To not want his mum’s ring?

[DianaBlackCat]

My boyfriend and me have been discussing getting married. His mum passed away when he was young, and he has mentioned that when he proposes he wants me to have his mum’s engagement ring. As much as I like the sentiment and think it’s a special thing, I am mortified. The ring is really not my style, it’s old fashioned (not in a good way), and a very small diamond. It’s yellow gold solitaire, whereas I would like platinum band and a pear cut diamond. The cost of buying a new ring is not an issue.
More than that, I don’t want the worry of what would happen if it got stolen or lost, as it would be doubly upsetting for him to lose something so sentimental. The combination of me disliking its appearance combined with the worry of losing it, would make me not want to wear it at all. I can’t bear the thought of looking at something every day that just isn’t me.
AIBU? Should I suck it up? Or should I tell him that I would like my own ring?

Just tell him.

Tell him!

Tell him - also suggest maybe one day if you have a daughter she might like it? Might soften the blow - if you are planning children that is!

Could you have the stone made into a piece of jewellery to wear on your wedding day?
Id say tell him but be sensitive about it.

Explain to him that the choice of a ring is a very personal issue and must reflect your personality not someone else, if you are to wear it every day.

Tell him it's a lovely thought but you would feel unable to wear it because you'd be too scared of ruining or losing something so valuable and you'd feel overwhelmed by the responsibility of protecting it and you'd much prefer it goes down the female blood line of the family because it's something that needs to stay in the bloodline over the generations.

I think he'd find it hard to argue with that sentiment.

Tell him. Hopefully you'll have a DD who can inherit it instead, where the bloodline connection will probably mean more.

Would you be ok with him proposing with his Mum's ring but then choosing one to wear everyday?

I think I'd suggest this to him - so the ring is an important part of the event (I can see why it means a lot to him) but you still have something you love.

His Mum might have hated her ring for all he knows (not that I'd say that to him!)

His mum would have wanted her granddaughter to have it. If he wants his mother to feature in the symbols of your marriage, perhaps he could have the stone from mother's ring set into his own wedding band. I agree about the worry of something happening to his mum's ring if you were wearing it every day. It would really prey on my mind.

I would say it's a beautiful thought and you'd be honoured to wear it on your wedding day (if you would) and any other special occasions but you don't feel comfortable with the responsibility of looking after his mum's treasured ring every day and would prefer to have your own for this purpose. If he suggests a replica, say you'd like one that marks the current time you're getting married in and your personal taste.

Just say you don't want to. And if you have a girl it would be nice to have something to pass to her. You couldnt do that if it was something you wear

Don't make it about the size of the diamond!! Just tell him you'd worry about the responsibility therefore you're not willing to do it.

I suggest he gets his Mum's ring made into his own, he could set the diamond into a necklace or a bracelet for you or future children

I agree, tell him.

I always feel sorry for Kate Middleton when I see that sapphire monstrosity of Diana's she wears whereas Meghan got a lovely square cut diamond

This is what I was going to suggest, @Aria20 - or if they have boys, one might want it to give to his fiancée.

Hmm.

DIL has a ring of my grandmother's as an engagement ring. It's a large stone and worth about £9k. I imagine you wouldn't have a problem with that?

Your concerns sound rather materialistic.

Tell him, and tell him now while it's all pie in the sky.

You'll be wearing it every day, so of course you want it to be your style. Tell him you'd rather something to symbolise your marriage than his parents', and that it's too much responsibility to have such an important heirloom.

The ring sounds like a ring I inherited from my grandma; not really my style, but I had the diamond made into a solitaire pendant and used the gold in the ring to offset the cost slightly. The diamond isn’t huge (around 1/3 carat at a guess - maybe slightly smaller) but it looks perfect bezel-set in gold and worn on a thin, gold chain. I wear it every day and layer it with others when I go out. Could you do something like this?

honestly tell him, tell him that it would make better sense to make another something out of it to be an heirloom piece, as this is not the ring you had in mind for an engagement ring, even though you do recognise the sentiment

I have a family ring from my husband's side but we had it completely redesigned- reused the stones and melted and reused the gold. Could you do something like that?

I'd suggest that he gets his wedding ring made out of it.

Yes just be honest and tell him.

Just keep it simple and say you're flattered that he'd think of doing that but you'd like to chose your own ring as you've always had a particular style in mind for example.

If he pushes you can go a bit more into words like 'yellow gold's not really me' or reasons why you don't like it, but avoid that if poss. !

Re: wanting a bigger stone - OP says they can afford it so that's just fine! Why not? Have the ring you want OP.

Could the ring be reset into a more modern design would your fiancé be happy with that idea? I am sure it means a lot to him for you to wear his late mums ring, the Princess of Wales wears her late MIL engagement ring, who could have had the choice of any ring she wanted. But if you don’t want to you need to say it OP, and perhaps choose a new one together.

Yes I think the kind compromise here is he proposes using his mother's ring and you wear it for special occasions, you then choose another ring together for everyday wear. I like PP's idea about having the stone made into a necklace or something if he'd go for that?

I don't think you should use the line though that you're worried about losing or damaging his mum's special ring, if what you really want is a huge expensive sparkly rock, because surely you would be equally worried about damaging that? If that's the case I think you might just have to be honest and say you don't really like his Mum's ring and you really want your own ring the way you want it and be prepared that he might be offended. If you want to use that line I think it'll have to be a slightly more modest ring, a lab grown diamond or a zircona maybe?

I could be your DIL! Similar ring and similar worth (on paper anyway). We had it completely redesigned because everyone agreed the style was very dated. How can an engagement ring not be materialistic?! Just get a piece of string or a daisy chain if that's the case lol.