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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Father of the bride situation

190 replies

Mamabear487 · 09/08/2024 10:19

So long story short. My parents divorced when I was a toddler now I’m my early 30s with a 7&3 year old. Dad was in and out of our lives maybe saw him once a year via a contact center until we got older (a whole other story). He never paid child maintenance, lived 3 hours away. Mum met her current husband when I was 9. We moved a further 2 hours away so total of 5 hours distance but still saw him maybe 1 or 2 times a year throughout my teens. There’s so much more to the story but the point is my dad has never really made an effort. Not with my kids either he has met my youngest 2 times since he was born And that’s only because he was working close by and popped in for an hour.

anyway when I told him I was engaged I was absolutely gob smacked he sent me 2k for my wedding dress. Bear in mind he wouldn’t buy my child (his first grandchild) a £5 bucket and spade so you get the gist of how tight he is with money. So in March when he announced he would like to pay for me and my kids and sister on an aborad all inclusive holiday I didn’t believe him. We just came back from said holiday and he was absolutely fine until day 4. Wasn’t interested in anyone but himself we paid for dinner that cost us £250 for everyone walked off he didn’t even say thank you. Complained my child was having fun jumping in the pool (normal child behaviour having fun nothing OTT).

he assumed he would be walking me down the aisle. I don’t want him to I could absolutely not think of anything more awkward. But I don’t know how to tell him. I really love my step dad, he’s made such an effort over the years, was there through my crappy teenage years when I was horrible to him, helped me when I was younger with credit card debt, helped us with a house deposit, texts me all the time to check on us and the kids. He’s just the one I want to give me away. My dad texts maybe once every 3 months and it is never to ask about us or the kids it’s usually to let us know the latest holiday he’s booked or thing he’s bought. I just don’t know what to do. He obviously has to be there but wouldn’t not be so weird he’s just sat in the crowed while someone else gives me away? And to add he said he doesn’t want to do the dad speech which I said it’s fine my step dad wants to do it anyway. Just don’t know how to approach it or AIBU and just get on with it?

OP posts:
Flossyts · 09/08/2024 11:19

OrwellianTimes · 09/08/2024 10:22

It’s your wedding day, you do what you want. Do you want your stepdad to walk you down the aisle?

Why not consider an alternative - many brides now have their mum walk them down the aisle, or even walk down by themselves.

Your mum has been The most stable person in your life by the sounds of it - why not ask her?

This - or even your kids?

Richard1985 · 09/08/2024 11:19

Yes, I would agree that Mum is the obvious answer to this dilemma. Assuming that relationship is good

spiderplant56 · 09/08/2024 11:21

I had similar issues around my wedding.

My dad isn't a bad guy just never really made much effort! Everything was very tick box!
In the end I couldn't do it to him so he walked me down the aisle and my step dad was kind of an MC for the speeches.

In hindsight I wish I'd asked my mum to do it. Don't know why I didn't think of it at the time but she def deserved to be the one to do it!

spiderplant56 · 09/08/2024 11:21

Oh and our top table was just the two of us.

ShinyNewMe · 09/08/2024 11:21

Walk yourself or walk with your mum. Or walk together with your fiancé

This. Both my daughters and a few other people I know walked down the aisle together with the groom. None of them liked being 'given away' like a personal possession. Obviously, nobody does, but they had the courage to go against tradition. Dh might have been a bit disappointed but assures us all he wasn't. He still got to do a long, interminable speech so that prob made up for it.

BubblePerm · 09/08/2024 11:30

You want to walk down the aisle with your stepdad.
To make this happen smoothly, you need to tell your dad. A text is fine as he has never prioritised you.
Then, prepare for the reaction. It would be up to him to phone and have the awkward conversation.
He might not like your decision, but honestly, you are a grown woman, it's your wedding, your decision; what's he going to do?
Kick off?
Put the phone down. You don't owe an audience to his temper tantrum as he certainly wasn't there when you were doing the same as a child.
He can't do anything to you, only react.
You would regret not having your stepdad do this and you dad take a place that he has not earned.
It's simply not his place and it would feel so wrong to you on the day.
Do what you want. Your dad might be a bit upset, but he needs to suck this one up or not attend. He gets the chance to decide when you tell him before the wedding.

Ponoka7 · 09/08/2024 11:34

With decisions like this most people fear the offended relative going NC and the family siding with them. It sounds as though you have nothing to fear. Ask the man who has been there for you throughout. If the shit hit the fan in your life, or a car crash killed you or your DH, who would step up for your children?

BlueSkyMoth · 09/08/2024 11:44

I was in a similar position, though my dad and I became closer once I left uni, and he's always taken an interest in the grandkids, but still - he wasn't around much during my childhood (maybe saw him a few times a year). My stepdad turned up when I was 9, and is great.

So, for my wedding, my dad did one of the readings, my step dad did a speech at the meal, and I walked myself down the aisle - well, it was a registry office, and DH and I walked in together. Tbh I think the 'giving away' thing is really cringey and outdated anyway... I think my dad may have been a little hurt, but I did what I felt comfortable with, and my opinion is - you make your bed, then you lie in it. Do what you want, it's your day.

twomanyfrogsinabox · 09/08/2024 11:45

Just tell your dad that your stepdad is giving you away. Tell him this has been the plan for years and it had never occurred to you that your dad would be available or that he would want to and it's too late to change your history together now.

Original poster
Mamabear487 · 09/08/2024 11:51

IggyAce · 09/08/2024 11:10

My hubby is a wedding photographer and we’ve had a few weddings where Step dad walked the bride down the aisle and her dad was a guest.
Another had her Grandad because he’d always been there for her unlike her dad.
Your mum doing it is a good idea.
Top table maybe another problem you may not have thought about, I’d suggest you just have bride & groom with your kids and best man and chief bridesmaid.

100% this is the top table arrangement anyway. We both have parents and step parents so way to many for the top table. Would be chaos

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamabear487 · 09/08/2024 11:53

Ponoka7 · 09/08/2024 11:34

With decisions like this most people fear the offended relative going NC and the family siding with them. It sounds as though you have nothing to fear. Ask the man who has been there for you throughout. If the shit hit the fan in your life, or a car crash killed you or your DH, who would step up for your children?

Not my dad that’s for sure! 100% my step dad he would do anything for my kids as much as his own grandchildren

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamabear487 · 09/08/2024 11:55

Mamabear487 · 09/08/2024 11:53

Not my dad that’s for sure! 100% my step dad he would do anything for my kids as much as his own grandchildren

Show quote history

And I think you’re right about the NC. I would just feel bad because my sister would be stuck in the middle. I would rather he just didn’t bother but instead does minimal which is just enough so he has a say in my life which is irrelevant to me. He’s definitely a narcissist

OP posts:
ShakeUpYourTiredEyes · 09/08/2024 11:56

I had my mum walk me down the aisle. She's been there forever and always been a constant in my life. I've had my step dad but it was my mum who I wanted to give me away xxxx

Original poster
Mamabear487 · 09/08/2024 11:58

BubblePerm · 09/08/2024 11:30

You want to walk down the aisle with your stepdad.
To make this happen smoothly, you need to tell your dad. A text is fine as he has never prioritised you.
Then, prepare for the reaction. It would be up to him to phone and have the awkward conversation.
He might not like your decision, but honestly, you are a grown woman, it's your wedding, your decision; what's he going to do?
Kick off?
Put the phone down. You don't owe an audience to his temper tantrum as he certainly wasn't there when you were doing the same as a child.
He can't do anything to you, only react.
You would regret not having your stepdad do this and you dad take a place that he has not earned.
It's simply not his place and it would feel so wrong to you on the day.
Do what you want. Your dad might be a bit upset, but he needs to suck this one up or not attend. He gets the chance to decide when you tell him before the wedding.

This is what I’m worried about his temper tantrum and reaction as he had one on holiday over the smallest thing. I’m not really the sort of person who likes confrontation so I avoid it but I can’t with this

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 09/08/2024 12:00

Its your decision, I didn't even tell my father I was getting married and my brother walked me down the aisle.
But stop taking money from him as well

BloodyAdultDC · 09/08/2024 12:00

I walked myself down the aisle. A friend walked with her dc. Another friend with her mum.

The £2k came from your grandma, that was no 'generous gesture's by your dad!

My only question is, is he going to see the holiday as an 'in' to your wedding? He's buying himself a place, a role, when he's not been a father in any sense of the word. Would you invite him if he was just someone you knew from the pub? I suspect not.

If you insist on being walked down the aisle (hardly sticking to any sort of tradition if you already have kids 😁) then ask the man who has actually been there with you through thick and thin. If your dad objects then tough titty.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 09/08/2024 12:03

I don't know if anyone has already suggested this, but why don't you and your husband to be walk down the aisle together? Perhaps with your kids, who you then hand over to trusted relatives sitting in the front row?

Thepossibility · 09/08/2024 12:07

I regret having my father walk me down the aisle and I don't even have a lovely stepdad like you.
If I could do it again I would have walked down with DH because we were already living together as partners anyway so no-one was really giving me away.

NotmyfirstRodeomyfriend · 09/08/2024 12:11

I chose my Dad and 15 years later, my stepdad is dead and my Dad and I are no contact.

I'm so sad I didn't choose my stepdad, and regret it constantly. It's an ego thing with Dads like this, for me it's a role that is a privilege to carry out and privileges are earnt. I'm so cross I made the choice I did, just to save myself a tricky conversation with my Dad.

Thisissopainful · 09/08/2024 12:11

I tend to think anyone can be a 'father', but a 'dad' is the one who actually raises you, loves you and is there for you through thick and thin. Your post makes it clear who your 'dad' is and if that's who you want to do it, that's who you ask. The fact he's willing to stand aside rather than cause problems says a lot about him but sounds like it would mean a great deal to him to be the one to walk you down the aisle. The other will just have to accept that as a consequence of earlier failure

caringcarer · 09/08/2024 12:14

It sounds like you have a fantastic step dad who has been there and helped your Mum to bring you up. I'd ask him to walk you down the aisle. Your Dad doesn't want to make a speech anyway. Your Dad can be a guest and help greet the other guest. Your stepdad can thank your Dad for buying your beautiful wedding dress in his speech.

DisforDarkChocolate · 09/08/2024 12:16

Walk down the aisle with your partner.

Your 'Dad' doesn't want everyone to know what a waste of space he is, otherwise there would have been no money and no holiday.

caringcarer · 09/08/2024 12:18

Another alternative would be to have both your Mum & Stepdad walk you down the aisle. One on each side of you. Or even your Dad and Stepdad one on each side.

pinkducky · 09/08/2024 12:19

What is your hesitancy to walking down with your mum? A couple of PPs have mentioned it, and you have acknowledged it, but not said anything to indicate why you haven't made this choice.

It seems obvious to me really because then you don't have the drama. Your dad can't argue or feel replaced by it. You get someone to hold onto during your walk and who better than the only lifelong stable parent you've had?

noctu · 09/08/2024 12:19

I completely get the symbolic nature of it but it's ultimately a few seconds of your whole wedding day. The important bit is your vows to your future husband. I spent so long worrying about aspects of our wedding whilst planning it, and then on the day, it goes so quickly and decisions that seemed so important at the time faded away. Is it worth the heartache and stress, and potential long-term consequences, for the 30 seconds it will take to walk the aisle with your dad/stepdad? Assuming, of course, you don't actually subscribe to the idea of the tradition that you're literally being given to your husband by your father/stepfather, like property?

In your position I'd be asking my mum to walk me down, or I'd walk down with my husband-to-be. Neatly sidestepping the whole dad/stepdad issue. Then look forward to the rest of your married lives together.