Page 9 | Childcare - is she being a CF?

MeAgainAndAgain · 08/08/2024 14:37

OP you sound really kind and loving towards your niece. But like someone said, when you help you’re allowing them to continue being shit parents. But then you don’t help and the child suffers.

Do you know her school? Is she local? Can you get advice from a children’s centre maybe? The whole situation is not sustainable. Are you close enough that in the future she can walk to your house? She’s firmly in the section of ‘it’s all shit, but not shit enough for anyone to do anything’.

CautiousLurker · 08/08/2024 14:38

Hardknocks · 07/08/2024 17:01

Sorry didn’t mean to drip feed. She’s my brothers wife, DH is taking DD to see his mum Thursday so really can’t expect him to take her too, so essentially she would be at my house watching tv for 2 days which isn’t good for anyone. However SIL is practically begging saying she can’t take the time off work yadda yadda.

She also doesn’t drive so needs me to pick her up and drop her back each day 🙄 hate being put in this position. I love my niece and she really is no trouble but she needs more interaction than being shoved in front of a screen all day.

I think it’s out of order to expect DH to look after DN on his day off or change his plans. Just say no, DH has made other plans for Thurs and will not be available.

She’ll have to get compassionate leave/take a day off/work from home. Like other parents do.

Leanmeansmitingmachine · 08/08/2024 15:21

Let me guess, the brother doesn’t drive because he’s been banned…?

masterblaster · 08/08/2024 17:33

eish · 07/08/2024 16:57

I would agree to Thursday as DH is not working but absolutely refuse Friday. You are working.

Why is DH’s day off less important than OP’s time?

dcthatsme · 08/08/2024 17:38

Why doesn’t your DH take his niece along to see their grandmother with your DC? If you’re working on Friday and your child is in childcare you can’t look after your niece. You’ll feel really responsible for her and it’ll make working tough.

Mamasperspective · 08/08/2024 17:49

"Sorry SIL but no we can't. We pay for childcare so that we don't have children at home and can do what we need to do, such as work. I would suggest you source a paid childminder for a couple of days or see if there is any sort of holiday club that your child can go to"

DaughterofZion · 08/08/2024 17:54

y’all are so weird and habe no sense of family responsibility. Your niece is 10. Your SIL has never asked you to help in 10 years and this one time, you’re on mumsnet seeking strangers opinions on helping out a family member in need. You need a good introspection on why you even hesitated. A 10 year old can entertain themselves, feed themselves and generally not be any nuisance. Grow up and read up on family values and relationships.

Blondeshavemorefun · 08/08/2024 18:03

Because op is working

be different if day off /weekend

Amazingly the brother aka dad. He can now have his daughter

SouthLondonMum22 · 08/08/2024 18:12

DaughterofZion · 08/08/2024 17:54

y’all are so weird and habe no sense of family responsibility. Your niece is 10. Your SIL has never asked you to help in 10 years and this one time, you’re on mumsnet seeking strangers opinions on helping out a family member in need. You need a good introspection on why you even hesitated. A 10 year old can entertain themselves, feed themselves and generally not be any nuisance. Grow up and read up on family values and relationships.

OP is working. She has her own responsibilities.

Abigail47 · 08/08/2024 18:14

DaughterofZion · 08/08/2024 17:54

y’all are so weird and habe no sense of family responsibility. Your niece is 10. Your SIL has never asked you to help in 10 years and this one time, you’re on mumsnet seeking strangers opinions on helping out a family member in need. You need a good introspection on why you even hesitated. A 10 year old can entertain themselves, feed themselves and generally not be any nuisance. Grow up and read up on family values and relationships.

You're weird to think that everyone gets along with their families.

A lot of people don't.

My last boyfriend never speaks to his brother, ever.

My mother has six siblings. She speaks to three. She never speaks to the other three as they don't get on.

A lot of people don't even speak to their siblings, let alone mind their children for them

MustWeDoThis · 08/08/2024 18:20

Hardknocks · 07/08/2024 16:55

DH and I both work full time, but he’s off on a Thursday when he looks after DD who is 2.

SIL works 10-4 Monday to Friday and has so far avoided paying for any childcare for 10 year old niece by getting the neighbour to watch her..

Anyway the neighbour can’t do tomorrow or Friday so she has (just) text me to say please could DH have her tomorrow and I have her at home with me Friday (I WFH). I have work meetings but she said oh don’t worry she will just watch tv.. DH thinks she’s being a complete CF. I feel guilty for potentially saying no and leaving her in the lurch but also pissed off that I’m essentially paying for childcare for DD and looking after someone else’s child.

WWYD?

I WFH and have a 10, 11, and 16yr old. I put myself on mute if one of them enters the room, or if there's any noise and firmly explain that they need to be quiet for a certain period of time and move to a different part of the house, or go out to play.

If they were toddlers, it would be a different story. A 10 year old can entertain themselves. Good for SIL, for not paying someone else's easy lifestyle. UC pays a large chunk, but a lot of people do not know this. Perhaps she cannot afford it? I used to get really peed off paying a portion of my wages to a CM, only to see said CM living the high-life at posh spa's, cocktail bars, days out with her own kids while I slogged my guts out at work. I quickly nipped that in the bud. I had nothing to show for my wages and my kids were also going without. I hired a babysitter whom I knew personally and was happy for the work experience and extra income.

(My CM fees were extortionate! £700 to 1K a month - With help!).

Help your SIL. Every Mother needs a helping hand and we as women should support one another when in hardship, without ripping one another off. Your husband is being unfair. It's his sister! Shame on him.

Delphiniumandlupins · 08/08/2024 18:34

dcthatsme · 08/08/2024 17:38

Why doesn’t your DH take his niece along to see their grandmother with your DC? If you’re working on Friday and your child is in childcare you can’t look after your niece. You’ll feel really responsible for her and it’ll make working tough.

It's not their grandmother. DH was taking his child to see his mother. The niece is his wife's brother's child, therefore no relation to the granny.

Delphiniumandlupins · 08/08/2024 18:35

DaughterofZion · 08/08/2024 17:54

y’all are so weird and habe no sense of family responsibility. Your niece is 10. Your SIL has never asked you to help in 10 years and this one time, you’re on mumsnet seeking strangers opinions on helping out a family member in need. You need a good introspection on why you even hesitated. A 10 year old can entertain themselves, feed themselves and generally not be any nuisance. Grow up and read up on family values and relationships.

Seems OP looks after her niece regularly at weekends.

Delphiniumandlupins · 08/08/2024 18:38

MustWeDoThis · 08/08/2024 18:20

I WFH and have a 10, 11, and 16yr old. I put myself on mute if one of them enters the room, or if there's any noise and firmly explain that they need to be quiet for a certain period of time and move to a different part of the house, or go out to play.

If they were toddlers, it would be a different story. A 10 year old can entertain themselves. Good for SIL, for not paying someone else's easy lifestyle. UC pays a large chunk, but a lot of people do not know this. Perhaps she cannot afford it? I used to get really peed off paying a portion of my wages to a CM, only to see said CM living the high-life at posh spa's, cocktail bars, days out with her own kids while I slogged my guts out at work. I quickly nipped that in the bud. I had nothing to show for my wages and my kids were also going without. I hired a babysitter whom I knew personally and was happy for the work experience and extra income.

(My CM fees were extortionate! £700 to 1K a month - With help!).

Help your SIL. Every Mother needs a helping hand and we as women should support one another when in hardship, without ripping one another off. Your husband is being unfair. It's his sister! Shame on him.

Show quote history

SiL is not DH's sister. She is OP's brother's partner.

Lollipop81 · 08/08/2024 18:38

As a one off I wouldn’t mind. You may need the favour returned one day

laraitopbanana · 08/08/2024 18:43

Hi op,

If your child isn't present then I would say no. For the reason that you stated…she CAN stay home with her child 🤷🏼‍♀️ and she doesn’t get to throw her DD to anyone…

I would contact the day before just to check that niece isn’t just left alone if she needs more or with a complete stranger…

if you say yes, that will be a precedent and you are in for a loooong ride.

Good luck!🌺

laraitopbanana · 08/08/2024 18:45

Delphiniumandlupins · 08/08/2024 18:34

It's not their grandmother. DH was taking his child to see his mother. The niece is his wife's brother's child, therefore no relation to the granny.

Show quote history

Erm…you do realise that if they are brothers and have children…both set of children are having the same grandmother from their side right?
that is not granny from mom’s side but still granny though!

SouthLondonMum22 · 08/08/2024 18:46

MustWeDoThis · 08/08/2024 18:20

I WFH and have a 10, 11, and 16yr old. I put myself on mute if one of them enters the room, or if there's any noise and firmly explain that they need to be quiet for a certain period of time and move to a different part of the house, or go out to play.

If they were toddlers, it would be a different story. A 10 year old can entertain themselves. Good for SIL, for not paying someone else's easy lifestyle. UC pays a large chunk, but a lot of people do not know this. Perhaps she cannot afford it? I used to get really peed off paying a portion of my wages to a CM, only to see said CM living the high-life at posh spa's, cocktail bars, days out with her own kids while I slogged my guts out at work. I quickly nipped that in the bud. I had nothing to show for my wages and my kids were also going without. I hired a babysitter whom I knew personally and was happy for the work experience and extra income.

(My CM fees were extortionate! £700 to 1K a month - With help!).

Help your SIL. Every Mother needs a helping hand and we as women should support one another when in hardship, without ripping one another off. Your husband is being unfair. It's his sister! Shame on him.

Show quote history

Hardship? She’s had free childcare for 10 years and was expecting someone who is trying to work to continue to provide her with free childcare.

Not to mention also picking her up and dropping her off afterwards.

If they are stuck then one of them has to stay home. Which is exactly what happened.

HaddawayAndShite · 08/08/2024 18:50

A self employed tradesman that doesn't drive? How does he cart his kit about?

laraitopbanana · 08/08/2024 18:51

Hardknocks · 07/08/2024 21:13

I just want to clear a few things up.

I have absolutely no issue in looking after her. She’s lovely, easy and always has been (despite the unfortunate volatile circumstances at home).

What I have an issue with is being text at 4pm the day before to say they have no other option and can I do it. I was asking if others would find this a bit cheeky or if I was being unreasonable in feeling annoyed and if the same thing happened to you how you’d feel before I responded to her.

I work in a role that isn’t customer facing and a lot of it is purely admin/email based so I could plonk her on the sofa and pop down to check on her when I make cups of tea. BUT I was asking if 2 days of screen time is ok for a 10 year old, and what other options there are for her to entertain herself. I have a 2 year old and have zero ideas about 10 year olds, or their capacity to look after themselves. Hence why I was asking if it was feasible to WFH with a 10 year old.

I don’t have a good relationship with my brother. He’s a self employed tradesmen (hence why he can’t take DN to work with him), he isn’t a good dad, he’s a heavy drinker and aggressive, and I communicate mainly with SIL hence why it’s her I’m speaking about. Neither of them drive, which is why transport falls to me.

DH has changed his plans for tomorrow, so he will take them both out and I’ve changed to a half day Friday so we figured a workaround to help them on THIS OCCASION which I’ve made very clear in my message to SIL, because she said if I couldn’t do it, she would leave DN home alone and I would rather she was with me as this isn’t her fault or doing, it’s her parents poor planning.

I just came on here for a sounding board and some opinions/advice, but for some reason a lot of responses are very bitchy and angry, which you always find on AIBU so I guess I should’ve known better…

Oh and bloody hell of course I’ll feed her!

Just seen that, glad all sorted 👌🏼

Rosscameasdoody · 08/08/2024 18:55

dcthatsme · 08/08/2024 17:38

Why doesn’t your DH take his niece along to see their grandmother with your DC? If you’re working on Friday and your child is in childcare you can’t look after your niece. You’ll feel really responsible for her and it’ll make working tough.

Because she’s not the grandmother. Niece is his wife's brother's child. No relation.

Rosscameasdoody · 08/08/2024 18:57

laraitopbanana · 08/08/2024 18:45

Erm…you do realise that if they are brothers and have children…both set of children are having the same grandmother from their side right?
that is not granny from mom’s side but still granny though!

Show quote history

Wife’s brother’s child. How is that anything to do with the grandmother ?

CantFindMyMarbles · 08/08/2024 18:59

She’s 10. It’s a one off. Just have her and let her sit on her iPad or the TV while you’re in meetings.

Original poster

Hardknocks · 08/08/2024 18:59

Sorry I have clearly confused everyone 😂

My niece is my brothers child. My DH takes OUR child to see HIS mum on a Thursday. My niece is of no relation to my DH.

OP posts:

Jeannie88 · 08/08/2024 19:00

Do it once, gratitude, do it twice it becomes the norm. Best to be honest from the start, it's absolutely not fair you pay for your child to be looked after and then babysit hers. She needs to wake up to reality that others can't be expected to do it as favours, especially when working. Xx