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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think is over generous gift of money for a wedding present?

162 replies

PrueHal · 07/08/2024 23:14

I've noticed since day one my partner is very generous with money. From early on he bought me expensive jewellery to my embarrassment, bought gifts for friends and family and used the phrase 'it's just money'. He earns 15k more than me and doing well though not loaded.

He's at a family wedding by himself (I have very good reasons for being unable to go) and as he didn't have time to pick from their gift list he tells me is giving them money - £1000!

AIBU to find this insane? And to think the bride and groom really won't expect it? I find myself thinking about the future and how I'd really not ever want to spend that on a wedding gift if we were, say, married. He is so generous but it's too much sometimes.

OP posts:
Flossyts · 07/08/2024 23:17

Seems insane to me. We usually gift £100 as a couple for a friends wedding.

HeddaGarbled · 07/08/2024 23:19

If it’s a sibling and he can afford it, it’s very generous but not “insane”, IMO.

Original poster
PrueHal · 07/08/2024 23:20

I'm glad it's not just me @Flossyts

We are all late 20s/early 30s. I'd feel weird if a cousin gifted me that.

So to clarify, it's a cousin.

OP posts:
DaisyFloop · 07/08/2024 23:20

It's subjective isn't it, he obviously can afford it without struggling and spending money on people looks like how he expresses his love. Just talk to him and say that it's a lot for a gift and could literally finance a wedding or honeymoon and maybe bride and groom might be a bit overwhelmed so what about £150 instead etc

Justtryingtofitin · 07/08/2024 23:21

Flossyts · 07/08/2024 23:17

Seems insane to me. We usually gift £100 as a couple for a friends wedding.

Ok sorry but that’s a bit cheap. We got married recently and got at least £200 per couple. We usually give £250 and £500 if it’s family

Original poster
PrueHal · 07/08/2024 23:22

I feel like £500 would still be incredibly generous but at least a bit more reasonable

OP posts:
ElizabethCage · 07/08/2024 23:24

PrueHal · 07/08/2024 23:20

I'm glad it's not just me @Flossyts

We are all late 20s/early 30s. I'd feel weird if a cousin gifted me that.

So to clarify, it's a cousin.

If he's close to his cousin then why not? I wouldn't give my brother 20p but I'd give my cousin I never see a grand if she needed it no questions asked so it kind of depends on their relationship.
Also you say partner - if you live together and share money then talk to him but if you don't live together it's not really anything to do with you

theleafandnotthetree · 07/08/2024 23:24

For a cousin that is wildly generous - even by Irish standards and we typically give very generous gifts. I would say for a single person going to a cousins wedding that 100/150 would be fine, 200 would be very decent, any more than that generous to very generous I think you are right to have doubts on foot of this kind of extravagance, some of the people I know like this were all fur coat and no knickers, wanted to give the outward appearance of generosity and wealth but with nothing to back it up.

Thesecretingredientiscrime · 07/08/2024 23:25

Justtryingtofitin · 07/08/2024 23:21

Ok sorry but that’s a bit cheap. We got married recently and got at least £200 per couple. We usually give £250 and £500 if it’s family

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£100 for a couple really isn't cheap for a massive amount of people.

theleafandnotthetree · 07/08/2024 23:27

Thesecretingredientiscrime · 07/08/2024 23:25

£100 for a couple really isn't cheap for a massive amount of people.

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I would consider anything less than 100 per person kinda cheap, only because the meal alone in most hotels is 80 euro at least.

TeenLifeMum · 07/08/2024 23:27

Justtryingtofitin · 07/08/2024 23:21

Ok sorry but that’s a bit cheap. We got married recently and got at least £200 per couple. We usually give £250 and £500 if it’s family

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That’s you. In my circle, £100 is perfectly acceptable. We are comfortable but have bills and 3dc so £500 as a gift when I’ve bought and outfit, travelled and paid for hotel accommodation would be horribly grabby and seen as excessive for a cousin. I’m not saying my family is right but don’t accuse people of being cheap just because you have different ways.

Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 07/08/2024 23:28

Jeez am going to a wedding next week and was going to stick £50 in a card.
£1000 is way too much imho

Thesecretingredientiscrime · 07/08/2024 23:28

theleafandnotthetree · 07/08/2024 23:27

I would consider anything less than 100 per person kinda cheap, only because the meal alone in most hotels is 80 euro at least.

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Your friends aren't responsible for paying for your wedding. The celebration is on you.

Would you go to any other party and expect to pay for your drinks and dinner?

Original poster
PrueHal · 07/08/2024 23:29

@theleafandnotthetree being half Irish I know exactly what you mean!

You used the word I was looking for - it's extravagance.

A PP is right that it isn't really any of my business what he spends on his family. But this is a serious partner I am considering marrying. I don't really want to live an extravagant lifestyle. How would he have reacted it this was a joint gift and I didn't want to give that much?

I think it's very relevant to think about.

OP posts:
Portfun24 · 07/08/2024 23:29

That is alot, we'd give 250/300.

xsquared · 07/08/2024 23:30

theleafandnotthetree · 07/08/2024 23:27

I would consider anything less than 100 per person kinda cheap, only because the meal alone in most hotels is 80 euro at least.

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People are giving money as a gift, not to cover the cost of a wedding.

Mercury2702 · 07/08/2024 23:32

Yes it is a lot and seems eye watering to someone like me but I think it is understandable since it’s family.

I am inclined to think though that it isn’t any of your business if it’s his money but understand why you’d think about it long term but then think being with some generous is better than being with someone who’s a tight arse, as long as it’s not to the detriment of both your combined finances in the future

TeenLifeMum · 07/08/2024 23:33

theleafandnotthetree · 07/08/2024 23:27

I would consider anything less than 100 per person kinda cheap, only because the meal alone in most hotels is 80 euro at least.

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And I’d consider anyone hosting a wedding expecting that much to be grabby. I hate the “pay for your plate” culture. No, you host a wedding/party, the guests don’t have to refund you on top of all the other expenses they’ll incur coming to your big day!

recent cousin’s wedding for me, dh and 3dc
outfits £550 at least
petrol £200
hotel £600 (2 rooms incl breakfast)
gift £100

probably other hidden costs but their wedding cost us £1450 for our family and you think that’s cheap?! I didn’t even attend the hen do as I couldn’t get out of work.

Thankfully cousin isn’t grabby.

DaisyFloop · 07/08/2024 23:35

PrueHal · 07/08/2024 23:29

@theleafandnotthetree being half Irish I know exactly what you mean!

You used the word I was looking for - it's extravagance.

A PP is right that it isn't really any of my business what he spends on his family. But this is a serious partner I am considering marrying. I don't really want to live an extravagant lifestyle. How would he have reacted it this was a joint gift and I didn't want to give that much?

I think it's very relevant to think about.

I don't think it's relevant. If you marry him and share finances it's different and you'll discuss what to give etc

Butteredtoast55 · 07/08/2024 23:37

I'm completely shocked that anybody thinks £100 as a gift per person is 'cheap'.
If the money is the gift towards a honeymoon (assuming that this is why there's a reference to a meal costing €80) then how is it your guests' responsibility to pay for your holiday?
Surely the idea of having guests is exactly that - you invite them because you want them to be there not as a financial transaction. If that's the case, most people wouldn't pay €80 for the meal they get at a wedding.
I think back to our wedding (a long time ago) and how delighted we were to get presents like a clothes airer and an electric whisk 😆

OneFrenchEgg · 07/08/2024 23:38

Isn't it a US thing to cover your plate? Maybe not all posters on the thread are UK based.

justasmalltownmum · 07/08/2024 23:39

PrueHal · 07/08/2024 23:22

I feel like £500 would still be incredibly generous but at least a bit more reasonable

Is he Asian? I find Asians are very generous at weddings.

Original poster
PrueHal · 07/08/2024 23:41

No @justasmalltownmum he's from a Nordic country.

And the family he's visiting is American.

OP posts:
theleafandnotthetree · 07/08/2024 23:41

DaisyFloop · 07/08/2024 23:35

I don't think it's relevant. If you marry him and share finances it's different and you'll discuss what to give etc

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Of course it's relevant, different attitudes to money- including what to spend on non-essentials - can cause huge, sometimes insurmountable issues in relationships. I could never be with someone really tight but I would be equally uncomfortable with someone wasting money as a means of portraying themselves as Mr Loadsa.

Onemorefortheroad · 07/08/2024 23:44

We got married a couple of years ago and £100 was the norm, a few £50s and a few gifts but none of it mattered. We didn't ask for anything and wanted to spend the day with family and friends. The gifts were just a bonus.