To not want his mum’s ring?

[DianaBlackCat]

My boyfriend and me have been discussing getting married. His mum passed away when he was young, and he has mentioned that when he proposes he wants me to have his mum’s engagement ring. As much as I like the sentiment and think it’s a special thing, I am mortified. The ring is really not my style, it’s old fashioned (not in a good way), and a very small diamond. It’s yellow gold solitaire, whereas I would like platinum band and a pear cut diamond. The cost of buying a new ring is not an issue.
More than that, I don’t want the worry of what would happen if it got stolen or lost, as it would be doubly upsetting for him to lose something so sentimental. The combination of me disliking its appearance combined with the worry of losing it, would make me not want to wear it at all. I can’t bear the thought of looking at something every day that just isn’t me.
AIBU? Should I suck it up? Or should I tell him that I would like my own ring?

I don't understand the responses here telling you to give him some frilly explanation about fear of losing it, or wanting to keep it for a possible eventual daughter - the number one reason you don't want it is because it isn't to your taste, so just tell him that. You will be the one wearing it every day, and there's nothing wrong with wanting something that you really love. You can be appreciative of the gesture and what it means whilst being clear that you don't think the ring suits you. Then you can discuss together what the best thing is to do with it - save it to pass onto an eventual child that you have together, get it remade into another piece of jewellery etc.

OP, there are some incredible goldsmiths who can take the elements of the ring and recreate something more your style, using the gold and stones.

I'm a metalsmith myself, but I don't do this work. I can vouch for the success of it though - it's the perfect way to solve this dilemma.

Do your research, look at loads of designs, then go from there. The gold will be melted and reworked, the stone can be reset with another gemstone/s. it can even be plated with platinum so you get the ring you want, using your DH's mother's original ring.

Alternatively, use the gold to create your ring, and save the yellow diamond to set for an 18th Birthday gift for a future child or something.

Tell him. Maybe he can propose with it ans then you go to pick up a ring for you together. The mums ting could be worn on some special occasions and then passed on to a daughter (if you're planning on having kids).

Tell him you could not live with yourself if something happened to it, and there are better ways to preserve it (perhaps mounted in a shadow frame in the house, I did this to my grandmothers jewelry and it looks lovely, but also is nice and safe). And that you would prefer a new ring for this reason.

Bit harsh. I'm sure OP very much appreciates the sentiment and how much he must care about her to want to give her this ring that is so important to him. But wouldn't we all feel like one of the most important pieces of jewellery we will ever receive and wear for the rest of our lives is something we actually like?!

I'd say I was 'deeply honoured to be given his DMs ring, but as it won't be the right size could we get a nice chain and I can wear it as a necklace? Then we can pick an engagement ring together that's unique to us in this moment.'
Or something along those lines.
As long as you're not mean about the ring I would hope he'd be fine with that suggestion.

Could you get a jeweller to remove the stone from its setting and turn it into a moi et toi style ring with a pear cut diamond in a platinum band?

You’d get an even more impactful piece (if that’s what you want) as well as including a lovely memory from his Mum?

The fact is that Op doesn’t want the ring .
It is not her style .

Would he consider having it remade into a modern ring you like? With an added stone if that's what you want?

Then you get to have they style you like, and he knows his mums ring is still in use.

It's usually not expensive as you're reusing the materials, so you're mostly just paying for labour.

It doesn’t matter where Diana’s ring came from, nor the fact that she divorced, as it obviously still had sentimental value to William, regardless. Chances are that Kate also might love it!

My own theory is that Kate has her own engagement ring that she wears privately. The Diana monstrosity is worn when she’s doing her public appearances.

Another theory is that the Diana monstrosity ring that we see is a good copy and the original is locked in a safe.

Just tell him!!

I know someone who was in this exact situation, but took the ring and changed it all to something she preferred, and then after that, decided she wasn't keen on it and wanted a new one anyway! So had completely wiped out the sentimental element of it!

I always wondered how the groom's sisters felt about that - sure they'd have loved to have kept their mums engagement ring if it wasn't going to be the bride's permanent ring after all!

Agreed, and the fact it wasn't a happy marriage makes it worse. My sister wears my grandma's 1939 ring and it's lovely. But I wouldn't want to wear my mums 1976 ring. It sounds very like the OP's one and it's dated.

Oh no, I love the sapphire "monstrosity". Odd thing to feel sorry for her about when she has access to that wonderful jewellery collection!
I think, accept the ring, have the stone built into something of your own design and have the gold incorporated into a ring for him. Go to a jewellery designer in an independent shop once you are engaged and talk to them about what you like.

I totally get this. I really wouldn't want to be responsible for a ring that has such colossal emotional value due to what must've been a horribly early bereavement. It's not even just losing it, though that's the worst case scenario of course. I'd be worried about damaging it, probably more so than I would a dearer ring that has only ever been mine. It makes total sense, it's the nature of the item value for a child who lost his mother young.

It's pretty obvious that the size of the stone is not the only thing about the ring that the OP doesn't like - it's yellow gold, which she isn't keen on, and it's a solitaire, which is a shape she dislikes, and it's a dated design. I think it's just about personal taste, rather than materialism. Nobody should have to wear an item of jewellery every day that they don't enjoy looking at.

If I were your DIL, I wouldn't want to wear your grandmother's ring because I would absolutely not want a large stone - I don't like large stones at all.

If my partner gave me a ring of his mother's that was, eg, yellow gold and had a large stone (especially a pear-cut one, which I don't like - sorry OP!) I wouldn't want to wear it, regardless of how much it was worth, simply because I would hate it and I want my hand to look like my hand rather than someone else's in a ring that didn't reflect my taste. And it's perfectly reasonable that the OP should feel the that way about her partner's mum's ring, regardless of what it's worth.

It's not about the monetary value, it's about what someone actually likes and wants to wear, and if the OP likes a larger stone then that's fine.

I would request that the diamond be used in a ring you choose together. You could even incorporate the gold into another item like a wedding band for him to wear.

It's a very sensitive subject but if he wants to marry you, he'll know you mean well.

I think YABU. Your partner's mum died when he was very young (very traumatic) and the fact that he wants you to wear his mum's engagement ring speaks volumes of how much you mean to him. I am assuming that you having his mum's engagement ring is a way of encompassing his mum into your family.
Remember that you don't have to wear it all the time. I think he would be very upset if you didn't accept his offer

Haha, I was just discussing recently with a friend how much I loathe that Princess Di ring!

Kate probably likes it though ... it's very Sloaney and a lot of those posh types dress thirty years older than they actually are.

Not many people lose their engagement rings. Most people don’t take them off.

This worry isn’t the key issue. They key, and valid issue is it’s not your style. That’s fine. You can say it. You can say it nicely and politely and in a way which shows how you live the sentiment and know how much he loves the ring and his mum. Honestly sensible blokes will understand this.

If you’re too scared to say it, or he isn’t able to understand it and can only consider you wearing THAT particular ring, I’d be wondering about if he’s the right person to marry to be honest. You will have to have much more difficult conversations than this in your marriage, so just go for it. Have you never had to have a tricky or awkarwad conversation before?

Remember that you don't have to wear it all the time

Well, if it's her engagement ring she pretty much is expected to wear it all the time.

Obviously it's not obligatory, but why have an engagement ring at all if you're only going to pop it on occasionally, like a cocktail ring?

YANBU. It's important you love the ring!

I would just tell him straight, you love the idea and would be happy for him to propose with it if he wishes but you'd like to choose together your own ring.

This

PS, my mum is dead and I'd never ever be upset at someone not wanting to wear her jewellery. Just cos she's sadly deceased doesn't mean you have to hate your engagement ring forever.

I have a beautiful, cheap ring that cost less than £150, and I absolutely love it, and love that I feel no anxiety over destroying it. It means I can wear it nonstop and if something ever happens to it it's no biggie, we can get another.

Tell him you appreciate the sentiment,and you are happy to keep it for a special occasion but your wedding is between the two of you and it’s lovely but not your style.