Clip-on tie at secondary school

[LongStoryLong]

Hi all, my first time in AIBU 😬 so you know, have at it!

My thing is this: my DC is going into Y7 at a large comprehensive secondary school in our town. It’s a grammar area, so all the children took the 11+ and most will have failed it, which is why they’re not going to the grammar school down the road (I think this is important context).

We went uniform shopping the other day, and I was dismayed to find that it’s ONLY possible to buy a clip-on tie for this school- real ties are not made.

AIBU on several counts really:

1. how common is this? Does anyone else have secondary DC at a school where ONLY clip-on ties are available?

2. I find this demeaning- like they’re saying to the kids, you didn’t make the grade, here, have this baby tie. Is that my prejudice talking?

3. I don’t know how it works in the town, but I worry that this will be used as a way of othering our kids by the grammar kids. Sure, it’s mean, but it’s a physical manifestation of their otherness, and I don’t see why that’s desirable.

FYI, we’ll be new to the school, so I’m not going to kick up a fuss (yet?!) but I just want others’ views so I can temper my own really.

Thank you all!

OP I haven’t read all the responses, but just wanted to say that clip on ties are the least of your problems . a much bigger problem is the attitude you have towards this school as “second best”, you see it as a school where children who have failed are sent, the clip on ties are “baby “ ties because the pupils can’t cope with tying normal ties, other school children will pick on her and her peers because they are seen as members of an inferior school……….I don’t know what other negatives remarks you are dropping in front of your child and friends and family, but you really need to stop.

you need to start with the mindset that:

This is the school where your child is going to be nurtured, educated and encouraged to thrive.

This is the school where she will develop skills and positive attitudes that will help shape her life .

This is the school where your child will make friends, learn to negotiate relationships, will learn to work independently and as part of a team.

This is the school that will see her grow from a child to an adult.

Whatever your disappointment that shedidn’t make the grammar school cut off is you need to put it behind you, if you see the school as only offering second best to second best children then that is the message your child will pick up.

Completely normal. My DC both go to sought after, high performing etc MN "approved" state high schools; both have clip on ties. All the state schools/academies in our borough do - the ties were all on display in the uniform shop.

Other organisations in our with clip on ties - the police, the uniformed people at my work, 2 x local private schools. Definitely at least one airline, I forget which. Oh, and my brothers' school in the 1980s'

Strangulation risk is not just about being attacked by people who want to attack you, but also accidentally getting caught on something. DH once got slightly strangled in a crowd where his (knotted) tie got caught up.

Clip on ties are really not a problem. Your attitude to comprehensive education is though @OP. Maybe it will make your dc more tolerant of a wider socioeconomic society than you.

Jesus wept

You're right, of course. When you think about it, ties are utterly pointless garments which should long ago have gone the way of the codpiece, cummerbund and cravat, and I don't know why schools bother with them at all.

I get that you haven’t read all the replies, but I feel like you could at least have read all my posts. Thanks anyway for the schooling.

@funinthesun19
Unfortunately, yes, they will be seen as very babyish shoes if they have Velcro! You can get elastic laces that you can replace normal laces with and mean they can slip the shoes on and not worrying about tying them up.
Maybe worth trying out?
Ones like these ones - Elastic Laces

Sounds like it might be my kids school (town beginning with M?) Ours is because a child was strangled (think he died sadly) many years ago and to avoid a similar incident.

My DD goes to a school with a 295 entry (the big two have left). Nearly all the schools have large intakes as they are historically an amalgamation of two smaller schools. It honestly doesn't feel 'big'. I have always felt that my children are 'known'. They are all middle of the road kids, so not particularly standing out. Even ds who has autism has been well supported.

Having said all that, I don't actually understand the point of ties anyway. Out of school, they out of school, they only tend to come out for weddings and funerals. Very few people seem to wear them for work anymore, and even then, they serve no practical purpose.

Basically I need to hold my nerve and stand by my decision (which I made at least a year ago) and not let shit like the tie throw me off again…

Absolutely this. You made a sound decision, based on the information you had (about the school, your child, etc) - and that means it’s the right decision.

It sounds from your update (“it’s all on me”) like you’re feeling the weight of the responsibility and the tie symbolises that. It’s bloody hard work being a parent isn’t it?

For what it’s worth, I made a similar decision a few years ago (autistic child with ADHD, big school, ‘find their tribe’, etc, etc) and he has thrived, clip on tie and all.

You’ve got this.

HTH🙂

Take a deep breath and breathe into a paper bag, it's a tie it's OK really

DDs primary and secondary schools both had clip on ones.

DS has a regular one, which for the bargain price of £10 I had converted to a clip on!

I have heard this. However, I work in this sector (not directly with suicide prevention, but allied to) and making policy like this betrays a worrying lack of understanding of the factors around suicide, in my view.

Only clip on ties at my kids’ school too. Nothing to do with their intelligence - I suspect more so to do with safety.

Thank you, genuinely

Grrrrr

I don’t believe it was suicide, the child I’m speaking about. However it was before my time as a parent at the school and may well be exaggerated over the years.

It is also as others have mentioned to make sure the ties are all the same length etc.

My younger son is going to the grammar in the same town and they have “proper” ties.

DS has the option of clip on or standard ties. Clip-on was a no-brainer. I doubt many bother with the standard tie from the lack of kipper ties or skinny ties.

He's dyspraxic, so being spared the bother of tying himself up daily and extra for PE is a mercy.
He still wears velcro shoes and no one cares. (I would challenge a school that was nit-picky and expected a ridiculously small range of badly sized and inaccessible footwear- he has an extreme foot shape)

He's also ND in other ways and while I wouldn't claim he's having the best days of his life, he's getting on, thriving academically and has found people he finds pleasant. He also has a 9 form intake, but the school community is cosy and supportive. Bigger schools tend to have better support systems and most importantly for DS, they take his additional needs seriously and pro-actively and aren't the type to ignore warning signs.

You can get quite decent slip on school shoes.
One of my wears these as he prefers the style.
My other DS wears laced shoes but I can't remember the last time he opened them - he usually just rams his foot in!
Trainers can have zips and you can get easy lace. There are slip on trainers as well. I'd be avoiding velcro to be honest as it feels like velcro is something you want to leave behind in primary school but there are plenty of options out there if you take a look.

Only clip on ties at my DC’s school. Are you sure the grammar school doesn’t have clip on ties anyway? If the grammar school kids think they are better they will pick on the non grammar school kids irrespective of the tie.
Although in your updates it’s clear it’s not really about the tie. Trust in your decision, help your DC settle & if it doesn’t work out then look into moving schools if possible. Try not to worry as your DC could pick up on that.

My Dc went to a none uniform school in the uk . It was cheaper than when he wore uniform . No expensive school shoes . No second set of clothing .

As for bullying there is bullying in every school - The kids knew who the kids who were living in poverty in uniform .

That said there were parents who definitely didn’t consider the none uniform school instead chose the tie and blazer school the other end of town soley for uniform

i think once you get your head round it your Ds will be fine . My Ds has adhd and definitely benefited by not been in the super strict blazer school

We don't have grammar schools in our county and all secondaries that I know of that have ties have normal ties, usually only for the winter uniform (no ties generally for summer uniform). This thread comes as a surprise to me.

On the subject of ties (which I appreciate the OP has said is a symptom of bigger worries about her child starting secondary). My son's school didn't have ties until year 10, and even then they were optional. They said they had SEN students who had co-ordination difficulties and would find ties hard to deal with. Sounds like other schools go for the clip on approach.

I quite like a school uniform - it's a leveller. Otherwise wouldn't you get kids turning up in their designer clothes while others are in their Primark stuff? This is what I've heard anyway. I think most schools have a uniform of sorts so that the locals know which school to complain to about the kids on the bus swearing and chucking food around!

My son didn't have any additional needs and I still spent the August before he started at secondary having a low level (up to mid level at times) panic about all the things that might happen. I think this is perfectly natural.

I'd like to reassure you, OP, that my son has just left school and whilst older, taller, more potty mouthed and generally teenage, he got through it unscathed. I'm sure with support from her family, friends and the school your daughter can flourish and enjoy her time at secondary school.

Please talk to the school to make sure they understand your daughter's needs. Honestly, most teachers I've ever spoken to only want the best for the students.

All the best

Deleted because it was mean-spirited.

I do think you're being utterly ridiculous though.