To think is over generous gift of money for a wedding present?

[PrueHal]

I've noticed since day one my partner is very generous with money. From early on he bought me expensive jewellery to my embarrassment, bought gifts for friends and family and used the phrase 'it's just money'. He earns 15k more than me and doing well though not loaded.

He's at a family wedding by himself (I have very good reasons for being unable to go) and as he didn't have time to pick from their gift list he tells me is giving them money - £1000!

AIBU to find this insane? And to think the bride and groom really won't expect it? I find myself thinking about the future and how I'd really not ever want to spend that on a wedding gift if we were, say, married. He is so generous but it's too much sometimes.

I've just realised that I'm viewing this through the jaded eyes of one who has recently had to trawl through obscure parental bank accounts to work out what counts as a 'close family gift' vs 'small gift' vs 'normal expenditure from income'!

Tell him not to die shortly after the gift. It'll make things simpler.

It’s very generous but I wouldn’t say it’s insane. If he can afford it and that is what he wants to give then that’s fine.

I couldn’t afford that. I think the last 2 family weddings we went to we gave £300 which was what we could afford on top of travel, accommodation etc.

To answer a PP about salary, no he earns nowhere near $150. He's below the $80 mark.

He moans about the fact he'll need to work forever to get a decent pension and he needs to save for the mortgage others mentioned so I really feel he needs to recognize that a smaller sum out of that kind of money would still be very, very generous.

I know he has a lot of money saved and almost has enough for mortgage now but yes - you get the idea.

Interesting about the Irish. I'm half Irish and all my uncles/aunts on that side gave between £300-£400 to us and that was ten years ago. Most English family gave around £150.
£1000; is an insane amount for anyone.
I would worry they'll find it embarrassing, I know I felt awkward getting the amount I did.
It's his money so up to him I suppose. If you do get serious I'd consider keeping your finances separate so you don't have to contribute £500 towards the next wedding present.

@junebirthdaygirl funnily enough when we first met he said he was suspected but undiagnosed ADHD.

That said, he does have a decent amount saved. This behaviour may account for this though by the sounds...

I would be very wary about this. It indicates that appearing well paid and affluent in front of his family is important to him. Fine to a degree, but we're sort of in that scenario with DH and his Dsis and family and circumstances have changed, but it's so hard for everyone to get out of that mentality that DH and ergo we are loaded and they are not.

£1000 seems a ridiculous amount unless it's non standard British culture. I would say £200 is generous and £500 very generous but not ridiculously so.

@Crystallizedring yes to embarrassing, as others have pointed

Both he and his cousin are working professionals. He likely earns more. But as a cousin, I don't think I'd want that pointed out by such an extravagant gift.

Also it's all new @rookiemere - he got promoted a few months ago and with it came a big salary increase.

He actually told me that growing up his family didn't have enough money to visit this side of the family. Now, he is finally able to visit them and this is his first time doing it.

It's a lot but he's not in debt, earns well and has savings. I'd much rather be with someone who was generous than was tight.

I know @DickEmery

Tightness is definitely the worst id the two options.

If his cousin is in the US (I think you mentioned that) then he should look at wedding gift-giving norms there really. What's considered generous vs embarrassingly extravagant does vary between countries and different social groups too.

Generosity is far more attractive than stinginess, however foolishness and thoughtlessness is also unattractive.

I say thoughtlessness because has your dp actually stopped and thought about how a) awkward this could be especially when it come to reciprocation, and b) how show-offy and crass this could look?

The only time I could EVER feel comfortable giving or receiving this gift would be if there were multi million pound bank accounts involved and an openly comfortable, mutual agreement of non-obligatory return from the recipient.

The wedding itself was beautiful and very expensive - groom’s parents are millionaires and bride’s family well off too (met at private school) so I’m sure we didn’t “cover our plates” but they’d never expect it as they have class. Bride and groom made a gift list that included multiple items for around £20 and then a good selection of prices up from that.

I'm cheap too. I have given £100 to friends. I just think that's plenty when you consider the number of guests and I don't see why you have to cover the cost of you attending as some people say as you're a guest and it's up to a host what they spend on a party, it shouldn't be based on what they might get back from.you. I don't think it's cheap when you add on the cost of attending most weddings in terms of travel, accommodation, drinks etc and also hen etc if you were also part of that. I'd probably give more if weddings we like they used to be - local church/registry and modest party locally with a night out for the hen.

Agree with this.
I'd be embarrassed and a bit upset to get £1000 as a gift from one of my cousins. It's too much.

If wedding's in the US, how about $500 (£390) tops? This is still extremely generous but less likely to cause upset imho.

@Outofitagain this is how I think they'll feel. I'm trying to avoid him making a faux pas!

So yes I'm going to suggest $500 as that is more than generous as it is.

If you two are planning any events in the future (wedding, baby shower) it places a horrible self expectation on the cousin - do they have to cough up a grand?

We gave £250 recently, not family but someone we are close to. I'm feeling like it was miserly now.

I think it depends what relative it is, however I’m assuming from the post it’s not a particularly close one?

Brothers/sisters/parents etc we spend £1000 on a wedding or a big birthday ie 40th but otherwise it’s usually £100 and a small gift to unwrap. Best friends it would be more. But I would give 1K to a cousin etc

To be fair my Mother in law gave us nothing; not even a card. Her rationale was my parents gave £10k so she didn’t have to give anything.

This is a very good point. Does he realise his generosity might make ppl feel negatively?

If I went to a 40th, I might bob £20 in a card. I think we live in different worlds.

actually edited, I’ve just remembered I bought my friend a £50 spa voucher. But still.

I think £500 for a cousin you like is reasonable £1k seems a bit OTT.

He sounds a bit flash

We’re going to 2 weddings within the next week. Both involve an overnight stay as they are away from home, however, both couples live locally so it’s not like they are having the weddings in their home towns.

I was going to put £50 in each of the cards and am now feeling a bit tight 😬

I understand the covering your plate a little but you don’t always get to choose what you’re eating, at one of the weddings I’m not even sure if there is going to be food as nothing has been mentioned.