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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want his mum’s ring?

166 replies

DianaBlackCat · 08/08/2024 14:44

My boyfriend and me have been discussing getting married. His mum passed away when he was young, and he has mentioned that when he proposes he wants me to have his mum’s engagement ring. As much as I like the sentiment and think it’s a special thing, I am mortified. The ring is really not my style, it’s old fashioned (not in a good way), and a very small diamond. It’s yellow gold solitaire, whereas I would like platinum band and a pear cut diamond. The cost of buying a new ring is not an issue.
More than that, I don’t want the worry of what would happen if it got stolen or lost, as it would be doubly upsetting for him to lose something so sentimental. The combination of me disliking its appearance combined with the worry of losing it, would make me not want to wear it at all. I can’t bear the thought of looking at something every day that just isn’t me.
AIBU? Should I suck it up? Or should I tell him that I would like my own ring?

OP posts:
Owl55 · 09/08/2024 23:58

A family member used their parents wedding rings and had them melted down and added more gold to make their own wedding ring , it retains all the sentiment too but makes it special to them

Relaxandunwind · 10/08/2024 00:02

IncompleteSenten · 08/08/2024 14:48

Tell him it's a lovely thought but you would feel unable to wear it because you'd be too scared of ruining or losing something so valuable and you'd feel overwhelmed by the responsibility of protecting it and you'd much prefer it goes down the female blood line of the family because it's something that needs to stay in the bloodline over the generations.

I think he'd find it hard to argue with that sentiment.

This

Atsocta · 10/08/2024 08:04

Tell him that wasn’t bought for you with love, and should remain the love token of his parents and should be kept and eventually past on to any children they may have …

NameChangeAndLifeChange · 10/08/2024 10:43

Simply say that although it's a lovely idea, which you appreciate, unfortunately it's not your style as deep down you've always had your heart set on a certain style.

He'll understand!

Bunny65 · 10/08/2024 18:43

Tell him the truth. You are not obliged to like his mother's ring and if money isn't an issue you should have one that you like. If he can't accept that is he really the one for you? I think it's old-fashioned and distasteful to force ancestral things on people - a bit like the idea that a child has to be named after someone in the family even if the parents don't like the name. It's fine to be sentimental but you can't force your sentiment on someone else. You're not his mother and you should have the ring that brings you joy.

Mountainpika · 10/08/2024 18:49

My son proposed to his wife with my late mother's ring. It fitted perfectly and she loves it. Really treasures it. She never knew my Mum. People are different.

wasieverreallyhere · 10/08/2024 21:02

DianaBlackCat · 08/08/2024 14:44

My boyfriend and me have been discussing getting married. His mum passed away when he was young, and he has mentioned that when he proposes he wants me to have his mum’s engagement ring. As much as I like the sentiment and think it’s a special thing, I am mortified. The ring is really not my style, it’s old fashioned (not in a good way), and a very small diamond. It’s yellow gold solitaire, whereas I would like platinum band and a pear cut diamond. The cost of buying a new ring is not an issue.
More than that, I don’t want the worry of what would happen if it got stolen or lost, as it would be doubly upsetting for him to lose something so sentimental. The combination of me disliking its appearance combined with the worry of losing it, would make me not want to wear it at all. I can’t bear the thought of looking at something every day that just isn’t me.
AIBU? Should I suck it up? Or should I tell him that I would like my own ring?

Thanks for insulting my engagement ring my husband bought me. be grateful yhe cares enough to give it you can up grade later if you want and then say you are worried about it getting damaged it being old

CottonwoolCubes · 10/08/2024 21:10

Why doesn't your DH have it made into his wedding ring, with the diamond on the inner band as a secret diamond.

IsometimeswonderwhoIam · 10/08/2024 22:00

Why don't you suggest he uses the gold to have an engagement or wedding ring made for himself and have the diamond hidden on the inside?

Hereforaglance · 13/08/2024 07:31

The fact u mentioned the size of the diamond u obviously want a bigger diamond and the cost of a new ring not being an issue says you need to look at why you are marrying is it for superficial reasons or real reasons if it is genuine what a ring looks like won't matter if for superficial the ring and the dress are going to take priority over everyone and everything else

Remember a wedding is one day of your life and a piece of paper

Cece54 · 13/08/2024 08:13

I am a yellow gold person, so would HATE to have to wear a white gold ring. Just not my style. You are absolutely not being unreasonable to want an engagement ring of your own style, i.e. platinum, and a bigger diamond !! Why not?? A pp mentioned Meghan Markle got a more modern ring than Kate.... yes, then she still had it remodelled to HER OWN liking!! You'll be wearing it for the rest of your life.... your partner will understand this if you explain. I'm all for the remodeling of it into his wedding ring, or keeping for any future daughter.

Jennalong · 13/08/2024 08:21

My potential mil gave me her engagement ring from her exdh ( widowed - I say potential because we are long term but unwed ) but it is from the late 1950s and not my taste . I said I didn't want it but she insisted , so I told her will keep it for her granddaughter . Could you suggest something like that ?

Nettie1964 · 13/08/2024 09:24

Justcallmebebes · 08/08/2024 15:13

I agree, tell him.

I always feel sorry for Kate Middleton when I see that sapphire monstrosity of Diana's she wears whereas Meghan got a lovely square cut diamond

I think Meghan would have pretty Diana's iconic ring she redesigned her own engagement ring within a year of getting married.

1mabon · 13/08/2024 09:30

Just tell him.

RedRoss86 · 13/08/2024 10:22

yousexybugger · 08/08/2024 14:56

I would say it's a beautiful thought and you'd be honoured to wear it on your wedding day (if you would) and any other special occasions but you don't feel comfortable with the responsibility of looking after his mum's treasured ring every day and would prefer to have your own for this purpose. If he suggests a replica, say you'd like one that marks the current time you're getting married in and your personal taste.

This 👌

Dinkydo12 · 13/08/2024 11:22

You have to be honest otherwise you will get very resentful. Just day it's a lovely thought but as you are not a blood relative maybe put it away for a future daughter or granddaughter. I am currently wearing my MIL solitaire engagement ring. Its very valuable not really my style but she gave it to me ( she is 91) and looks to see if I am wearing it everytime we visit. Wish I had just said no thank you. You could maybe have the ring stiched onto your wedding dress which would perhaps let your boyfriend feel his mum is part of the day.

Vodkamummy · 13/08/2024 11:26

Are you a wearer of typically silver or white gold or even platinum jewellery because this could be your argument, that it would clash with your other jewellery, not everyone likes or wears gold. I prefer silver or white gold personally and my engagement, wedding and eternity ring all are. You can tell him tactfully that it was a lovely ring for your Mum, but rings are a personal thing as with all jewellery and you would like to choose yours as it is a piece that will be worn everyday for the rest of your life.

Thebellofstclements · 13/08/2024 11:42

You need to learn the meaning of "mortified" and when to use it.

Pinkcountrybumpkin · 13/08/2024 12:27

yousexybugger · 08/08/2024 14:56

I would say it's a beautiful thought and you'd be honoured to wear it on your wedding day (if you would) and any other special occasions but you don't feel comfortable with the responsibility of looking after his mum's treasured ring every day and would prefer to have your own for this purpose. If he suggests a replica, say you'd like one that marks the current time you're getting married in and your personal taste.

This is similar to what my husband did, he proposed using my nans engagement ring, ((which actually I love but can’t bear wearing it every day as it’s £££££ and sentimental) then we went together and picked a lovely one that was much cheaper for me to wear every day. I do wear my nans one for special occasions and wore it for our wedding

Original poster
DianaBlackCat · 13/08/2024 12:29

Thebellofstclements · 13/08/2024 11:42

You need to learn the meaning of "mortified" and when to use it.

Are you alright darling?

OP posts:
Original poster
DianaBlackCat · 13/08/2024 12:31

wasieverreallyhere · 10/08/2024 21:02

Thanks for insulting my engagement ring my husband bought me. be grateful yhe cares enough to give it you can up grade later if you want and then say you are worried about it getting damaged it being old

Show quote history

Not insulting anyone, all things are questions of taste — I was just saying it’s not my style. X

OP posts:
Original poster
DianaBlackCat · 13/08/2024 12:43

Just got caught up with everyone’s responses. Thank you for everyone’s kind advice, it’s very validating to hear that most agree I’m not being unreasonable.
For those who said I shouldn’t marry him if I can’t talk to him about this — I wanted to get the opinions of others about how to deal with this sensitively, before I go ahead and tell him, as it’s sentimental. When the time is right, I will tell him how I feel and I’m sure he will be understanding. X

OP posts:
Poddledoddle · 13/08/2024 12:58

Aria20 · 08/08/2024 14:46

Tell him - also suggest maybe one day if you have a daughter she might like it? Might soften the blow - if you are planning children that is!

I'm on the fence on this one. On the one hand it doesn't seem too unreasonable to not want to wear a ring for the rest of your life if you really can't stand it. But on the other hand I'm very old fashioned in the sense that I'd only ever want to wear the ring my other half gave me and would be blown away with it being his mothers. My aunty died and left her wedding ring to her daughter and engagement ring to her son and her son has said he'd never ever propose with it as he wouldn't trust getting it back if they split and it wouldn't be in the family any longer.

Poddledoddle · 13/08/2024 13:00

wasieverreallyhere · 10/08/2024 21:02

Thanks for insulting my engagement ring my husband bought me. be grateful yhe cares enough to give it you can up grade later if you want and then say you are worried about it getting damaged it being old

Show quote history

Lmao how has she done that?

Cece54 · 13/08/2024 13:00

Thebellofstclements · 13/08/2024 11:42

You need to learn the meaning of "mortified" and when to use it.

"Mortified".... to cause someone to feel extremely embarrassed !!!! How was she wrong ???