To not want his mum’s ring?

[DianaBlackCat]

My boyfriend and me have been discussing getting married. His mum passed away when he was young, and he has mentioned that when he proposes he wants me to have his mum’s engagement ring. As much as I like the sentiment and think it’s a special thing, I am mortified. The ring is really not my style, it’s old fashioned (not in a good way), and a very small diamond. It’s yellow gold solitaire, whereas I would like platinum band and a pear cut diamond. The cost of buying a new ring is not an issue.
More than that, I don’t want the worry of what would happen if it got stolen or lost, as it would be doubly upsetting for him to lose something so sentimental. The combination of me disliking its appearance combined with the worry of losing it, would make me not want to wear it at all. I can’t bear the thought of looking at something every day that just isn’t me.
AIBU? Should I suck it up? Or should I tell him that I would like my own ring?

Having it made into a ring for him is a good idea as long as there's enough of it and he isn't too hard on jewellery in his daily job.

Old (high carat) yellow gold is quite soft and i would imagine the ring is worn quite thin with age.

DH works in a job incompatible with fancy rings and needed a large white gold (hard) ring with no stones.

So what's wrong with not wanting an outdated ring with some tiny diamond as your engagement ring that ideally you get to wear for life. My mother once told me that she knew I didn't really like or suit her engagement ring and once she was gone I should feel free to have it remade or sell it or whatever. Despite that I have kept it but don't wear it. I like knowing it's there safely tucked away in my jewellery box. I wouldn't expect any future daughter in law to necessarily like it or wear it either. My mother was very clear about the fact that she chose her ring and I am sure she thought any daughters-in-law of mine would want to do the same.

You are probably right. By my own admission I am totally spoiled, and he’s totally fine with that, ha ha! (He knew what he was getting into…🤣)
Seriously though, I know how upset he’d be if it was lost or stolen. He is very sentimental about his mother. As others have suggested, I think it’s probably best if I keep it for our future daughter/granddaughter. It’d be more special to her as it would be her granny’s.

Surely that would just ruin the proposal being shown a ring you dislike? OP wants her own ring which should be involved in the special moment

Obviously it's your choice, we're all different; but I think it's a lovely sentiment and given the fact he's been so long without a mother it just seems thoughtful. It's a much stronger message of love than a generic platinum band anyone can have, I guess it's a question of what does an engagement ring mean to you? Is it a show of love, or is it a fashion statement? I think a ring would have to be very ugly for me to not see the symbolism, my ring is very small now, we were young, we couldn't afford much, we could upgrade it now but I have no intentions to, what it symbolises means so much more to me than showing off to people what we can afford.

But your daughter might not like it either ..it will be even more “dated” by then? Is it not possible to have it made into an another piece of jewellery? A necklace or another kind of ring? Please don’t underestimate how much it means to him to give it to you. Im not saying you have to wear a ring you don’t like , but I think you should accept it , but explain its not your style - can he help you think about how you can wear it in a different way

Include her diamond in new design …? But you must tell him you worry about losing it, and feel it’s dowdy?

I would not want an engagement ring I didn’t like. I love mine and it makes me very happy every day. Speak to him about it

Tell him that’s more of a push present thing.

The symbolism is lovely, and if he had given it to OP for a significant birthday or something to wear as a dress ring I'd agree she was being very hard hearted and materialistic.

An engagement ring is a bit different though given you wear it every day. Size is one thing, but for example I never wear yellow gold and don't suit narrow bands so I wouldn't relish an engagement ring with either property.

Funny how traditional all this is. Surely he should wear it in some way? Get it melted and remodelled for him? Ring or cufflinks?

DIL has a ring of my grandmother's as an engagement ring. It's a large stone and worth about £9k. I imagine you wouldn't have a problem with that?

I wouldn’t want to wear it if I didn’t like it-regardless of whether it cost £20 or £9k. I presume your daughter in law did like your grandmother’s ring, so was happy to have it as her engagement ring. Unlike the OP who doesn’t like this ring.

First answer nails it

My DH proposed using a family ring. It had whopper diamonds in it. I have tiny hands and it wouldn’t have suited me at all, but it was lovely that he had the ring when he asked me.
He had always known it might not be my thing or suit me and that was fine. We then went out a couple of days later and chose a much smaller ring together.
The family ring went back to his parents and later his brother used it to propose and his now-wife wears it and loves it.

That family ring would be worth loads. I was told I could keep it anyway even though I wouldn’t be wearing it, but I returned it as I knew someone else later might wear it. I love my small, dainty ring.

The ring is important. I’ve only taken mine off twice in over 20 years. I still love it.

Communication is so important in a relationship. This matters so you have to be able to say it and he has to be able to hear it. Tell him the sentiment is lovely and you’d love him to propose with it, but it simply isn’t your style (and in most cases, a partner will understand that as they know you) and you’d like to choose together.
It’s up to him what he does with the ring. Maybe he will keep it or give it another family member or have the stone made into something for you.

My thinking is, if it’s my own, it would be insured and as upset as I’d be about losing it, it wouldn’t be the end of the world. Whereas losing the MIL’s ring would make me feel horrific as it’s so sentimental and special to my partner.

An engagement ring is a bit different though given you wear it every day. Size is one thing, but for example I never wear yellow gold and don't suit narrow bands so I wouldn't relish an engagement ring with either property.

As I say, we are all different, the symbolism would just mean so much more to me. I don't wear gold either (although it's back in fashion now) but I would for something like this.

You can have two..I know that may sound greedy 😅 but like you said if it gets lost or damaged. You can have his mother's and wear on occasions but have a day to day one..

I was thinking of getting a cheap one for day to day as my current one is a heirloom and I am so worried if one of the stones fall out when out.

Say it to him like that?

And I'm not buying the scared of losing it argument, I'm sure he won't either, it's a cop out, so when you tell him, just be honest.

You say something along the lines of being honoured to wear the ring, but the style not suiting you, but you'd love to have it made into something else, a necklace or a braclet.

Oh no, if I have a son I don’t want to pass the baton onto poor future DIL 🤣 I’d have to keep it for daughter or granddaughter, if my partner doesn’t want it made into something else.

Tell him that:

• you are incredibly flattered and touched that he would trust you with his mum's ring
• you also think it's really lovely that he wants you to have that connection with his mum, who is no longer here and who you really wish you could have met
• however, the ring itself is just not your style, and there are fashions and trends in engagement rings just like there are in everything else - while it's a lovely ring, it's vintage and yellow gold and just not 'you', and it wouldn't be fair on you (or him) if you wore such a precious and sentimental item every day while not actually really feeling that it suits you

Perhaps you could suggest he proposes with that ring as a lovely gesture towards his late mum, and then you go out together and choose your own ring together?

Maybe you could suggest that you also wear his mum's ring on a necklace (although you shouldn't feel obliged to if you don't want to)?

You can also say that (if you plan to have kids one day) it would be a lovely thing to hand down to your future daughter or daughter-in-law either to wear or to have made into a new piece of jewellery.

You are meant to be so close that you are getting married but haven't been honest with him about this ring?

' Darling, I know you have huge sentimental attachment for your mothers ring but it's a ring of it's time and not a style that I would wear. I also do t want the responsibility of wearing something that is so precious to you. I'd like my own ring, on that is for me, that will have its own memories of us.'

It always seemed weird to me that William gave Kate Diana's ring. Firstly Di picked it out of a catalogue, it wasn't anything uber-special apart from its value, it wasn't specially made or chosen for her by Charles, secondly, the marriage ended in divorce.

Speak now OP or forever hold your peace.

Indeed, it's hard enough to pick one's OWN engagement ring and still love it decades later. Eg i have a very sparkly radiant cut but now I'm older I would probably go emerald cut.

Tell him, and also tell him how you’d love to honour his mum by making her ring into your wedding jewellery or something. You should be able to come up with an idea that keeps you both happy.

Tell him. Kindly. And no you shouldn't have to compromise and wear it all.

Maybe he can get something done with it for himself? Or for a potentially future child.

You will be the one wearing the ring so you need to be happy with it.