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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Childcare - is she being a CF?

268 replies

Hardknocks · 07/08/2024 16:55

DH and I both work full time, but he’s off on a Thursday when he looks after DD who is 2.

SIL works 10-4 Monday to Friday and has so far avoided paying for any childcare for 10 year old niece by getting the neighbour to watch her..

Anyway the neighbour can’t do tomorrow or Friday so she has (just) text me to say please could DH have her tomorrow and I have her at home with me Friday (I WFH). I have work meetings but she said oh don’t worry she will just watch tv.. DH thinks she’s being a complete CF. I feel guilty for potentially saying no and leaving her in the lurch but also pissed off that I’m essentially paying for childcare for DD and looking after someone else’s child.

WWYD?

OP posts:
Jeannie88 · 08/08/2024 19:01

EatTheGnome · 07/08/2024 17:11

I wouldn't do it.

I'd say sorry, dh has plans and your employer has a strict no kids while wfh policy and you know people who have been sacked for it so you cannot risk it.

Ignore any wheeling because its cunty to push you after you've said that.

This!

Zanatdy · 08/08/2024 19:06

See it was sorted but you’re right to make it clear it’s a one off. I’ve seen a few threads like this whereby people using relatives having booked no childcare. It’s so cheeky

diddl · 08/08/2024 19:09

My niece is of no relation to my DH.

Isn't she also his niece?

Delphiniumandlupins · 08/08/2024 19:11

laraitopbanana · 08/08/2024 18:45

Erm…you do realise that if they are brothers and have children…both set of children are having the same grandmother from their side right?
that is not granny from mom’s side but still granny though!

Show quote history

They are not brothers. My husband's brother is not related to my brother.

dcthatsme · 08/08/2024 19:11

Hardknocks · 07/08/2024 21:13

I just want to clear a few things up.

I have absolutely no issue in looking after her. She’s lovely, easy and always has been (despite the unfortunate volatile circumstances at home).

What I have an issue with is being text at 4pm the day before to say they have no other option and can I do it. I was asking if others would find this a bit cheeky or if I was being unreasonable in feeling annoyed and if the same thing happened to you how you’d feel before I responded to her.

I work in a role that isn’t customer facing and a lot of it is purely admin/email based so I could plonk her on the sofa and pop down to check on her when I make cups of tea. BUT I was asking if 2 days of screen time is ok for a 10 year old, and what other options there are for her to entertain herself. I have a 2 year old and have zero ideas about 10 year olds, or their capacity to look after themselves. Hence why I was asking if it was feasible to WFH with a 10 year old.

I don’t have a good relationship with my brother. He’s a self employed tradesmen (hence why he can’t take DN to work with him), he isn’t a good dad, he’s a heavy drinker and aggressive, and I communicate mainly with SIL hence why it’s her I’m speaking about. Neither of them drive, which is why transport falls to me.

DH has changed his plans for tomorrow, so he will take them both out and I’ve changed to a half day Friday so we figured a workaround to help them on THIS OCCASION which I’ve made very clear in my message to SIL, because she said if I couldn’t do it, she would leave DN home alone and I would rather she was with me as this isn’t her fault or doing, it’s her parents poor planning.

I just came on here for a sounding board and some opinions/advice, but for some reason a lot of responses are very bitchy and angry, which you always find on AIBU so I guess I should’ve known better…

Oh and bloody hell of course I’ll feed her!

Sounds like a great solution. It's good of you to help out :-)

Delphiniumandlupins · 08/08/2024 19:16

Hardknocks · 08/08/2024 18:59

Sorry I have clearly confused everyone 😂

My niece is my brothers child. My DH takes OUR child to see HIS mum on a Thursday. My niece is of no relation to my DH.

Not everyone is confused.

Splitting hairs, I would say your niece is also your DH's niece. She is definitely not his mother's grandchild though.

Poppingmad123 · 08/08/2024 19:16

Just say no. The more you err.. over it, the more wiggle room you give her.

You can’t do it (and don’t want to) as you’re working and your husband has already made plans.

Repeat until she gets it.

Original poster
Hardknocks · 08/08/2024 19:17

Well yes it is his niece and he was going to take her to the farm with DD but I wouldn’t have asked him to take her with him to visit his family, she would’ve just felt awkward more than anything.

Anyway, it is sorted now so thank you for everyone’s comments

OP posts:
Thebellofstclements · 08/08/2024 19:19

Obviously you can't have a child under your care while you WFH. You wouldn't take her into the office, would you?

LadyGabriella · 08/08/2024 19:28

If it’s just a one off I would do it. Not worth ruining relationship with SIL over. If the child really does just watch tv it won’t be much inconvenience. However I would not let it become a recurring arrangement.

Iamnotalemming · 08/08/2024 19:34

I don't think you're unreasonable, the short notice request, the guilt trip and the taking for granted that you'll accommodate your DN whenever asked is not reasonable. Sounds like a tough situation. Important to put some boundaries in place to the extent that you can.

CatherineDurrant · 08/08/2024 20:29

Say no, you're unable to help, you're working. DH has plans, sorry.

I'd give her the number of your childcare and suggest she call them in the first instance.

Boysgrownbutstillathome · 08/08/2024 20:29

Instead of her sitting in front of the tv all day, why not give her some jobs to do to help out ( obviously nothing that could be dangerous).

Woww2 · 08/08/2024 20:45

You are way out there comparing childcare for a 2 year old to childcare for a 10 year old.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 08/08/2024 20:54

It’s a bit rubbish that the BIL has now decided he can take the time off after your DH changed his plans - why did he decide that at the last minute? Sadly, the trip to the farm sounds nicer than being with her horrible dad 😢

But he’s fine to leave you with the day that puts you out rather than your Dh?

Bowies · 08/08/2024 21:08

If I could do it I would, presumably SIL will have to take time off work at short notice as may be difficult to find 2 days em. cover.

Original poster
Hardknocks · 08/08/2024 21:10

So I’m back with an update.

DH went and picked DN up at lunch time because he thought it’ll still be nice for her to have an afternoon at the farm and she can sleepover. They still needed cover for Friday, and I’m working half day so said fine - I can manage 3 hours, she can watch a film.

7:30pm, I’m getting everyone bathed and into pj’s, her mum rings to say oh she’s just had tomorrow approved as annual leave, and what time would I be bringing her back in the afternoon as she can get her shopping done in the morning.

So yeah, egg on my face. She knows full well I don’t have time in the morning to get everyone ready, drop DD off, drop DN home and start work for 8:30am, so I’ve been absolutely mugged off here.

Never, ever happening again. Thankfully DN is an angel, and has had a great time today which is the only reason I’m not losing my mind.

OP posts:
WhamBamThankU · 08/08/2024 21:13

You sound like you have a lovely relationship with your niece @Hardknocks Flowers her parents are wankers.

Ohnobackagain · 08/08/2024 21:14

@Hardknocks can you call her bluff by starting and finishing earlier so you CAN drop her off 😬

Bowies · 08/08/2024 21:15

Presumably SIL had requested em. Annual leave to try to deal with the breakdown in childcare?

Ask her to come and pick up DN tomorrow as she now has time off and you are working?

Foxybyname · 08/08/2024 21:15

Ah, you and your DH sound lovely. Your DN is lucky to have you x

coxesorangepippin · 08/08/2024 21:18

Bear in mind that she does not mind putting you in this position

She has no shame

Original poster
Hardknocks · 08/08/2024 21:18

No, I’ve been had on. It’s not the first time, and sadly probably won’t be the last but DN is currently singing along to the greatest showman with DH, which is better than whatever crap is going on at her home so I’ll take it as a lesson and deal with it better next time!

OP posts:
Drizzlethru · 08/08/2024 21:21

Can you signpost her to childcare provision …. Cheaper to pay fir a day’s actuvitues than lose a day’s pay.i pay &28 for a day

MeAgainAndAgain · 08/08/2024 21:23

You know what OP? You might feel like that now, but when niece is an adult she will know exactly where she had the good times and who made her feel safe and welcomed. Her parents have lost out over these few days, not you. Once again (!) you showed your niece what love, family and acceptance looks like, and more importantly, what they feel like.

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