Childcare - is she being a CF?

[Hardknocks]

DH and I both work full time, but he’s off on a Thursday when he looks after DD who is 2.

SIL works 10-4 Monday to Friday and has so far avoided paying for any childcare for 10 year old niece by getting the neighbour to watch her..

Anyway the neighbour can’t do tomorrow or Friday so she has (just) text me to say please could DH have her tomorrow and I have her at home with me Friday (I WFH). I have work meetings but she said oh don’t worry she will just watch tv.. DH thinks she’s being a complete CF. I feel guilty for potentially saying no and leaving her in the lurch but also pissed off that I’m essentially paying for childcare for DD and looking after someone else’s child.

WWYD?

Sounds like it's the first time she's asked so not sure why you are in such a tiz over this this. She's 10 not 10 months and a couple days watching tv isn't going to kill her (or you for that matter)

@Hardknocks even the most flexible employer usually has something in the WFH policy along the lines of ‘work from home is not a substitute for child care and if you children at home you’re expected to use vacation to cover etc’. The point is, it’s a distraction.

I agree actually. At least on her dh’s day off, not the wfh day. She is working.

I just want to clear a few things up.

I have absolutely no issue in looking after her. She’s lovely, easy and always has been (despite the unfortunate volatile circumstances at home).

What I have an issue with is being text at 4pm the day before to say they have no other option and can I do it. I was asking if others would find this a bit cheeky or if I was being unreasonable in feeling annoyed and if the same thing happened to you how you’d feel before I responded to her.

I work in a role that isn’t customer facing and a lot of it is purely admin/email based so I could plonk her on the sofa and pop down to check on her when I make cups of tea. BUT I was asking if 2 days of screen time is ok for a 10 year old, and what other options there are for her to entertain herself. I have a 2 year old and have zero ideas about 10 year olds, or their capacity to look after themselves. Hence why I was asking if it was feasible to WFH with a 10 year old.

I don’t have a good relationship with my brother. He’s a self employed tradesmen (hence why he can’t take DN to work with him), he isn’t a good dad, he’s a heavy drinker and aggressive, and I communicate mainly with SIL hence why it’s her I’m speaking about. Neither of them drive, which is why transport falls to me.

DH has changed his plans for tomorrow, so he will take them both out and I’ve changed to a half day Friday so we figured a workaround to help them on THIS OCCASION which I’ve made very clear in my message to SIL, because she said if I couldn’t do it, she would leave DN home alone and I would rather she was with me as this isn’t her fault or doing, it’s her parents poor planning.

I just came on here for a sounding board and some opinions/advice, but for some reason a lot of responses are very bitchy and angry, which you always find on AIBU so I guess I should’ve known better…

Oh and bloody hell of course I’ll feed her!

because she said if I couldn’t do it, she would leave DN home alone

Hmm.

That's nice.

@diddl yes - hence why we look after her most weekends, to give her a break from shitty parents!

I suspect she pulls the 'I'll have to leave her alone with the neighbour which is why she's been getting free childcare. I strongly suspect the neighbour has now put her foot down and refusing to help.

You are very kind op but this won't be the end, you and your dh are moving plans and taking time off work to look after your dn when it should be her parents that are taking time off and moving plans, even if it did mean losing money. I'll bet my bottom dollar she asks again next week

It's often the case that shit parents have people helping them to carry on being shit parents.

I know @BuggeryBumFlaps and she knows I find saying no hard because we adore DN, and unfortunately as a child of two alcoholic parents myself who didn’t have that support system or person to look after me, I feel as though I’m looking after the little version of myself - as bloody stupid as that sounds.

Anyway, I digress from the point of the thread. Let’s see what happens next week.. but I’ve vowed to DH to put my foot down, so I will.

It's a hard one. She's manipulated you by saying she'll leave DN home alone. It worked. It'll happen again. She's already figured out your weak spot because DN needs the stability.

My friend pulled similar with her MIL, who ended up looking after DC more than 50% of the time, including school pickups, activities, nights during the week, every weekend etc. because friend figured out how to manipulate her with desperate pleas (was SAHM). If MIL couldn't, she'd contact me, hinting how desperate she was. I felt bad, but wasn't taking on more (her DC were hard work).

Shit parents will always find others to look after their DC.

My thoughts as well @diddl

Does sil want Social services round ?

Emotional blackmail at its finest !!

Plus I don't know any tradesman
Esp self employed who cant drive

How on Earth does he run his business and get to job to job to quote and actually work

Or has he lost his license as you mention he's a heavy drinker

Just say it's not possible as you're working and it would be too much of a distraction to be responsible for DN, you really need to concentrate on work meetings. If your SIL is not happy, that's her problem. It's not your job to sort out her childcare.

Plus I don't know any tradesman
Esp self employed who cant drive

It's SIL who doesn't drive.

But you'd think Op's brother would at least be offering to drop his daughter off!

OP said neither of them drive @diddl.

Panic over anyway, brother text me at 7am to say he’s decided to take the day off, so all that drama for nothing.

OP, you are a lovely aunt. Your DN is lucky to have you and it's very valuable for her to have the safety of your home as you've identified. It sounds like she may need your support - even if it's just emotional - in the future and you have the experience to help.
Totally reasonable to be annoyed at your brother and SIL though. I truly hope they don't make your DN feel like a burden (even unintentionally).

I would get DH to say something about sorting suitable childcare. This is batshit.

@Hardknocks You are a kind and steady presence in your DN's life, which is incredibly valuable. She must love you very much for being there for her. You sound a really nice person. All the very best to you.

Are they still expecting you to cover for tomorrow though?

Based on the amount you do for them at the weekends, you are aware that your child doesn't get 100% of your attention when you're not at work as their weekends are shared with their cousin that you're looking after? When do they get a weekend without their cousin being involved???

I'd be sorely tempted (though I wouldn't do it) in suggesting to Brother that if he doesn't get his head out of his arse and start stepping up and being a parent to his daughter, he's going to miss out on her growing up (probably missed so much already) and that SiL is getting burnt out so before long don't be surprised of Social Services stick their noses in to make sure all is right.

Terrible role models that your niece has in her house - you're at least a bit of relief for her.

@LookItsMeAgain we don’t have her every weekend, she stays with my mum a couple of weekends a month, though she isn’t nearby. Plus I spend all my evenings etc with DD, I have no doubt she’s getting enough attention 🌺

He has missed her growing up, and he knows it, but I don’t really think he cares. Her mum is better.. but not great. But I trust that she at least cares for her. The whole situation is a mess and social services were involved when she was a baby but they were deemed safe.

I’ve posted about her on here before, as it’s an upsetting situation. We just do the best we can to give her some stability and a normal childhood, it’s not her fault she was born to my crap brother.

Why isn't your brother making these requests of his family rather than leaving admin to SIL?

Poor woman probs run ragged working and sorting childcare while he doesn't worry himself?

Ignore my post, just saw your update

Apologies-I missed that.

Tell the fucker ‘no way’.

Tell the fucker ‘no way’.