Autistic daughter - to ask what’s “in” for School uniforms, school bags, lunchboxes, drinks bottles

[Agn]

I have a daughter who is starting secondary school. She is bright & lovely and on the autistic spectrum. She likes to blend in. She has a history of emotionally based school avoidance. If her ducks are not all in a row, she is going to go to pieces. She might stop going to school or refuse to leave home, if things get off to a bad start. My usual strategies are to try and offset when she is becoming stressed and get her into school, whatever it takes.

She gets very uptight and tense about everything being perfect (as opposed to my sloppy ways) and I really want to get the things which fit in with the majority of teen girls.

In terms of school bags, what is the in thing? Ditto for school skirts, school shoes, lunch bags, water bottles etc. It is an ordinary secondary school and she will want to blend into the background.

No it isn’t. The vast majority of 11 year olds want to fit in when they start secondary; ND or not. Due to uniform regulations; bags, coats, shoes etc almost become more important as they are the only ‘individual’ items you can get. It matters. As adults we don’t want it to but 24 years of secondary teaching tells me that, unfortunately, it matters.
OP knows her own child enough to know that she might not have picked up on what will help her fit in, but that it will matter to her. That’s not naive. That’s bloody good SEN parenting.
Because as much as I’d like to say ‘tell your child to celebrate her individuality’; kids can be twats, girls especially and unfortunately OP DD has additional struggles. Obviously having the ‘right’ bag isn’t going to make her not ND. But if it matters to her, OP is trying to help.

I remember a stand off in primark with my DD when she started secondary. For some reason I was insisting that her bag was ‘big enough for an A4 folder’ and she was insisting that she could carry an A4 folder. And then we got to shoes. She wanted ballet pumps. I wanted something lace up. I said her feet would get wet in the rain. She said she didn’t care.
I remember being furious with her and then looking at her and seeing the terror in her face that I might send her to secondary in these items which were social suicide and just thinking ‘fucking hell this really is important.’
(She took spare socks /tights on wet days).

Totally agree @Crispsarethebestfood

There is a school refusal (EBSNA) epidemic in secondary schools, and your typical EBSNA pupil is an ND girl approaching/going through puberty,

ND girls tend to be more self-conscious than NT girls, and masking is their central strategy. This includes 'having the right gear', because their biggest desire is to fit in. If small details can boost her confidence, then OP is doing a brilliant job of helping her DD.

I get that you think that ‘blending in’ will help your daughter - but in reality masking leads to further problems.

i’m autistic and found that trying to ‘fit in’ just leads to failure and burn out as you can’t sustain being something and someone that you are not.

encourage her to embrace being her / the authentic, autistic wonderful women that she is.

will others bully her for that? - highly probable. Will they bully her for trying to be ‘cool’ - yes they will…

kids bully you no matter what - but the sooner you learn as an autistic to stand firm and be you - not try to be what everyone else wants you to be - the sooner you will embrace your true self and accept who you are.

masking leads to mh problems and always feeling you are not good enough as nothing you do makes you acceptable to others and the effort involved in trying is just so exhausting and fruitless.

best advice I ever got was to ‘be the best autistic I can be’ - I am not NT and trying to pass as ‘normal’ is doomed to failure… trying to be the best, authentic version of me is far better than trying to pass as ‘normal’ / NT.

please teach your daughter to be herself and to buy whatever bag / pencil case/ lunch box she likes… trying to fit in really doesn’t work,

get her a support system / therapy to help her accept herself for whom she is.

no one should live pretending they are someone and something they are not. If you were French would you encourage her to pretend to be English to fit in!? I think not.

embrace her autism and help her to become proud of whom she is and what she likes.

there is nothing good about being a sheep and following the crowd. It won’t work and then she will be more upset… and she will feel she has done everything ‘right’ yet is still not accepted. It will break her heart.

the ‘rules’ of teenage social convention are too complicated and nuanced for any autistic to ever replicate them successfully. .

Please encourage her to embrace her authenticity and to be the Unique and wonderful individual that she is.

@Mamawithasd

I genuinely believe that a few concessions to fashion/fitting in do not compromise OP's DD's autistic 'authenticity'. She will be masking anyway, and one of her special interests might be fitting in with trends/fashion.

When I was at school, I felt so much relief knowing that my bag was one of the 'accepted' styles, and my shoes made me similar to everyone else. I had time and space to express my personality later as I grew older, and became less worried about what others thought of me.

My position is that whilst masking isn’t good for mental health, forced unmasking in an unsafe environment is worse!

Kids at ds old school just have a waterproof that will fit in their bags as not enough lockers for all pupils.

My autistic DD is in the same situation. We’ve gone for a Nike backpack as that’s the most
popular round here. Kickers boots or leather converse popular in my local area too.

Um.. that’s not reason it’s naive.

But her daughter wants to fit in. I’d love my dd to be her best self. Turns out that’s airforce ones, north face coat and stuff from urban outfitters. She goes to school and all is good in her world.

Parents of fashion conscious 11 year olds in London can spend ££££ pa on clothes. How much does OP actually have to blow?

We’re told it’s an “ordinary secondary” so we’ll assume it’s a state school so that keeps the price down a it. Even so - you could be looking at 120 for a Longchamp bag, 150 for a pair of DMs or 140 for some Nike Air Maxx, 150 for a North Face jacket, 45 for a Stanley cup. That’s over £400 and you haven’t bought the uniform yet. And she needs this kind of bracelet to hang charms on and that brand of hat. And then she gets to 15 and other girls are wearing designer names…

Whether OP’s plan is at all feasible going forward depends very much where she’s located, her relative income, and how much of a fashionista DD turns out to be.

This must be very regional as a lot of the brands/items mentioned would be extremely lame at ds school. Best to ask locally and for that specific school what's in.

I hope your dd settles in well op.

That's the key element here. For clarity - I'm a late diagnosed autistic myself and my mother never ever supported me in my wishes to fit in when I was that age. I have an awful memory (decades later) of walking along one corridor when I was a little Y7 and being pulled into a classroom full of Y10s by someone I didn't know, to tell their mates "you've got to get a look at this girl - she's so weird"

Mum never bought me the right bag or shoes or coat - so I always stood out and it marked me out as a target from the get-go. As we got older and diversified into tribes - differences were celebrated more, but they were intentional differences we sought out ourselves to identify ourselves within a group - not ones cos your mum sent you into school in Hi-Tech trainers.

@DoNotScrapeMyDataBishes

I'm so sorry that happened to you. It's so important for autistic girls to feel comfortable and not targeted in school; 'you'll get bullied anyway for being autistic' is not true and a really unfair burden for a young girl to shoulder.

Conversely, if you have the confidence to stand out/be different and not give a shit what others think, that's also great (DS1 is like this and it's very refreshing!).

There was a parent’s evening but DD was experiencing high levels of anxiety and I am a single parent with another autistic child. So I had to pretend it was not happening & give it a miss.

All of this school related anxiety seems to come in waves at certain times of the year. Ends of term are usually strained!

That was a horrible thing to have happened. :-(

Check the school’s uniform policy carefully - being told off by a teacher for having the wrong shoes wouldn’t be the best start - and then just go fairly plain and cheap to start with. Plain Sistema lunchbox, basic water bottle, dark colour plain backpack, basically avoid anything Smiggle/pink and sparkly/character. PE trainers - get a sports brand rather than M&S. When she’s settled in it will become obvious what the local trends/the trends in her friendship group are and how strict the school is on their uniform rules. Lots of kids at my dd’s school have huge handbag type bags, but dd doesn’t want one as she has a longish walk at either end of the bus route and lots of heavy books. She is 13 and getting more fashion conscious though so she may well change her mind yet! She likes lots of pockets and compartments (and successfully managed to hide a soft toy in her bag all the way through year 7, for comfort - she is autistic too). They all seem to love pastel colour highlighters. Shoes I’d go for comfort and just nothing babyish to start with - my dd wears lace-up brogues with no issues.

Yes to something under the skirt. DD's school are very strict about skirt length so on or below the knee, but she still feels more comfortable wearing either her PE shorts or black hotpants/ cycling shorts under her skirt.

I want to say a massive thanks for the help and advice. DS was delighted that I had got low key black items and I had known to pick up cycling shorts.

She has enjoyed a successful two weeks with the odd meltdown. I am so relieved and so grateful to all the kind mumsnetters.

Thanks for updating, glad it’s going well.

Lovely update.

I'm glad she's happy.

My friend, whose son is autistic, was dreading him starting secondary but he really enjoyed it because of the structure. In primary it might say geography on the timetable on a Tuesday afternoon but sometimes it would be finishing maths or whatever but in secondary that didn't happen. And he liked knowing that when he was in a subject he didn't enjoy it was going to be over in less than an hour.

@Agn

Amazing update! Well done your DD.

DS1 also loved his first two weeks. Having the right stuff in his pencil case has helped - he said everyone seemed to have a Tippex Mouse so I bought some off Amazon 🐭

I'm in charge of Y7 transition and it's mostly been very smooth. We do certain things for Y7 like let them go 5 mins early to the canteen and give them their own area if school, this seems to help.

It is actually much easier for me too. That bloody lunchbox, which had to include lots of very specific items and be endlessly rearranged every morning, alongside a rising panic (something would drop on the floor and she would then go to pieces), is a thing of the past. She walks into a cafe now and selects her own food. The uniform requirements stipulate exactly what you wear.

Ah great update - glad it’s going well and you no longer have to make a packed lunch (definitely a win in my book)