Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think is over generous gift of money for a wedding present?

162 replies

PrueHal · 07/08/2024 23:14

I've noticed since day one my partner is very generous with money. From early on he bought me expensive jewellery to my embarrassment, bought gifts for friends and family and used the phrase 'it's just money'. He earns 15k more than me and doing well though not loaded.

He's at a family wedding by himself (I have very good reasons for being unable to go) and as he didn't have time to pick from their gift list he tells me is giving them money - £1000!

AIBU to find this insane? And to think the bride and groom really won't expect it? I find myself thinking about the future and how I'd really not ever want to spend that on a wedding gift if we were, say, married. He is so generous but it's too much sometimes.

OP posts:
theleafandnotthetree · 07/08/2024 23:45

OneFrenchEgg · 07/08/2024 23:38

Isn't it a US thing to cover your plate? Maybe not all posters on the thread are UK based.

It's informally an Irish thing too. It's not overt but most people would be thinking about how much it costs the bride and groom to have you there and trying to more or less cover that. It's a much more thoughtful and mutually supportive dynamic than is being portrayed by some here, people are generally happy to go, know its bloody expensive and are happy to contribute via cash gifts.

HeddaGarbled · 07/08/2024 23:46

could literally finance a wedding or honeymoon

Not many.

RicherThanYews · 07/08/2024 23:47

This thread has blown my mind. My uncle and his partner put a £5 in an envelope at our wedding, it seemed normal at the time but now I'm wondering where the fuck the other £995 went.

Sunsetbeachhouse · 07/08/2024 23:47

Justtryingtofitin · 07/08/2024 23:21

Ok sorry but that’s a bit cheap. We got married recently and got at least £200 per couple. We usually give £250 and £500 if it’s family

Show quote history

Not everyone can afford 200 or 250... I'd say 100 is reasonable from a couple and a bride and groom shouldn't turn their nose up at that... imagine if it was 10 or 20 pounds as a gift... now then you might say that's cheap!

Original poster
PrueHal · 07/08/2024 23:48

That's the concern @theleafandnotthetree

Our first holiday, for example, was fine. We agreed on somewhere not cheap but somewhere lovely that didn't break the bank either. There were no debates about money.

But lately he seems to buy expensive stuff for the sake of it. And yes it does have me questioning whether I'd be under pressure to live in a similar way if we remain together.

OP posts:
xsquared · 07/08/2024 23:53

Wow. I'm gobsmacked at people turning the nose up at anything less than £150 as a cash gift.

It used to be the norm to have a wedding gift list with items ranging from £5 to £500, so that guests can select a gift within their budget. As long as the couple got what they asked for and not 10 toasters, they were happy.

theleafandnotthetree · 07/08/2024 23:54

RicherThanYews · 07/08/2024 23:47

This thread has blown my mind. My uncle and his partner put a £5 in an envelope at our wedding, it seemed normal at the time but now I'm wondering where the fuck the other £995 went.

Oh come on, unless you got married 50 years ago, you can't have thought 5 pounds normal surely. If it's any time in the last 30 years (at least) it's kind of an insult, or being generous, a sign of being so skint that they would have been fine to give nothing.

LetsPlayShadowlands · 08/08/2024 00:02

Justtryingtofitin · 07/08/2024 23:21

Ok sorry but that’s a bit cheap. We got married recently and got at least £200 per couple. We usually give £250 and £500 if it’s family

Show quote history

'OK sorry but...'

You're not sorry, you're a materialistic judgy snob that looks down on people based on money. Hth.

SurpriseOzzy · 08/08/2024 00:02

£100 here sometimes £150

just back from a wedding
outfits for me and DC cost £400 DH wore a suit he already has
hotel rooms £300 for two nights
travel £120 (400 miles)
food etc for journey £100

so looking at £1k!

Sinderalla · 08/08/2024 00:03

PrueHal · 07/08/2024 23:14

I've noticed since day one my partner is very generous with money. From early on he bought me expensive jewellery to my embarrassment, bought gifts for friends and family and used the phrase 'it's just money'. He earns 15k more than me and doing well though not loaded.

He's at a family wedding by himself (I have very good reasons for being unable to go) and as he didn't have time to pick from their gift list he tells me is giving them money - £1000!

AIBU to find this insane? And to think the bride and groom really won't expect it? I find myself thinking about the future and how I'd really not ever want to spend that on a wedding gift if we were, say, married. He is so generous but it's too much sometimes.

Can I invite him to my birthday? 😳🤷‍♀️

LetsPlayShadowlands · 08/08/2024 00:04

Sunsetbeachhouse · 07/08/2024 23:47

Not everyone can afford 200 or 250... I'd say 100 is reasonable from a couple and a bride and groom shouldn't turn their nose up at that... imagine if it was 10 or 20 pounds as a gift... now then you might say that's cheap!

Show quote history

Anyone giving any amount of money is not cheap. Wow, people are so entitled!

Original poster
PrueHal · 08/08/2024 00:05

Sinderalla · 08/08/2024 00:03

Can I invite him to my birthday? 😳🤷‍♀️

Show quote history

I'll check if he's free 😃

OP posts:
Sinderalla · 08/08/2024 00:05

we do £100 but it's been that long from I've been at a wedding it's prob a £150 now.

NewName24 · 08/08/2024 00:07

PP is right that it isn't really any of my business what he spends on his family. But this is a serious partner I am considering marrying. I don't really want to live an extravagant lifestyle. How would he have reacted it this was a joint gift and I didn't want to give that much?

I think it's very relevant to think about.

I think it is not only very relevant to think about, but it is very important to talk about.

You are young, and you are at a stage where you are thinking about settling down together, so presumably talking about buying property together. You need to know that saving for joint goals is something you are on the same page about.

It's none of your business if you had just met, but it very much is your business if you are going to be spending the rest of your lives together.

The fact you mention he earns £15K more than you, doesn't suggest to me he is on £150K or something, when 'disposable income' would be different than it is for most people your age.

dbeuowlxb173939 · 08/08/2024 00:07

Wow yes that's a lot! For my cousin a couple of years ago we gave £50!

L0bstersLass · 08/08/2024 00:10

PrueHal · 07/08/2024 23:22

I feel like £500 would still be incredibly generous but at least a bit more reasonable

It depends how close he is to his cousin.
We gave my brother in law £500 when he got married and that was 20 years ago.

TheDuck2018 · 08/08/2024 00:10

LetsPlayShadowlands · 08/08/2024 00:02

'OK sorry but...'

You're not sorry, you're a materialistic judgy snob that looks down on people based on money. Hth.

Show quote history

My thoughts exactly! Think the username is very apt ....

Marine30 · 08/08/2024 00:13

RicherThanYews · 07/08/2024 23:47

This thread has blown my mind. My uncle and his partner put a £5 in an envelope at our wedding, it seemed normal at the time but now I'm wondering where the fuck the other £995 went.

😂😂

Cherry8809 · 08/08/2024 00:20

I gifted my youngest sister £1k at her wedding; money was tight for them, and I wanted them to be able to treat themselves to something nice or just alleviate some pressure.

As another poster said, it’s all relative to the relationship they have. It’s clear that gift giving is his love language, and I think until you share your finances, you can only really make suggestions on whether you believe the gesture is “appropriate” or not…but also appreciate that it’s his money to spend as he wishes.

BeanCountingContinues · 08/08/2024 00:24

You have to talk to him.
Does he want to save up for a mortgage? A pension?
What are his financial goals? Do they align with yours?

Marriages generally fail over money or sex. Being on the same page regards money is so, so important.

AcrossthePond55 · 08/08/2024 00:41

@PrueHal

It's estimated that financial problems contribute to 20-40% of all divorces. That means that for every 10 marriages that end in divorce, four of them are because of money. Some sources say it's the leading single cause. Sobering thought.

Depend upon it, marriage isn't going to change your DP's feelings about spending. Whether or not he'd expect you to be 'extravagant' isn't the real issue, the real issue is that he will continue to be so. Because he doesn't feel he's 'extravagant', he feels that he's spending his hard earned money as he sees fit. Do you really think you'll convince him that he doesn't 'deserve' to spend what he wants? Because I don't.

And many people who feel they're entitled to spend their hard earned money as they please also feel that the number one reason to spend that money is 'themselves'. And so their families come second to their 'needs' and their hobbies. New golf clubs, of course, and the very best there is! Large cash gift to impress his extended family? Of course!! Little Junior needs new shoes? No, his old ones look like they will still do. Oh, they have a hole? Well, take him to Primark, he doesn't need Clarks he'll grow out of them too soon.

You need to think very carefully and have more than one frank discussion before you even contemplate marrying this man.

MrsClatterbuck · 08/08/2024 00:45

Things have changed so much since we got married nearly 40 years ago. Then we didn't even have a list. We got some large presents like a nilfisk hoover le creuse casserole doulton ladies and China tea sets to an electric whisk and an electric knife. Money presents were rare. Biggest was a £50 gift voucher couple of £20 gifts. All these gifts were displayed in the house and when someone came with theirs you would display it and show them all the gifts received so far and go through the gifts explaining who had got what. Also providing tea and traybakes. It was a bit mad when you think about it now.
How times have changed. This was in NI
We did get 2 kettles 2 irons and 2 ironing boards oh and 2 toasters.

redkiteonatree · 08/08/2024 00:51

theleafandnotthetree · 07/08/2024 23:27

I would consider anything less than 100 per person kinda cheap, only because the meal alone in most hotels is 80 euro at least.

Show quote history

so what? as a wedding guest, it isn't my job to fund the party and cover my expenses. People usually spend money on clothes, travel ans accommodation on top.

Outofitagain · 08/08/2024 02:14

I think it's too much to gift a cousin and at risk of embarrassing them. Different maybe if he were absolutely loaded and that amount was a drop in the ocean for him, but it sounds like he isn't. Also different if it were a closer relationship, eg sibling or niece/nephew/godchild, but again only if he could afford it.

It does depend on cultural norms also. Not sure how they do things in Nordic countries or in America. I'm in Ireland and the 'going-rate' seems a bit higher than UK judging from threads on this topic. Personally I'd give 200 euro to a cousin as a single person (£170 approx).

ridl14 · 08/08/2024 03:24

Could it be cultural? We had family members gift us this amount for our wedding as in close aunties. English/UK only heritage I think standard is £50-100 per couple though, in that case YANBU. And in any case something you'd want to discuss (general finances) before getting married

Swipe left for the next trending thread