Autistic daughter - to ask what’s “in” for School uniforms, school bags, lunchboxes, drinks bottles

[Agn]

I have a daughter who is starting secondary school. She is bright & lovely and on the autistic spectrum. She likes to blend in. She has a history of emotionally based school avoidance. If her ducks are not all in a row, she is going to go to pieces. She might stop going to school or refuse to leave home, if things get off to a bad start. My usual strategies are to try and offset when she is becoming stressed and get her into school, whatever it takes.

She gets very uptight and tense about everything being perfect (as opposed to my sloppy ways) and I really want to get the things which fit in with the majority of teen girls.

In terms of school bags, what is the in thing? Ditto for school skirts, school shoes, lunch bags, water bottles etc. It is an ordinary secondary school and she will want to blend into the background.

If Nike air in black are allowed they will be great. Both trendy and comfy for ND wearers. Rucksacks from Falljraven, Superdry or Roka maybe?

Food and snacks in individually wrapped packaging is good. When joining secondary our boys had lunch food knocked out of their hands. Fuckers.

So instead we got snacks and everything individually wrapped so it wasn't an issue. Lunchboxes are not cool. Avoid.

Private or state, north or south, big city or rural or something in between?

It’s all area, class, age, school dependent.

And definitely yes to shorts under skirts - just plain black or navy cycle shorts seem fine. This has been a thing since primary but remains a big deal, presumably because they roll their skirts up to cheek height 🤦‍♀️

I actually didn't think it would be so variable but I can see from this thread it is! One Y8 I was thinking of who wears Lululemon has a mum who is a celeb/ fashion model/ heiress so I assumed whatever 'fashion' was doing she'd be able to afford it. My own kids go to a geeky and unfashionable state school so I wouldn't have assumed anything much from them

actually didn't think it would be so variable but I can see from this thread it is! One Y8 I was thinking of who wears Lululemon has a mum who is a celeb/ fashion model/ heiress so I assumed whatever 'fashion' was doing she'd be able to afford it.

It's really, really variable. It fascinates me.

My own teenagers would probably rather walk down the high street naked than wear Lululemon. My oldest is studying fashion design at UAL but her mammy is not an heiress.

The kind of stuff kids wear at rich London day schools are totally unaffordable in some areas of the country.

Equally London fashion is quite different from elsewhere.

@Agn I just wanted to say what a lovely mum you are. I'm autistic (diagnosed in my 40s) and I've made a mental note of this in case DD is autistic too.

I wonder if it was all so variable in the 80s/ 90s? I feel like it wasn't but maybe I just wasn't aware what was going on in other places.

I agree OP you sound lovely trying to help your dd fit in. I am ND and also like to be invisible when possible.

Can anyone explain what a roadman is?

The North and Wales were behind in terms of fashion. Teens were wearing shell suits in the early 90s years after they were passé down south.

An actual Roadman is someone, who speaks ‘roadman’ (multicultural London English), watch Top Boy on Netflix for reference. The language is pretty incomprehensible if you don’t know the lingo, not helped by the non standard syntax, eg Wagwan is a greeting to say hello meaning ‘what’s going on’. A good for nothing is a wasteman. Friends are ‘G’ or ‘fam’ short for gangster or family.

A true Roadman is a drug dealer or works for a drug dealer and cruisers around in his car etc. Kids, who dress and talk like roadman are wannabes or baby roadmen - lots of these are kids from middle class backgrounds so it’s a fashion statement rather than a way of life. They’re the kids you see in trackies etc speaking a bit of the lingo. Then you see mid teens onwards on electric scooters, scarves covering their faces. Those kids are perhaps up to no good, could be working for the dealers and wannabe roadmen.

Here’s me in Australia thinking road men are well, men who work on the roads like for your local council. I thought geez North Face must be a lot cheaper over there because it’s 4-500 a jacket here! How are council workers wearing those to work 🤣

Tight belt length skirts or tight fitting trousers that cut off at the ankle. Black air force 1 (though technically prohibited at our school) or chunky brogue type things, north face coat but rarely worn. Nike rucksack - plain and black as you can, or a tote handbag. Anything goes

Please check the uniform requirements before buying Converse/AF1s etc. Both the state secondary schools my DC go to are very strict on shoes, and wouldn't allow these. Essentially, black lace ups, hard soles only.

Rucksacks are mostly black sports branded- Nike, adidas, VAns, or solid colour Eastpak.

Skirts - one school has a uniform skirt (knee length, narrow) ONLY, one specifies knee length pleated or skater style skirts.

Lunchboxes - Sistema Bento Box.

School is quite strict here- lace up shoes, no boots, no kickers. DD just gets some lace ups from M&S which don't seem to stand out. But presumably you'd know if the rules were strict.

As others have said, it varies from school to school, but also varies within the school. DD has a rucksack but has told me that the 'popular' girls have tote bags and handbags. Popular is used as an insult in this case.

I would probably get her a basic rucksack and water bottle then when school starts go and see what everyone is wearing. Lots of kids won't 'get it right' at the beginning of year 7 and there is room for change. DD started with a plain black rucksack then we got her a more expensive one for Christmas. They don't tend to start wearing coats until quite far into the term so you don't need that straight away.

It depends on the school and the individual uniform policy.
All of the well meaning advice on here could be completely wrong and make your daughter stick out like a sore thumb!
It's all about the false eyelashes (allowed!) and large fabric hair bows at my daughter's school along with the obligatory large leather tote bag (definitely no backpacks for the girls!). After years of wearing lace up brogues apparently it must be ballet pumps for year 10....along with black knee high socks in summer and tights in winter, rarely wears trousers although she can if she wants to.
I agree with others, if you can ask some mums with daughter's already at the school then do so, that will be your best bet. Just be careful who you ask though, there is no nice way to put it but if you ask a mum with a child that doesn't 'fit it' looks wise you don't want to be inadvertently putting your child at a disadvantage because you asked the wrong person.
I only mention this because I was the child that had nothing cool or fashionable, if you had asked my mother for advice she would have told you to buy everything from the market as cheaply as possible and save your money for cigarettes and whisky, the kids are fine in cheap crappy uniform....we weren't, we were horrendously bullied for years!

Go for something very plain in black. DD had her brother's Eastpak rucksack for the first year, then wanted a tote bag/ large handbag. At that age they are desperate to blend in.

All you're getting here is posters coming up with a million suggestions based on their thoughts and their kids at specific schools

Your best bet is posting anonymously on your local community Facebook page. Ask specifically for responses from parents who have children in years 7 and 8 at your chosen school. You could also see if there's a fb group that's been set up for new starters at the school

The above ensures that you're getting the right info for you, your daughter and what fits in with school expectations

Just wanted to say I've been there OP luckily DD isn't a school refuser but does get very anxious, her ticks and obsessions worse if she doesn't fit in.

Whatever you buy be prepared that it will be wrong in a year or less, all teenagers change a lot anyway but the difference is you can't just tell them they have to wait for it to wear out if they become obsessed with it being wrong.

One nice thing is DD friends are all very accepting of neuro diversity.

I don't understand your reply to this?

Of course the child wont be the only person getting an education!! But, how on on has a 'stanley cup' have anything to do with this?

People on the thread have talked about Stanley cups. The OP hadn't heard of them, so she's saying she got an education, she learned something new.

What a lot of pressure on the parents, having to.buy branded this and that and specific things.
Go with what you want and have your own style and don't be a sheep.

What's wrong g with ha ING a colored bag, it's much nicer than black.
What a sad post . Be yourself.

This is all very well in theory - and it’s the way I was brought up - but for some children it can be utterly miserable being the goat amongst the sheep.

i agree with suggestions to find out locally OP, at my school it would be black AF1, north face goat, black leather tote bag or standard sports brands black rucksack (vans, nike generally). Black Nike trainers for PE. Nike pro shorts to wear under your school skirt. Not sure anyone takes a lunchbox, don’t think water bottles matter much but if in doubt a Nike sports item would be okay.

What's wrong g with ha ING a colored bag, it's much nicer than black.
What a sad post . Be yourself.

Eleven year olds don't tend to want to be themselves when they start secondary school. They don't want to stand out. There's time enough for them to be themselves. The first two weeks of year seven aren't necessarily the right time.

The OP has asked for advice. Why should she tell her eleven year old to 'be herself' because you think it's sad?

Your missing how autistic girls experience the world they very much don't want to be themselves especially with a new environment and people.

Think of it like camouflage they don't have the innate ability to read social situations that neuro typical people do so remember we have very complex social behaviours and structures built up other hundreds of thousands of years.

For reasons I don't quite get autistic girls seem to know they aren't quite getting these social interactions and try to mask their differences so they blend in and don't stand out, they mask their autism by mirroring/copying their peers.

So for an autistic girl it's very important that they are part of the tribe, if they think they are getting it wrong they can get very anxious my DD will increase her OCD behaviour, become almost mute and start getting social acceptable stims such as constant lip licking.

For me if I have to spend more money to help her have an easier time then I'm happy with that her life will be difficult enough as it is. Yes we don't buy her everything and still try to maintain a balance.

But so far it's working and she seems to be in a good place which actually means she can start to learn who she is.

I wouldn't buy anything expensive or obviously a popular brand, it's highly likely to get stolen or damaged (even in a 'nice' school). Go for plain black things that don't stand out unless they really really want something and are prepared to lose it. Save nice things for home.