To think is over generous gift of money for a wedding present?

[PrueHal]

I've noticed since day one my partner is very generous with money. From early on he bought me expensive jewellery to my embarrassment, bought gifts for friends and family and used the phrase 'it's just money'. He earns 15k more than me and doing well though not loaded.

He's at a family wedding by himself (I have very good reasons for being unable to go) and as he didn't have time to pick from their gift list he tells me is giving them money - £1000!

AIBU to find this insane? And to think the bride and groom really won't expect it? I find myself thinking about the future and how I'd really not ever want to spend that on a wedding gift if we were, say, married. He is so generous but it's too much sometimes.

But you should discuss these issues before the wedding to see if you're on the same page. Money is apparently the number one reason to divorce. It's good to have joint goals for the future.

My question is - how much does he earn and can he afford this?

To gift that much he must be earning around 150k a year? Even then 1k gift will make a dent?

is he debt ridden? Does he have a inheritance

I too think £500 would be more appropriate.

Again I think it depends on closeness to the cousin and cultural traditions. When we got married, some family gave us that amount as a way to 'help' because we never asked for support or contributions. It was unexpected but also amazing. And then some guests gave £50 or even nothing which was also fine as they would've spent money to attend and given us a day. It just depends..

Does he have ADHD?. My ds has a diagnosis and he only thinks of the moment. He would happily give someone 1000 but would then be shocked if l didn't want to give him 200 as he is now broke. He is so generous but it's madness as he can't hold money. He is literally have it/ spend it. He has very little capacity to save. He would give me his last penny but struggles with the fact l won't give him my last penny. Its a huge issue and possibly the most negative aspect of his diagnosis. There are lots of positives.

That's not true. Some people are generous. No way, someone like Op's bf would be buying his own child shoes from primark.

I bet this was probably one of the better weddings you’ve attended as well! We spent the equivalent 26 years ago, provided buffet food from the local supermarket, and apart from a glass of bubbly for the toasts (£5 corkage per bottle), everyone bought their own drinks.Even today, friends and family said it was the one wedding they really enjoyed because it was relaxed and not pretentious.

As for wedding gifts, you give what you can.

Blimey, I think around £100 per couple is fine and perfectly generous. I did an online calculator thing recently that was based on a survey and it suggested that £100 per couple is well within the norm. I’ll try and find it to post it. A lot depends on how much to give including a balance of your own finances and what you can afford combined with your relationship with the couple. I have loads of cousins but am not close to them so I wouldn’t expect to treat them or have them treat me with an embarrassing degree of generosity. They are regular people and I’d feel really uncomfortable receiving such an insane amount even if they were multi millionaires because then it would seem a bit flashy and crass.

When dh and I got married twenty years ago we had an online gift list where the most generous gifts in it were worth £100 - equivalent to about £150 now. Most people spent today’s equivalent to £50. Even so, gifts weren’t expected and we certainly didn’t expect our wedding costs to be covered!

When did people get so grabby?

Seems alot for a cousin, unless they are very close

I thought £50 a couple was about standard. When we got married that was about what people gave. It was a reasonably fancy wedding. I don't really see it as them paying back for their meal, it's my wedding I'm paying for it. I see it more on the same level as a birthday gift. If someone had given us £1000, especially a cousin-level person I would have rang them straight away thinking there was a mistake. I would also have felt extremely uncomfortable about it.

@theleafandnotthetree "I would consider anything less than 100 per person kinda cheap, only because the meal alone in most hotels is 80 euro at least"

So you're paying for your dinner? 😮

In your opinion it’s cheap. At our wedding (albeit 13 years ago). Most couples gave between 20 and 50. We live in northern uk for reference.
I would have for someone to have not come to our wedding for fear of being ‘cheap’. In our area £50 is fairly normal.

We’re in Ireland and people tend to be very generous here

Are you Irish? Just wondering, because I’ve been told that in Ireland you’re expected to cover the cost of your ‘plate’.

I don’t think the same applies in much of the U.K. You give what seems reasonable and what you can afford.

If someone gave me £1000, I would think it was overly flashy and a bit tacky/ show off tbh. I know my friend in Australia was gifted designer handbags and a laptop though so so I think it depends on country/ area

I also thought £50 was a normal amount. As a family none of us are extravagant gift givers, though we spend more on experience type gifts.

A recent wedding we went to cost us about £600 with outfits, hotels and travels. The wedding was lovely, I feel the gift is rather beside the point. I could have given more if we hadn't attended, but I feel that celebrating together is more important. I much preferred it when we were allowed to actually give people a present rather than money.

How much does he earn and is his cousin less well off?

We gave a large gift (would typically give £100) to a family member to whom we are really close as a family and who had really struggled for a very long time to afford their (not at all extravagant).

There may be a backstory.

It's too much. £100 would be fine. I give £50 to close friends.

Where are you from? 10 weddings a year in your 20’s - who can cough up £500 a time?!
(plus the £200 hotel, outfits etc).
Our wedding 13 years ago 150 guests, about £3k total gifts. (Averages £20 a person)

Exactly, it's a gift, not a ticket price.

If he would like to give that amount- why not offer to pay for a part of the wedding- they might appreciate that?

£1000 is a lot! The most we got was £500 from an uncle and aunt and that was very very generous. I’m Asian and £200-£400 was standard for family presents. But I would echo other posters and say this is none of your business tbh

£100 is not cheap! Every wedding we go do we gift £100 and I know many others who also gift this amount.

OP, past behaviour is a huge predictor of future behaviour.

He is a Billy Big Bollixs......someone who likes to show off, flash money, be the big man.

Indicates huge issues and insecurities, lack of self esteem.

Not a man you ever want to be sharing finances with, much less your life.

If you do progress in your relationship you'd no doubt have serious discussions about money, even if he wants to carry on giving family members a fair amount on their weddings there's ways to arrange it so you get equal amounts of money to spend as you please- doesn't need to be a deal breaker necessarily. Currently though unless you're mentally spending his money already then how does it affect you?

I think it's nice to be honest, assuming he isn't getting into debt over it i suspect it's just a way to financially support a family member that isn't as weird as just giving a cheque randomly. If you dislike it though then your choice to end the relationship over him giving money he can seemingly afford to a close family member.