throughout my teens. There’s so much more to the story but the point is my dad has never really made an effort. Not with my kids either he has met my youngest 2 times since he was born And that’s only because he was working close by and popped in for an hour.

anyway when I told him I was engaged I was absolutely gob smacked he sent me 2k for my wedding dress. Bear in mind he wouldn’t buy my child (his first grandchild) a £5 bucket and spade so you get the gist of how tight he is with money. So in March when he announced he would like to pay for me and my kids and sister on an aborad all inclusive holiday I didn’t believe him. We just came back from said holiday and he was absolutely fine until day 4. Wasn’t interested in anyone but himself we paid for dinner that cost us £250 for everyone walked off he didn’t even say thank you. Complained my child was having fun jumping in the pool (normal child behaviour having fun nothing OTT).

he assumed he would be walking me down the aisle. I don’t want him to I could absolutely not think of anything more awkward. But I don’t know how to tell him. I really love my step dad, he’s made such an effort over the years, was there through my crappy teenage years when I was horrible to him, helped me when I was younger with credit card debt, helped us with a house deposit, texts me all the time to check on us and the kids. He’s just the one I want to give me away. My dad texts maybe once every 3 months and it is never to ask about us or the kids it’s usually to let us know the latest holiday he’s booked or thing he’s bought. I just don’t know what to do. He obviously has to be there but wouldn’t not be so weird he’s just sat in the crowed while someone else gives me away? And to add he said he doesn’t want to do the dad speech which I said it’s fine my step dad wants to do it anyway. Just don’t know how to approach it or AIBU and just get on with it?

If you want to be really diplomatic could you get them both to walk you down the aisle?

Cherrysoup · 09/08/2024 14:58

Do what you want and what makes you happy. Who is more important, your step dad or biological? I think step dad given your posts. It sounds like you’d regret not having your step dad. Just mention it casually if biological dad raises it, be all airy ‘Well, obviously, it’s Tony’s duty as he raised me’. No need to labour the point or walk alone/with someone else as pp have mentioned when you want your step dad!

HarrytheHobbit · 09/08/2024 15:00

Your real dad should walk you down the aisle ie your stepdad. He is the one that has cared for you and been there for you. As for the sperm donor why are you even considering his feelings? You need to woman up.

Original poster
Mamabear487 · 09/08/2024 15:07

HarrytheHobbit · 09/08/2024 15:00

Your real dad should walk you down the aisle ie your stepdad. He is the one that has cared for you and been there for you. As for the sperm donor why are you even considering his feelings? You need to woman up.

I know I really do. The funny thing is I do with everyone else in my life. I stand up for myself just with him I can’t seem to but I definitely need to!

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamabear487 · 09/08/2024 15:09

Sfxde24 · 09/08/2024 14:51

Sounds to me like the money is clouding your judgement. He’s given a little bit of time and money at a point in his life where it’s easy for him to do it.
Notably his tiny contribution is for fun things, dress and holiday. He didn't bother for your entire life otherwise. Money to actually feed, house and clothe his own children.
You owe him nothing. Your stepdad sounds wonderful. I know what I would do.

To be honest it’s not even about the money clouding my judgement because I didn’t need it. We have a comfortable life and don’t need handouts. I took it purely because he’s never done anything like that in his life for me and my sister and I felt like I deserved it. The whole thing comes down to me being a nicer person and considering his feelings when really I shouldn’t.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamabear487 · 09/08/2024 15:12

itsmylife7 · 09/08/2024 12:21

Reading your posts it's like he only started throwing money and holidays at you since, you mentioned marriage?

Yep 100% but obviously for his own benefit!

OP posts:
itsmylife7 · 09/08/2024 15:18

Mamabear487 · 09/08/2024 15:12

Yep 100% but obviously for his own benefit!

Show quote history

You know what he's doing then.
The question is are you going to allow this man to bully you ?

AnnaMagnani · 09/08/2024 15:51

In terms of needing support 'walking down the aisle ' unless you are at Westminster Abbey it's very brief.

LookItsMeAgain · 09/08/2024 16:01

Can I add that whether you walk up the aisle by yourself, or on the arm of your stepdad or biodad, as you'll be the bride, the attention will be on you on the day. Bite the bullet and walk yourself down the aisle or have your DH waiting half way up the aisle and you walk the last half together?

Pippatpip · 09/08/2024 16:58

Has he actually said that he is expecting to walk you down the aisle or are you making that assumption? I think wait a little after the dust has settled from the holiday and then write him a letter - on nice paper saying that you love him as your biological father and would like him to have a role in the wedding and would he read the lesson or meet and greet people. Your step father will be walking you down the aisle as a thanks for putting up with you as an awful teen and for steadfastly being there for you through thick and thin. For this, you love him to as a Dad.

I think you need to tackle this soon so if he has a tantrum then he has a tantrum. That is his problem, not yours. Let him get on with it. Either he will huff off so problem solved or accept his role so problem solved.

anywhichone · 09/08/2024 18:52

My girls have this issue. One plans to get married abroad and her dad probably won't come. Other is having her step dad.

Newgirls · 09/08/2024 19:08

Are you secretly hoping we will all say ‘your bio dad sounds like he is sorry and so generous and yes it’s great if he walks you down the aisle’ ?

in your heart is that what you want?

Flossflower · 09/08/2024 19:30

Have who you really want but I have been to a wedding where the bride was walked down the aisle with her father AND her step father

KeirSpoutsTwaddle · 09/08/2024 19:47

Give it a while if you can. Then heave a chat with him that though it was a great trip, he was a stressful on holiday and you want an easier life on your wedding day.

ohthejoys21 · 09/08/2024 22:09

Watching with interest as my dd in same situ- useless disinterested dad who never made an effort V caring, involved step-dad who's brought her up and supported her in every way.

Superstar22 · 09/08/2024 22:14

I would not have your dad I would have your step dad, 💯. He was your father figure. Your dad made his bed and now he lies in it. He should be delighted you’ve had a father figure if he’s any kind of dad. Do not compromise on this, you’ll regret it. And don’t mix and match? Who for? Your dad has let you down he can’t buy his way out with one holiday and a dress. He should have been buying you dresses and holidays for 20 years.

Original poster
Mamabear487 · 10/08/2024 09:48

Newgirls · 09/08/2024 19:08

Are you secretly hoping we will all say ‘your bio dad sounds like he is sorry and so generous and yes it’s great if he walks you down the aisle’ ?

in your heart is that what you want?

No definitely not I wanted to clarify if I was being unreasonable with my feelings

OP posts:
crumblingschools · 10/08/2024 09:55

Could your sister walk down the aisle with you?

honeylulu · 10/08/2024 10:16

Walk down the aisle by yourself. That is what one of my best friends did. Her dad was largely absent from her life and she thought it would be a real slap in the face to her lovely mum to give him a "starring role". (He didn't even come in the end.)

She wasn't asked to justify it but if she had been she was ready to say "I'm an independent adult, I'm going to church to be married by my own free will. I don't need to be given."

To be fair you're in a similar situation, you are a grown up with children of your own. "Giving away" is very feudal and stems from the days when women did not have legal status of their own. They were literally given by their father to their husband. (As you might guess, I was not given away either though I did walk down the aisle with my non-absent dad as my parents are very traditional and that was my compromise.)

Scentsless · 10/08/2024 10:41

Since your father has already said that he doesn't want to do the father of the bride speech, could you not tell him that your step dad will do the speech and by the way, will also walk you down the aisle, but sell it to your father as if it was all his idea, because he doesn't want to do the speech and the two things come as one package?

Commonsense22 · 10/08/2024 10:49

Mamabear487 · 09/08/2024 10:19

So long story short. My parents divorced when I was a toddler now I’m my early 30s with a 7&3 year old. Dad was in and out of our lives maybe saw him once a year via a contact center until we got older (a whole other story). He never paid child maintenance, lived 3 hours away. Mum met her current husband when I was 9. We moved a further 2 hours away so total of 5 hours distance but still saw him maybe 1 or 2 times a year throughout my teens. There’s so much more to the story but the point is my dad has never really made an effort. Not with my kids either he has met my youngest 2 times since he was born And that’s only because he was working close by and popped in for an hour.

anyway when I told him I was engaged I was absolutely gob smacked he sent me 2k for my wedding dress. Bear in mind he wouldn’t buy my child (his first grandchild) a £5 bucket and spade so you get the gist of how tight he is with money. So in March when he announced he would like to pay for me and my kids and sister on an aborad all inclusive holiday I didn’t believe him. We just came back from said holiday and he was absolutely fine until day 4. Wasn’t interested in anyone but himself we paid for dinner that cost us £250 for everyone walked off he didn’t even say thank you. Complained my child was having fun jumping in the pool (normal child behaviour having fun nothing OTT).

he assumed he would be walking me down the aisle. I don’t want him to I could absolutely not think of anything more awkward. But I don’t know how to tell him. I really love my step dad, he’s made such an effort over the years, was there through my crappy teenage years when I was horrible to him, helped me when I was younger with credit card debt, helped us with a house deposit, texts me all the time to check on us and the kids. He’s just the one I want to give me away. My dad texts maybe once every 3 months and it is never to ask about us or the kids it’s usually to let us know the latest holiday he’s booked or thing he’s bought. I just don’t know what to do. He obviously has to be there but wouldn’t not be so weird he’s just sat in the crowed while someone else gives me away? And to add he said he doesn’t want to do the dad speech which I said it’s fine my step dad wants to do it anyway. Just don’t know how to approach it or AIBU and just get on with it?

Don't walk down with anyone, or could a sibling do it?

mamabird2984 · 10/08/2024 23:22

Different scenario but my dad died when I was a teenager and I never had a step dad, and I get married next month so we’ve also been thinking about wedding traditions recently too. I thought I’d ask my mum to walk me down the aisle but that didn’t feel right either and I was getting really stressed out about it all - eventually we settled on just entering together, as partners, with our children going ahead of us with our bridesmaids. I feel so much happier entering together and can’t believe I hadn’t thought of it before, so blinded was I by tradition and expectation. Is this something you could consider? Walking with your mum or your children or with your husband to be? :)

Stephenra · 10/08/2024 23:56

Afraid i see the two large for the wedding dress as a 'buy in' for the Father of the Bride position. That he somehow considers this recompense for years of absence rather unfortunate

Sarahzb · 11/08/2024 01:17

Do you think he can pay to insert himself?

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