Childcare - is she being a CF?

[Hardknocks]

DH and I both work full time, but he’s off on a Thursday when he looks after DD who is 2.

SIL works 10-4 Monday to Friday and has so far avoided paying for any childcare for 10 year old niece by getting the neighbour to watch her..

Anyway the neighbour can’t do tomorrow or Friday so she has (just) text me to say please could DH have her tomorrow and I have her at home with me Friday (I WFH). I have work meetings but she said oh don’t worry she will just watch tv.. DH thinks she’s being a complete CF. I feel guilty for potentially saying no and leaving her in the lurch but also pissed off that I’m essentially paying for childcare for DD and looking after someone else’s child.

WWYD?

@MeAgainAndAgain ah you made me cry! Thank you, that means a lot. Growing up in the same situation I knew I would never put my DD through that, and I say to DN when she grows up and has her own family, it will be different and it really will be 🌺 but until then we will always be her safe place.

I cannot believe you're update.

SIL manipulated you by saying she would leave DN home alone. She will trot that our next time.

You've also proven that you can have DN home while you WFH AND given up half a day you could spend with your own child AND you've probably pissed off your employer and team by requesting leave last minute so someone else needs to do the work.

Sorry to put the knife in, I'm not cross with you, I'm angry at how willing her and your brother are to put you in such a terrible position. I would be fucking livid if someone shamelessly manipulated me like that.

@EatTheGnome trust me, I am. I feel like a complete idiot.

And send a 2 year old into a home to be looked after by adults who drink and argue a lot? 😮

Haha yes I would never, ever, ever leave DD in their care.But again, they probably know that.

You sound lovely. Your DB and DSil don’t.

They know they can play you. Going forward only you can decide what you will accept given all the circumstances both past and present.

I understand your wanting to give your DN stability, love and care. But this can’t be at the detriment to your job. Also you’ve been mugged off once again with SIL now going shopping even though she has time off. Perhaps you really do need to make a stand for the future otherwise it’s just going to be a recurring theme. They obviously just expect you to follow their own agenda. I think you should start by setting your own.

Hi OP,

Glad everything's sorted. Can I just ask a question, you said you grew up with both parents being alcoholics yet your DN spends weekends away with your DM. Is your mum better these days? How is your DNs time at your mums?

@Mirable yes, that’s a complicated one. My mum hasn’t drank for the best part of 10 years now. Unfortunately I just witnessed too much to trust DD in her care alone, but I will admit she is a much, much better Nanny than she was a mum. DN adores my mum and loves spending time with her.

She's the using type.
Easy for me to say from a distance, but I definitely wouldn't start this as a precedent.
Nip in the bud now or you will become the standby childminder.

In the future, perhaps it's best to look at this not as a favour to disappointing family but as something positive for a neice you love. Worst case scenario you've gone into this stuff eyes open so you won't feel deceived in.

Do people who look after other people's children have to be registered? I thought that was the whole point in naming someone in lockdowns, because the only people who could care for children when the parent's couldn't were grandparents. There could not be contact with registered child minders during lockdown and there was a danger of parents being taken ill and no one to look after the children.

It changed the lockdown rules. Parents were allowed to name someone other than grandparents to care for children.

I may be wrong of course.

There was a case years ago when two policewomen looked after one another's children. Neither was registered child minder and I think they were fined.

I think that was more to do with renumeration and the government getting their cut. I think the issue was that it was trading time rather than buying time. Time given with no renumeration is not an issue.

@Hardknocks how far away does DN live? Can you start to teach her how to use public transport to get near to you even if you need to pick her up from the bus/train stop? The older she gets the more she will be able to sit and study/ watch TV while you work. It also sounds like you are her safe space. As she moves towards being a teenager and having her own temptations you may be her best chance of breaking the pattern, being able to get to you under her own steam will help to protect her.

I always take the opportunity to help friends family with childcare occasionally - comes in helpful when your in a desperate situation too. Summer hols are a killer

If you're working and paying for childcare on that day, then you can't. If not working then sure it's reasonable to ask. If your husband is off to take care of your daughter then should be nice for her to have her cousin over - but it's hubby's decision. The fact that she has her daughter stay at a neighbours usually is irrelevant - that is he good luck. Presumably she has a partner or at least father of child...

Does sil pay the neighbour ?

I can't imagine a neighbour doing it for free every day

Does she have own kids ? Old or young ?

And how far away are they ? Can they get a taxi to yours or a bus

Why should you always drive ?

Just after seeing your update from last night at about 21:30 -
"I’m getting everyone bathed and into pj’s, her mum rings to say oh she’s just had tomorrow approved as annual leave, and what time would I be bringing her back in the afternoon as she can get her shopping done in the morning."

So you should have replied, "Oh, don't you remember, I have meetings in the morning and I was only covering for you as a last resort so if you're now available - I'll drop DN off before I start work. That's such a relief!"

I did see the bit where you said that you'd have no time to get DN back home, get your DD to the nursery and get back home in time to start work at 08:30 but I beg to differ - drop your niece home at 6:30am, get back home then get your own DD out and to nursery and then get home to start work at 08:30 - it would be my challenge to make sure it would happen and that she doesn't get a morning to herself.

Leave her ZERO wiggle room to get out of. She really doesn't deserve it.

Are you saying that people do not have to register to care for other people's children now?

Let your husband decide for the Thursday & you say no to the Friday. You're working & have your own child's childcare sorted to allow you to work. Explain that to her. Whether she sits watching TV or not you'd still be responsible for her.