To not want his mum’s ring?

[DianaBlackCat]

My boyfriend and me have been discussing getting married. His mum passed away when he was young, and he has mentioned that when he proposes he wants me to have his mum’s engagement ring. As much as I like the sentiment and think it’s a special thing, I am mortified. The ring is really not my style, it’s old fashioned (not in a good way), and a very small diamond. It’s yellow gold solitaire, whereas I would like platinum band and a pear cut diamond. The cost of buying a new ring is not an issue.
More than that, I don’t want the worry of what would happen if it got stolen or lost, as it would be doubly upsetting for him to lose something so sentimental. The combination of me disliking its appearance combined with the worry of losing it, would make me not want to wear it at all. I can’t bear the thought of looking at something every day that just isn’t me.
AIBU? Should I suck it up? Or should I tell him that I would like my own ring?

Exactly what I was going to say!
Be glad you're not the PoW, here love I've got Mum's old engagement ring, she and Dad had an awful divorce, but hey ho it's an iconic ring.
Of all the beautiful jewellery Diana had and he chose that...

I'd say something like "I'd like to wear my engagement ring almost all the time to work etc, and if it's your mum's ring I don't feel I would do that. Can we choose a ring for everyday, then on days which are special to you and your family I'll wear your mum's ring?" Just a suggestion.

I agree. The Diana/Kate ring is fuuuuuuuuuugly and the marriage was an utter shitshow which should never have happened. The ring should be binned.

I agree with a pp that said that a lot of these posh Sloane-y types like those 80s cluster rings like Diana's. Indeed, Princess Eugenie has a ruby version.

I'll be honest - the e-ring threads on here and elsewhere - a lot of the rings are ugly and old fashioned. (imho)

Even my own ring, even though I still like it, is a bit "2010" being a cushion-cut with halo.

My current pet hate is these big, high-set lab-grown diamonds. Borderline vulgar and also impractical.

For anyone who likes slagging off reviewing other people's rings, check out Flik on TikTok: FLIK 🌞 (@flik.shaw) | TikTok

I was also going to suggest if there's a way to use the stone I would suggest that

And if you don't want to use the stone as a ring, could you suggest it's made into a necklace as a gift from him on your wedding day or some alternative? Make it clear that you want to honour his mum by it being something you'll actually wear.

OR, if you're planning children raise the suggestion that he should save it for his daughter ...

When my mum passed away, my sister suggested that I have her engagement ring, to pass on to one of my dses, as and when they get engaged. The two of them who are still unmarried know about this, but if they or their girlfriends didn't want to use the ring, I would not be offended in the slightest.

One ds is already married, so clearly two of them will not get to inherit mum's engagement ring, so in my will, they will get my engagement ring and the other ring dh has given me - for fairness' sake.

I was given DH’s mum’s ring - eventually, he proposed without any ring at all - and wore it until we got married. Then I chose a wedding ring that didn’t go with the engagement ring at all, so it ended up in a box.

She doesn’t like the style or colour of metal either.

We took the largest of the three diamonds out of my grandmother’s ring, and had it set onto a simple gold band for DS’s partner.

The ring, as it was, wouldn’t have suited her, but the new ring is beautiful.

Couldn't agree more.
Talk about bad karma.

Very ugly ring too.

My mum died 13 days after DH and I got married, back in 1998.

When my mum’s will was read, she had left me her engagement ring, which was an absolute abomination, but had a decent sized diamond in the centre. I worked with a local jeweller who used the gold form the ring, and the diamond, to make me a brand new ring, with my mum’s March birth stones added. It’s much more to my own taste.

I asked my dad beforehand if he minded, and he was incredulous that I had even asked.

Now I have a ring I really really love but it is also very precious to me.

Did you give him the minimum price as well? Make sure you tell his sperm that you want a daughter!

I think, like a previous post also suggested, that using the diamond in another piece of jewellery that you would enjoy wearing would be a nice way to honour the importance of the piece.

Accept ring if he wants to give it to you but not as your engagement ring That should be your choice Or sell hers to finance yours

It's up to your (almost) DH to honour his mum's memory - you shouldn't feel you have to do that by wearing her ring every day.

I'm not a big fan of heirloom rings from the groom's family - there's something quite patriarchal about it to me, almost as though you're just another woman marrying into the Jones family, rather than the engagement and marriage being about the couple.

Definitely get your own ring. I mean what's he going to say- 'no, I insist you wear my deceased mother's ring even though you don't like it'??

Can you just tell him that you’re worried about losing it and would like to pick something else out?

If he wants to honour his mum, why doesn’t he have the stones set into his own wedding ring and he can wear that every day to remind him of her.

I personally wouldn’t do this-I’d just give the ring to a descendant of the mum-ie one of your kids. If you or him wear it as an engagement/wedding ring and then split up, it will have bad associations

The OP doesn’t like the ring and doesn’t want the responsibility of safeguarding an heirloom that obviously means a lot to her intended. And like most women, she’d rather choose her own ring - all completely understandable. I’d hate the idea of having a family ring foisted on me and the value would be irrelevant. Perhaps your DIL secretly hates her ring but like the OP couldn’t find a way to tell you without causing a massive upset?

This is what I was going to say.

Just say no you don't want to, it means something to him, but not to you as you never knew her and don't have that kind of sentimental connection about it. You're the one who is going to be wearing the ring and it needs to feel special to you as well as him.

I suggest ..He proposes with his mums ring and you keep it as your 'engagement ring' in a special box in your special keepsakes drawer but tell him as you don't want to worry about losing it you'd like another one and go and pick it together

Could you possibly have it restyled with her stones?

Tell him and get it stitched into the hem of your dress as something borrowed

So weird to me that people “know the proposal is coming”. Surely if you’ve decided to get married you are engaged. I don’t get the “waiting for the “surprise” proposal” thing.
Does no one ever just ask someone to marry them anymore? With a ring they bought or happened to have?

@DianaBlackCat I had a very specific ring in mind for my engagement. We decided to use a family heirloom just temporarily. It was the total opposite of the ring I wanted.
Turns out, I fell in love with the ring and everything it represents; I wouldn’t change it for the world.
Im not saying you should wear a ring you hate, be honest about how you feel certainly. But also, maybe try it out and see how you feel?