To not want his mum’s ring?

[DianaBlackCat]

My boyfriend and me have been discussing getting married. His mum passed away when he was young, and he has mentioned that when he proposes he wants me to have his mum’s engagement ring. As much as I like the sentiment and think it’s a special thing, I am mortified. The ring is really not my style, it’s old fashioned (not in a good way), and a very small diamond. It’s yellow gold solitaire, whereas I would like platinum band and a pear cut diamond. The cost of buying a new ring is not an issue.
More than that, I don’t want the worry of what would happen if it got stolen or lost, as it would be doubly upsetting for him to lose something so sentimental. The combination of me disliking its appearance combined with the worry of losing it, would make me not want to wear it at all. I can’t bear the thought of looking at something every day that just isn’t me.
AIBU? Should I suck it up? Or should I tell him that I would like my own ring?

We had this discussion.

I simply told him that it's not my style of ring, thank you for offering. I wouldn't want to wear it and therefore I'd like a ring that I actually want and like. It was an emerald on a yellow gold setting, I just didn't like it and never wear gold.

Job done, got a lovely raw cut diamond in silver.

Remember that you don't have to wear it all the time

Yeah, OP-you could have an engagement ring you really hate in a metal you don’t wear in a style you don’t want and just not wear it 🫣.

Or, you know-you could have one you choose, absolutely love and makes you happy every day.

You choose.

Just be honest with him. I had something similar and gently told my boyfriend, now DH.

DH and his mum chatting about proposing with his nans ring, I overheard convo in the bathroom whilst they were in bedroom (they didn’t realise I was in there) and although I knew the proposal was coming I felt guilty as in the nicest way I really didn’t want to wear his nans ring. I have dinky hands and only like silver / white gold. This ring was huge, gold and although sentimental I know I wouldn’t of wanted to wear it.

I told him a few days later that I overheard the convo, he completely understood and said “I didn’t think it would of suited anyway so was looking elsewhere”

I would speak up now, it will hurt more if you tell him AFTER the proposal

I had my mums engagement ring made into a necklace. Maybe suggest that to him - and that you’d wear it on your wedding day and for special occasions?

Alternatively you could incorporate the diamond in your wedding band, De Beer style. You would wear it every day as your future H wished, but much less likely to get lost (and easier to give back if you ever divorce) and you can then have your pear-shaped engagement ring.
But keeping the ring for a granddaughter is a lovely idea.

Tell him hit maybe skip the bit about the very small diamond

Noooo! Don't pass the problem to another woman.

I would have the stone put into his wedding band.

I think the sentiment is actually very important and as an act of love for him you should honour that ,and accept, wear and treaure the ring that links his mother and his own future with you. I can see why the symbolism of it means so much to him and I think I'd want to give him that gift.

BUT I also get how you want your opportunity to have a beautiful ring you have chosen. I'd suggest you agree to also having your own ring as maybe a first anniversary gift or even a wedding gift.

You then have 2 rings you can wear: his mothers on occasions when the symbolism is important (engagement and wedding day) and your lovely new rock when you want to just gaze at your manicured hands admiring it.

You get to honour the sentiment important to him and a new ring.
Win win.

This is a good response imo

Oh piss off!

you can’t wear a ring you don’t truly love but I would be extra sensitive under the circumstances

Not unreasonable at all to want to choose something that you love to wear on your finger.

It is sentimental to HIM, not you.
Lovely to keep as a family heirloom etc.
Not on your finger every day.

Tell him you'd love it as a placeholder ring whilst you jointly shop for your forever ring but it's not your taste and too great a rusk for you to wear it. I'd also say you will wear it on your wedding day either incorporate it into a bouquet/ horseshoe wrist dangle thingy/necklace or whatever works for you.

I was given DHs grandmas ring. Hated it.
After the engagement we bought another one that I chose!! Don’t keep quiet. You’ve got a lifetime to wear it… tell him you’re worried about losing it etc. I was and would be too.
The other thing you could do is have the stones removed or setting remade into something you like. I’ve inherited a lot of lovely rings from my grandmas and I am thinking of combining the stones into something new as I feel quite sentimental about them.

Surely the OP wants an engagement ring to wear all the time though? Most people do wear their engagement ring every day - I've had mine for nearly 10 years and I still love looking at it (I'm pregnant at the moment and can't fit my wedding and engagement rings on right now and it is genuinely really upsetting to me that I can't wear them). The engagement ring is a symbol of the relationship between the OP and her partner, not the one between him and his mum - if it matters a lot to him he should think about incorporating her ring into his own wedding band rather than giving it to her.

I would tell him you want your own ring, but still wear hers once in a while either on a chain or the other hand, to make him feel a bit better.

I was in this situation except my mil is alive and divorced. I wore her ring for a bit and then told him I wanted my own. I was a bit worried to bring it up but he totally understood.

I'm not sure what there is to be mortified about. He cares about his mother and thought it be a nice gesture I assume (rather than being tight).

Just tell him you want your own..Bear in mind you might not get to choose your own though.

If you can't be honest with him about this ring, I would take a good look at your relationship before you marry him.

I would never wear someone else's engagement ring. It would not even be a discussion I would entertain. Of course he loved/loves his mum very much, but you are your own person and this is your marriage, not hers.

Tell him you think your first born should inherit it?

Tell him. If you can't have this kind of difficult discussion you shouldn't be marrying him!

Even Meghan wasn’t happy with the ring Harry gave her and has had it altered to be more her style, I don’t blame her one bit, any woman should be able to choose her own ring and if she doesn’t like what is presented to her she should be able to veto it, be that a ring the man has chosen or a family heirloom.

There is also the point for him to consider that if you split up later on then you might keep the ring out of spite.

I thought poor Kate when they got engaged with the huge sapphire ring. Though i actually like it a lot more now (funny how tastes and fashions change). To me, it’s more that the marriage was so unhappy, I wouldn’t have wanted to wear it.

For the OP, of course you’re not unreasonable wanting a nice engagement of your own. Just be honest and say it’s not your taste. If you try and justify refusing on safety grounds, you might get “oh I know you’d be so careful with it”.

Go for both/and not either/or.

You recognise that his entrusting you with his Mum's ring is a real honour and a mark of trust.

And then is then and now is now. Your relationship with him is different from the one he had with his Mum and needs its own markers.

But of course that early bereavement is part of what makes him the person he is whom you love, so perhaps his Mum's ring could be re-sized or re-set (in time) for a right hand finger so she is remembered but not made central (symbolically speaking). Or as PP said, you could keep in trust for a child if you plan to have them