Autistic daughter - to ask what’s “in” for School uniforms, school bags, lunchboxes, drinks bottles

[Agn]

I have a daughter who is starting secondary school. She is bright & lovely and on the autistic spectrum. She likes to blend in. She has a history of emotionally based school avoidance. If her ducks are not all in a row, she is going to go to pieces. She might stop going to school or refuse to leave home, if things get off to a bad start. My usual strategies are to try and offset when she is becoming stressed and get her into school, whatever it takes.

She gets very uptight and tense about everything being perfect (as opposed to my sloppy ways) and I really want to get the things which fit in with the majority of teen girls.

In terms of school bags, what is the in thing? Ditto for school skirts, school shoes, lunch bags, water bottles etc. It is an ordinary secondary school and she will want to blend into the background.

DD is going into Y7 and all of her friends are getting lace up brogues (they had them last year too). I think they’re hideous, but apparently I’m wrong 🤣
The right stationery is apparently very important. DD likes the paperchase vibe (larger Tescos do paperchase). She also has a few legami bits (Rymans), and a few other Kawaii type bits. Echo they they love highlighters!
Waterbottle, just a plain metal one would be fine
DD’s school goes up to Y8, so she’s been observing what the Y7 essentials are 🤣

Wales, belt skirt, bare legs, money for lunch, no water bottle (they don’t go to the toilets all day because of the unisex toilets) Nikepros for gym class. They buy a drink at lunch possibly. Plain rucksack. No coat. Ever. Blazer in bag.

so dependent on place. There is no way anyone would have Canada Goose, North face yes but a bit road man as others have said.

Send her normal stuff. Most kids will help out the others so try not to worry. As others have said it particular to area and where I live the school. The farmer boys all have mullets and boots for example.

From what I can tell, no!! The way most of them go dressed is disgusting.

Gosh I thought I was pretty in the know from teaching in a very fashionable and very rich London day school 😂

Surely you must be able to see that the clothes worn in a rich London day school aren't going to be lusted after by teenagers out of that environment. That's not how teenage fashion works.

Lululemon is what people's mothers wear where I live and North Face is what the roadmen wear with their sling bags.

I do think it's all really fascinating how much it all varies.

Canada Goose coats for school?! Aren't they hundreds of pounds?! 😱

Check the uniform guidelines carefully - some are a lot stricter than others but here at least which is fairly lax on uniform standards, there's a huge variety of styles, bags and overall "looks". My suggestion is to buy a couple of cheap skirts in the requisite colour, just above knee is the norm not longer, and buy more later in the term if needed/different style wanted.

For the bag most seem to have large handbags and a separate carrier bag/bag for life with an appropriate upmarket shop on, many buying from the charity shops including the one I volunteer at. I see backpacks too, black Nike for instance.

Shoes here vary lots, doc martens, converse/vans (all black leather type), but also Mary Jane type, standard lace ups ... definitely not one style.

None seem to have massive water bottles, if they are carrying them they are tucked into the not big enough for books in my opinion bags! Lunch bags are whatever, wouldn't overthink it, sistema is a good option

Are you already in touch with the school SENCo? Or head of year?
I’ve been both and would happily help you with this question if you emailed in the school holidays or rang the school, and I’d understand why you were asking. As people say it is school dependent. I would contact the school (because they will also know what is ‘in’ but would get you in trouble, for example).
22nd August is gcse results day. There will definitely be people in school then even if they are not in right now. And if you don’t mind emergency shopping; there will be at least 1 training day at the start of the year where you can catch someone.
Good luck.

For coats, here Helly Hansen is the brand of choice but we are on the sea with a marina. Also proper sea going jackets. Not cold generally as no snow here

I agree about posting on your local community Facebook page, most of them allow you to do so anonymously. I bet you’d get some helpful replies there

This 100 per cent.

Get very low key stuff that won't stand out and that you can easily replace when she gets the lie of the land.

By the way, the strong need to fit in like this is part of autistic masking. It's exhausting. Away from school, I would be gently encouraging her to start exploring her own preferences and not replicating other people's.

A couple of them got them for their 16th birthday, most of them are imitations or just similar style. There is one that looks like it’s got paint splatted on it but I don’t know the brand.

Black and as plain as possible.
Black is the only acceptable colour for school bags, most have sport branded ones.
Skirt, straight stretchy jersey material, short(!), not pleated unless they have to.
Shoes - are they allowed to wear trainers? DD has plain black trainers and plain black converse. Some of them wear DM style boots.
Water bottle, DD has a metal one that's black with daisies on.

I would recommend if you can get her minimal stuff or a bag you won't mind replacing. DD chose a purple bag to start year 7 then realised it was extremely uncool when she got there so I took pity on her and got her a black one instead! Your DD might want a couple of weeks to see what others have.

@Agn hi, other autism mum here, sending a hug because navigating this stuff with a teen is hard.

If you use Facebook I'd join a group for the high school or ask in a local group (anonymously) what their kids are wearing because it is so area dependent.

Much luck to her, I'm sure it'll be ace with you as her mum 😊

Sorry if this was suggested before, but could you ask on local Facebook group or perhaps there is a parents whatsup group for the school? neighbours who's kids go to that school?

I think you need to find someone local to ask. Or go cheap for day one and go on a shopping spree that first weekend.
With us, it's black AirForce 1s for shoes (and suck up the occasional behaviour point) and black Nike or Adidas rucksacks as school bags. Going into Yr10 DD just has a sistema box for her lunch bag; gojng into Yr8 DS has a football team lunch bag. Both have plain black pencil cases.

Surrey.

Go with school uniform rules - this would dictate shoes, skirts, etc.
Backpacks - Nike, Adidas, Under Armour. Handbags / totes came in later years.
Waterbottle - camelbak seems to be practical and popular here.
Trainers for PE - Nike or Adidas.
Coats - still expensive but middle of the road and blends in, North face. Actually pretty bomb proof too.
Pencil case - they varied. We used Dakine - as stored enough and haven't had any comments.

At the end of term, do a pick up and see what the kids are wearing as they tend to start tweaking their uniforms once settled in.

I haven't seen anyone with a stanley mugs or canada goose coming our of our school. It's more the above.

Speak to the SENCO and built a good relationship with them.

Black Air force one ( maybe knock off, but that style) trainers for school shoes, might be brogues more for y7.
sistema Tupperware for lunchbox (money on lunch account so she has a choice)
no coat - they never wear them!
uniform skirt which they all roll.
hype/sports direct fairly plain backpack. Probably black, maybe with a discreet pattern.
similarly plain pencil case.

Source - dd going into y10.

Seems to differ between schools. Local high school has mega strict uniform policy, they can only have clear, plain pencil cases, they can only wear certain types of shoes and they are not allowed any branded items coats, they have to be plain black or navy.

DD is off to the local girls grammar school, there is a specific uniform but they are allowed to wear plain all black trainers (eg Nike) instead of school shoes, no rules on bags or coats etc as long as sensible. She was adamant she wanted a black leather type tote bag as that’s what most had when she went to visit the school, I’ve got her a plain one from new look. She will probably still use her water bottle from primary school which is a plain ion8 brand bottle. She thinks the Stanley cups are tragic but they seem to be pretty popular with others. Air Up bottles were a year 4 thing and long gone now.

For the other girls she knows going, it’s a mix of tote bags and sports rucksacks. She will be taking dinner money but there are some fussy girls she knows who will take lunch in. She says plain understated lunch bags are popular.

Stanley cups are totally impractical. Temu sells these long water bottles in different colours. My kids have these, a plain black back pack.

Mine have M&S Mary Jane shoes with comfort soles. Don't buy fashion trainers for PE, Aesics and Slazenger do good running shoes.

Cycling shorts for under school skirts.

Why would you deliberately go against the uniform rules by allowing them to wear trainers?

@Agn good luck with it. I also have an autistic DD at secondary, just finished Y8. My big advice would be to talk to her a lot about what a good friend is. I know my DD used to end up with friends who weren't actually good friends and would turn herself inside out trying to fit in.

We talked a lot about what makes a friend and how friends treat you. I gave her so much autistic own voices stuff to read, books by Elle McNicoll and Abigail Balfe. Anything that would give her pride in being autistic and see it as a strength. It's made her much more confident to be herself and she managed to extract herself from some pretty shit friendships and seems to have found a much more solid group.

Thankfully at her school it seems like the pressure for having the right stuff only extends inside friendship groups. She's never had any comments about not having the right stuff. I know that's not the same everywhere, probably depends how diverse the school is as a whole. Going pretty plain to start with is a good call.

As PPs have said, it've very localised. One thing which I've not seen mentioned is that in some schools, wearing a skirt would make girls stand out. (At my DCs' for example, less than 10% of girls wear skirts.) But that's not true in other local schools.

It’s very localised op.

What would your dd prefer? Both rucksacks and totes are mostly fine in all the secondary schools around here as long as basic (am taking info from 4 schools). But the more ‘popular’ girls use totes in my experience. So you could get either as your dd prefers or both if you can afford it and presume both will be used. So a plain black rucksack, preferable Nike if not Adidas that can be used by others in the family and a cheap tote bag from primark - best to stick to black.

If you buy both and are able to drop her off on the first day, you could sit in the car and see what most girls are taking and have her take the bag, which blends in the most, bung her stuff in the chosen bag and take the other one back to the shop. My dd started with a rucksack and had a tote within about 2 days.

As for shoes, this is dependent on the school. If the school allows trainers almost everyone will be in trainers. They usually have to be triple black, which means the logo must also be black. Nike is best… or at least seemed to be for lower years. My dd’s former school allowed triple black trainers but not docs or kickers. Her current school allows neither and they have to wear ballet pumps or lace ups. Some of the girls start off in lace ups in lower years and by year 9 most are in ballet pumps, all pumps by year 10.

For PE you’ll probably have to get the kit. But the girls wherever possible tend to wear Nike pros.

As for coats, you don’t have to buy one now. You can wait and see what is in vogue. Dd is obsessed with coats and I told dd after I bought her last one (a Canada Goose) she would be funding any further coats so she bought herself a north face (no hood) on vinted.

I wouldn’t buy a lunch box or food flask. Not many kids use them even if some on this thread use them.

My dd is likely autistic (she’s 16) and the masking has been phenomenal despite my having suspicions at times and being told I’m wrong… and now finally told yes, she likely is but cannot be diagnosed just yet… She is absolutely obsessed with fitting in. Has to be exactly the same as everyone else with anxiety through the roof. So I totally understand the anxiety and school refusal, having to have the right shoes, bag, coat etc. We had a lot of that when dd was in primary and I ended up not buying her school shoes until she’d started the autumn term so that I could buy the same shoes as her friends. Transitions were particularly difficult.

Good luck with your dd. Give her a big hug if she will let you. It’s hard.

Yanbu. I've done the same thing as I wanted DD to go under the radar.

I definitely second the advice to wait on buying a coat for now. When I started year 7, my dm bought me a perfectly nice black coat from BHS, but all the popular girls had this certain random style (probably a knock off of something!) from the local market stall. She still reminds me that I spent the whole winter shivering rather than wear the uncool coat. (The market one was likely a lot cheaper as well!)